So, as I look back over my posts, I see a lot of "life updates" and whining. Hm. NOT what I want this to be. Sure, its good to catch everyone up on what's going on here, but really - we all do that on FB anyway, right? And, let's face it, I'm an over-sharer. It's a search for approval and validation I think. Sometimes you just want someone to say 'way to go', or 'you're doing this right!'. This goes back to a young age for me, I have always been a little insecure in myself, in my choices, and in my actions. I was definitely a follower - even when I tried to lead, lol. So NOW, doing this single parent thing, I tend to second guess everything. And much of the time, I feel unsure of my choices.
So, I am searching for optimism. I don't think I am pessimistic, but I also don't see the glass as 'half full' very often either. The definition of optimism is "hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something". Am I hopeful for the future? Of course. Am I confident about it, not so much. I mean, yes, I am confident about where I am GOING, I'm just not so confident about the journey there... I'm thinking I'm not the only one who has these moments of second guessing?
Getting back to the single parent thing, I am a mom of teenagers. Ugh. They are a joy much of the time, but not always. And so often that is because I feel like we don't connect. Like they don't want me involved in their lives - definitely not unusual, I know. I am so proud of my kids, their grief circles around and comes back at them when they least expect, just like mine does. Through it all, they grow and learn and become adults. Their grief has made them compassionate, more empathetic I think. Their lives changed irrevocably 3+ years ago, and I hurt for the things they missed and are missing. Its hard to be optimistic when you look backwards - and I think we do that A LOT. But how do you not?
I am also a mom to adults... and sometimes the communication with them isn't what it should be either. I know they feel excluded from our lives sometimes. And I do from theirs sometimes also. What do you do when you remember what starting out feels like? How do you embrace their autonomy without pushing them away at the same time? I want them to soar with independence as they build a life together. But I don't want to build resentment for the times I spend with the kids who still live with me either.
I run the spectrum with kids... I have a preteen too. And she is solidly in between not-quite-a-teenager and child. I worry about her more than the others because she doesn't have as many or as clear memories of us as a 'complete' family (dysfunctional as it sometimes was). Her mom has been sad and lonely for most of her memories. Right now, she is still child enough to share her thoughts, worries, and ideas with me. Soon, she will enter teenagerdom and this will change. Optimism reigns that this will not change too much...
Paul and I did not have a perfect marriage, no one does. But, and I know this isn't a good thing, because of the issues we dealt with I learned to build a wall around myself. A protection mechanism, to guard my heart and my feelings. Even now, its easier to retreat behind that wall than to let anyone in - even my own kids. I am optimistic that we can work on this.
Ok, so I tried really, REALLY hard not to turn this into same old/same old. I don't think I succeeded... Optimism? Still looking for it. Hopeful and confident? Yes, and working on it. Because we are all a work in progress. I for one am glad of that - it gives us a chance to work on the things we aren't so hopeful and confident about, and maybe find our optimism along the way.
