Searching for optimism

So, as I look back over my posts, I see a lot of  "life updates" and whining. Hm. NOT what I want this to be.  Sure, its good to catch everyone up on what's going on here, but really - we all do that on FB anyway, right? And, let's face it, I'm an over-sharer.  It's a search for approval and validation I think.  Sometimes you just want someone to say 'way to go', or 'you're doing this right!'.  This goes back to a young age for me, I have always been a little insecure in myself, in my choices, and in my actions.  I was definitely a follower - even when I tried to lead, lol. So NOW, doing this single parent thing, I tend to second guess everything. And much of the time, I feel unsure of my choices. 

So, I am searching for optimism. I don't think I am pessimistic, but I also don't see the glass as 'half full' very often either. The definition of optimism is "hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something". Am I hopeful for the future? Of course. Am I confident about it, not so much. I mean, yes, I am confident about where I am GOING, I'm just not so confident about the journey there... I'm thinking I'm not the only one who has these moments of second guessing? 

Getting back to the single parent thing, I am a mom of teenagers. Ugh. They are a joy much of the time, but not always. And so often that is because I feel like we don't connect. Like they don't want me involved in their lives - definitely not unusual, I know.  I am so proud of my kids, their grief circles around and comes back at them when they least expect, just like mine does.  Through it all, they grow and learn and become adults. Their grief has made them compassionate, more empathetic I think.  Their lives changed irrevocably 3+ years ago, and I hurt for the things they missed and are missing. Its hard to be optimistic when you look backwards - and I think we do that A LOT. But how do you not? 

I am also a mom to adults... and sometimes the communication with them isn't what it should be either.  I know they feel excluded from our lives sometimes. And I do from theirs sometimes also. What do you do when you remember what starting out feels like? How do you embrace their autonomy without pushing them away at the same time? I want them to soar with independence as they build a life together. But I don't want to build resentment for the times I spend with the kids who still live with me either. 

I run the spectrum with kids... I have a preteen too. And she is solidly in between not-quite-a-teenager and child. I worry about her more than the others because she doesn't have as many or as clear memories of us as a 'complete' family (dysfunctional as it sometimes was). Her mom has been sad and lonely for most of her memories.  Right now, she is still child enough to share her thoughts, worries, and ideas with me.  Soon, she will enter teenagerdom and this will change. Optimism reigns that this will not change too much...

Paul and I did not have a perfect marriage, no one does. But, and I know this isn't a good thing, because of the issues we dealt with I learned to build a wall around myself. A protection mechanism, to guard my heart and my feelings. Even now, its easier to retreat behind that wall than to let anyone in - even my own kids. I am optimistic that we can work on this.

Ok, so I tried really, REALLY hard not to turn this into same old/same old. I don't think I succeeded... Optimism? Still looking for it. Hopeful and confident? Yes, and working on it. Because we are all a work in progress. I for one am glad of that - it gives us a chance to work on the things we aren't so hopeful and confident about, and maybe find our optimism along the way.

Still here

It's been a wild ride lately. Summer is fading fast, it always seems like after the cottage week we blink and school is starting.  June was a whirlwind with graduation parties, family visits, youth group trips, kids and jobs... And July went just as fast! It seems like we were just celebrating the 4th, picnic and parade style, and we blinked and it's the end of the month! 

And yet, we keep on, keeping on.  Very sad news this last week, a dear friend had a crazy bicycling accident and is just gone. Just like that. You can't prepare for stuff like this.  I learned that the hard way 3 years ago. And yet... He was a kind, generous, compassionate man. A talented musician. A GOD-FEARING believer who has joined the friends and family who left us too soon at the feet of the Father. My heart aches for his family. For his long-time girl. For all of us, his friends who will miss him terribly.  But my soul rejoices in his home-going. Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done my friend. You will live on in our hearts and memories, and in the paradise of Heaven. We WILL meet again. This is our only comfort...

It's been a hard few months for me, feelings of loneliness have overwhelmed at times. I struggle to put into words just how hard it's been.  Even surrounded by people, it's there. Knowing friends and family are there isn't enough sometimes.  And then I feel guilty for wanting more.  I have an amazing life. I have been given so much. But the grief for what is missing covers me still.  I want someone to come home to at night, someone who will listen to me b**** if I've had a rotten day, someone who will hold my hand on a walk... someone who will laugh with me when life throws a funny curveball... I think the last few years have taught me that I CAN DO this on my own.  But, sometimes I don't WANT to... 

Don't get me wrong, I love the relationships that have grown stronger because of being on my own.  The closeness I have with my kids is awesome.  The new friendships that I have made since moving into town are a huge blessing. Reconnecting with old friends has helped more than you will ever know.  But... there is always that hole.  I don't WANT to be alone.  I don't think I was MEANT to be alone.  And I hate that questioning.  That "why" that rears it's ugly head... No matter how often I tell myself that God's plan is bigger than mine, the "why" is still there. Is this a crisis of faith?  I don't think so. Sometimes it feels that way.  Like if I just trusted more I would be content.  But, I think it's more the fallen-ness of this life.   There is no getting away from wanting more.  It's in our nature.  Hmm. I'm not expressing this right... If you have a better way, I'm all ears!

So, on that note, I'll sign off.  I have lots of ideas and notes for more posts, they need to "hit" me a little more before I expand them.  The jist of THIS note, is love on your loved ones.  Hug them, give them a call if you haven't talked in awhile.  They can be gone in a blink.  Enjoy them. And, think about the big picture - are you going to spend eternity with them?

A New Year, again...

It's been a long time. Too long. I would like to say I've been too busy, but the truth is, I've been too BLANK.  Too blocked.  At least, at the times that would work to write.  Ideas have come at many times over the last year and a half, just not at the right times.  And if I jot down the bare bones of what seems to be something I want to write about, when I look back at it, it's just not the same.  

So, to catch up: Zak finished his senior year.  He played football, and did work study while working at the mill in the afternoons.  His family grew by one sweet little girl in October of 2014.  Ivy Rose was born on the 17th.  I am continually amazed at what a wonderful father he is growing into.  In May, he graduated - and sang Simple Man for his graduation ceremony.  I KNOW his dad was with him, I know he was with me.  It was another first for our family - the first child to graduate without him there.  Bittersweet seems to describe every special occasion (and many "normal" days) that we have. In June, he and Brittany got married. This mama was proud, sad, thrilled, heartbroken, happy... pretty much every emotion you could think of, I felt them that day.  She was a beautiful bride, and I am glad to call her my daughter.  They are doing well - experiencing all the newlywed PLUS new parent emotions  :) They are in the process of purchasing their new home.  It's just a few blocks from our house, so I am looking forward to bike rides and walks to visit when the weather gets warmer.

Devin is well into his senior year.  Last spring, he acted in his first musical as the prince in Beauty and the Beast.  He finished his football career with an all-conference award, the coach's choice award, and was chosen as an all-area defensive end.  Again - I KNOW his dad was there.  He is going to the vocational school in Allegan this year, studying to be an electrician with plans to pursue an apprenticeship after graduation.  It's so hard for me to believe that another of my little boys has grown so quickly into a man! 

Olivia... my girl is so amazing to me! My dancer has become an athlete! She played volleyball and basketball in middle school, and now that she is a freshman in high school she has continued these sports.  For this totally non-athletic mom to watch her on the court, well, let's just say I am always crazy proud! I don't make it to as many games as I would like because of my work schedule, but I get to the ones I can.  She is pretty, she has many friends, and she does well in school. That said, her faith and her love for her family are the most beautiful things about her! Many times, I wonder just how she got so great - 'cause Paul and I definitely didn't know what we were doing much of the time - and I still feel that way A LOT. 

And last, but most definitely not least, Elaina.  My baby has changed so much! She is still silly and giggly and sweet and cuddly, but she has matured and become very caring and loving and TALL, so tall.  She still struggles in school.  That probably will always be something she has to work hard at.  And she hasn't found her "thing" yet.  But I know she will.  And, selfishly, I want her to stay my baby for a while longer yet ;) When I look in her eyes, I see Paul looking out at me... my brown-eyed girl... She is the one who won't remember, she is the one who didn't get the chance to know him.  It's up to me to fill in those blanks and I'm not sure I'm good enough at it.

Now that I've bragged on them some, I do need to say we are definitely NORMAL - we disagree, we argue, we disappoint each other... but in the end, we LOVE each other.  We are still holding on.  To each other, to our friends, and to GOD.  Some days are hard. So very hard...  But so much is good.  More than good. I still wish to KNOW. I question why.  Not always every day anymore, but still often.  And, I still resolve to let the why of it go.  It's something that I may want to know, but I don't need to know.  Eventually, I'll know.  I'll know it ALL.  

As we start the new year, we look forward to many activities. Sports, musical, graduation, youth group trips, choir trips, spring break, the birth of a new grandbaby (Zak and Brit are expecting #3 in April)... I'm hoping to delve a little deeper again.  To start up again.  It's time.  I feel like I've been in a fog.  I hesitate to call it a depression, but it's been pretty close to that.  I'm feeling again though.  And ready to continue the journey.  Stay tuned....