I'm just not feeling happy today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, or bummed out, just not, happy. I am a firm believer in CONTENT rather than happy as a rule. I think if you live your life always looking to be happy - as in WHAT will make me happy, WHO do I need to be with to be happy, HOW am I going to stay happy... then you miss out on the things that make you content. The things that are enough.
"It is what it is", has been my mantra for many years. It kind of HAS to have been. To get through my days, seeing how we were. And, to some degree, this is truth no matter what. You do have to just accept sometimes. It is what it is. BUT, we do have that ability to CHANGE what isn't working for us. To IMPROVE what's not right. To SET GOALS for the future. Here's the kicker, for me anyway. When I have done this in the past its made me discontent with what I have now, in the present.
I want to live my life for the moment. I want to be happy with what is. I don't want to look at the past and wish I could change things, or wish I could do things differently. But, I want to make the future brighter too. I want to make my house a haven for my kids. I want to make my marriage an example of the RIGHT way to interact and enjoy my spouse. I want to live a healthier, more active life to set an example for my kids. I want my faith to show to others. The problem I have is mixing all this up in a balanced way. To be content in the now, and still strive for the reachable goals for the future. Not looking back - I'm trying to only do that when I feel like I have something to learn from the past - not relive the mistakes and beat myself or anyone else up about it.
So, yeah. Today, I'm just not feeling it. I think I'm wallowing a bit. I don't know how to do any of this today. I'm not happy. And, thats ok. I'm allowed. I won't stay this way. I'll find the contentedness again. Maybe not the happy, at least not right away. I might need to learn how to BE happy. Hmmm. I think I need to learn that again. Content - that I can do.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!
Tomorrow, my baby is going to be another year older. I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed, and how many changes have happened over the last 7 years.
I am one of two. Plus a third later in my life. Sisters that is. I always wanted an older brother. Paul was the oldest of four. Two boys, two girls. When we got married, that was our plan. After a while anyway. We, of course, went through the "I don't want kids, do you want kids?!" phase. We were having fun. Neither of us had ever lived on our own until we got married. It was an awakening, to say the least. But, as you watch your friends, and sisters (his and mine) having kids, that changes. I can't say we were QUITE ready to become parents... but Zak came along anyway. Other than HATING the car/car seat/riding anywhere he was a good baby. I, on the other hand, had a bit of the blues going on, and couldn't quite appreciate what an easy fellow he was until Devin came along... And, in his own way, Dev was not really a difficult baby - just not the same as Zak. He didn't sleep. Not through the night until he was 3 months old. Yeah, I know - LOTS of babies don't sleep through the night until later than that... But, like I said, I didn't appreciate what a great baby Zak was - in his 6 weeks-sleeping-through-the-nights way until I didn't HAVE a baby who did that!
Then, there is Olivia. The first girl. For Paul and I, and for my parents - my sister had 3 boys, and I had 2 before she arrived. SPOILED... not even the word for it! I swear, I had so many clothes for her that she could have worn 2 outfits a day for the first year, and never had to wear anything twice!! Oh, but she was fun:) And, a good mix of both boys' personalities and sleep patterns... she was a good baby who didn't like to sleep either! By that time though, I felt like I had my feet under me and could run with it. And, for a time that was true. I had my kids that I could give all my attention to - since Paul and I were barely hanging on by that point....
And, I couldn't do it. I left. I took the kids, found a new place to call mine, started working again, and left. I still haven't quite analyzed myself from that time yet. I don't know if I really want to dig down there... I know why I left. I know where I was putting the blame. I also know that I was responsible for some of the issues/problems in our marriage. I do accept my part in it all. And, for a year, Paul and I became friends again. I lived through my own parents' divorce. They both did what they needed to do to live happy, fulfilled lives. But we (Lisa and I) kind of got stuck in it. I didn't want my kids to feel pulled in different directions like I did. I didn't want them to feel like they couldn't tell me what fun they had with Paul, or how much they loved him. And vice versa. So, we talked. And we laughed. And we remembered. Why we fell in love in the first place. And it wasn't perfect - and wasn't going to be. But that was ok. We needed each other, we needed our kids, we needed to be a family. After that year, we decided we needed to try again - the right way. We started going to church again, and found a place where we belonged.
About that time we figured, Olivia was going to start school soon, I was working full time, we had found land to move our house to... Probably ought to think about some hmmm, permanent birth control... Even though we had always talked about 4 kids, 3 seemed like a good number. God had other plans. We found out I was pregnant for Elaina right after scheduling a doctor appointment... NOT what we thought we would be doing again! We were older, we finally had everyone out of diapers - 7 years of diapers is a long time! But the pregnancy was fun. Uneventful. Until 5 weeks before she was due. My water broke, we went into the hospital, and my blood pressure was really high, and couldn't be controlled. We ended up having an emergency C-section. Scary stuff. I needed to be put out because the block wouldn't numb me up fast enough. I couldn't see her right away because I couldn't walk when I did wake up. And she was little. Only 3lbs, 6oz. Scary stuff. Funny thing - those days are almost a blur now. I remember the fear, the anxiety of those days, but the last 7 years have gone by so quickly. Too quickly.
She's not little anymore. She's my giggly, crazy girlie. She loves dressing up, and make-up. She likes to be tickled, and cuddled. And, finally - she likes to sleep in! AFTER NOT SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT UNTIL SHE WAS A YEAR!! Yes, I became very grateful for those babes who slept after 3 months... She - was not one of them!! But, oh how my life would be empty with out her! I cannot imagine our family with out her in it! She might be the "pesty little sister who won't leave them alone", but they all take care of her. Its fun to watch my big, teenage boys play dolls with her, or play in the sandbox. And she and Liv are getting to be friends. I KNOW they will treasure each other as they grow up.
So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Girl! No matter how much you grow up, you'll always be my baby! Love you, Lainie-girl!
I am one of two. Plus a third later in my life. Sisters that is. I always wanted an older brother. Paul was the oldest of four. Two boys, two girls. When we got married, that was our plan. After a while anyway. We, of course, went through the "I don't want kids, do you want kids?!" phase. We were having fun. Neither of us had ever lived on our own until we got married. It was an awakening, to say the least. But, as you watch your friends, and sisters (his and mine) having kids, that changes. I can't say we were QUITE ready to become parents... but Zak came along anyway. Other than HATING the car/car seat/riding anywhere he was a good baby. I, on the other hand, had a bit of the blues going on, and couldn't quite appreciate what an easy fellow he was until Devin came along... And, in his own way, Dev was not really a difficult baby - just not the same as Zak. He didn't sleep. Not through the night until he was 3 months old. Yeah, I know - LOTS of babies don't sleep through the night until later than that... But, like I said, I didn't appreciate what a great baby Zak was - in his 6 weeks-sleeping-through-the-nights way until I didn't HAVE a baby who did that!
Then, there is Olivia. The first girl. For Paul and I, and for my parents - my sister had 3 boys, and I had 2 before she arrived. SPOILED... not even the word for it! I swear, I had so many clothes for her that she could have worn 2 outfits a day for the first year, and never had to wear anything twice!! Oh, but she was fun:) And, a good mix of both boys' personalities and sleep patterns... she was a good baby who didn't like to sleep either! By that time though, I felt like I had my feet under me and could run with it. And, for a time that was true. I had my kids that I could give all my attention to - since Paul and I were barely hanging on by that point....
And, I couldn't do it. I left. I took the kids, found a new place to call mine, started working again, and left. I still haven't quite analyzed myself from that time yet. I don't know if I really want to dig down there... I know why I left. I know where I was putting the blame. I also know that I was responsible for some of the issues/problems in our marriage. I do accept my part in it all. And, for a year, Paul and I became friends again. I lived through my own parents' divorce. They both did what they needed to do to live happy, fulfilled lives. But we (Lisa and I) kind of got stuck in it. I didn't want my kids to feel pulled in different directions like I did. I didn't want them to feel like they couldn't tell me what fun they had with Paul, or how much they loved him. And vice versa. So, we talked. And we laughed. And we remembered. Why we fell in love in the first place. And it wasn't perfect - and wasn't going to be. But that was ok. We needed each other, we needed our kids, we needed to be a family. After that year, we decided we needed to try again - the right way. We started going to church again, and found a place where we belonged.
About that time we figured, Olivia was going to start school soon, I was working full time, we had found land to move our house to... Probably ought to think about some hmmm, permanent birth control... Even though we had always talked about 4 kids, 3 seemed like a good number. God had other plans. We found out I was pregnant for Elaina right after scheduling a doctor appointment... NOT what we thought we would be doing again! We were older, we finally had everyone out of diapers - 7 years of diapers is a long time! But the pregnancy was fun. Uneventful. Until 5 weeks before she was due. My water broke, we went into the hospital, and my blood pressure was really high, and couldn't be controlled. We ended up having an emergency C-section. Scary stuff. I needed to be put out because the block wouldn't numb me up fast enough. I couldn't see her right away because I couldn't walk when I did wake up. And she was little. Only 3lbs, 6oz. Scary stuff. Funny thing - those days are almost a blur now. I remember the fear, the anxiety of those days, but the last 7 years have gone by so quickly. Too quickly.
She's not little anymore. She's my giggly, crazy girlie. She loves dressing up, and make-up. She likes to be tickled, and cuddled. And, finally - she likes to sleep in! AFTER NOT SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT UNTIL SHE WAS A YEAR!! Yes, I became very grateful for those babes who slept after 3 months... She - was not one of them!! But, oh how my life would be empty with out her! I cannot imagine our family with out her in it! She might be the "pesty little sister who won't leave them alone", but they all take care of her. Its fun to watch my big, teenage boys play dolls with her, or play in the sandbox. And she and Liv are getting to be friends. I KNOW they will treasure each other as they grow up.
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| First day of school, 2011 (1st grade) |
Friday, March 16, 2012
Are you waiting?
We spend a lot of time waiting for something. Right now, I am waiting for pizza to be delivered. Earlier today, I was waiting for my work day to be over. I'm not a very patient person. I don't like to wait. The last few weeks, I have really turned my focus inward, I've really been examining just what makes me tick. I realized that I look too much toward what will be, and tell myself I'm waiting for this or that... I am not very good at enjoying the moment. I have a picture, a vision if you will, of what my life should be - what it WILL be, if I wait long enough. The problem with this is, if all you do is WAIT for something - nothing happens. You'll always be waiting. Waiting for your ship to come in, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for your kids to grow up, waiting, waiting, waiting... Now, I'm not necessarily waiting for all these things - but everyone waits for something. Like I said - I'm waiting for pizza right now. I'm hungry, and impatient. BUT, here it is - mmmm. Sometimes things are better when you have to wait for them.
I'm also waiting for Paul to come home. For him to be better. Thats not really fair to him. To expect that he will be better than he is. He is already the man I love, and have loved for more than 1/2 my lifetime. I shouldn't expect better. I should expect healed (improved maybe?). I think, he is probably waiting to come home too. And wondering if he will be healed enough to come home. Again, we WAIT to find this out.
Throughout all this waiting, we are being taught life's lessons.To have patience. To embrace God's mercy. To humbly come before Him and ask for His help and guidance. (Yes, I was a Calvinette, NOT a GEM...!) And, sometimes you have to wait to hear the answers to prayers. I struggle with these things. I'm not patient. And I'm certainly not humble! And to give everything to God - to turn it over and quit worrying... well, I'm learning that lesson daily :) Its a good thing God is patient with us, and that His mercy is unfailing!
I'm also finding that you don't have to wait alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason. Some people are there only for a season, but others - they are there for the long haul. Through the cold, lonely winters that life inevitably sends our way, the springtimes - with the renewal of spirits. The summers of life - when its easy to BE a friend, and the autumns when harvest is over, and life is looking like its winding down. He puts people in our lives when we NEED them. Our friends are God's hands in our lives - sent by Him to help us wait.
I'm also finding that we don't have to just WAIT. We can do something to pass that time. Sometimes, the things we find to do - become a lifestyle change. I'm hoping that getting MOVING is going to be a good change in my life. I'm hoping that writing all the stuff in my head is going to be a life-long change. But, even if these things are only "seasonal", I'm glad I started them. I have started a devotional at night too. Right now, I am working on Psalm 23. I think God is making me lie down in the green pastures to restore my soul. Sometimes, the waiting is good for us. It makes us take the time out of our busy, crazy lives to just be.
Sorry for the rambling. I'm just typing as it comes to me :) So, are you waiting? What for? Who with? Is it worth the wait? I can't wait for the day when Paul comes home to stay. I bet God feels that way about us too. He can't wait for the day when we come home to stay.
I'm also waiting for Paul to come home. For him to be better. Thats not really fair to him. To expect that he will be better than he is. He is already the man I love, and have loved for more than 1/2 my lifetime. I shouldn't expect better. I should expect healed (improved maybe?). I think, he is probably waiting to come home too. And wondering if he will be healed enough to come home. Again, we WAIT to find this out.
Throughout all this waiting, we are being taught life's lessons.To have patience. To embrace God's mercy. To humbly come before Him and ask for His help and guidance. (Yes, I was a Calvinette, NOT a GEM...!) And, sometimes you have to wait to hear the answers to prayers. I struggle with these things. I'm not patient. And I'm certainly not humble! And to give everything to God - to turn it over and quit worrying... well, I'm learning that lesson daily :) Its a good thing God is patient with us, and that His mercy is unfailing!
I'm also finding that you don't have to wait alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason. Some people are there only for a season, but others - they are there for the long haul. Through the cold, lonely winters that life inevitably sends our way, the springtimes - with the renewal of spirits. The summers of life - when its easy to BE a friend, and the autumns when harvest is over, and life is looking like its winding down. He puts people in our lives when we NEED them. Our friends are God's hands in our lives - sent by Him to help us wait.
I'm also finding that we don't have to just WAIT. We can do something to pass that time. Sometimes, the things we find to do - become a lifestyle change. I'm hoping that getting MOVING is going to be a good change in my life. I'm hoping that writing all the stuff in my head is going to be a life-long change. But, even if these things are only "seasonal", I'm glad I started them. I have started a devotional at night too. Right now, I am working on Psalm 23. I think God is making me lie down in the green pastures to restore my soul. Sometimes, the waiting is good for us. It makes us take the time out of our busy, crazy lives to just be.
Sorry for the rambling. I'm just typing as it comes to me :) So, are you waiting? What for? Who with? Is it worth the wait? I can't wait for the day when Paul comes home to stay. I bet God feels that way about us too. He can't wait for the day when we come home to stay.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Friends
Once a year, I get together for a "girls weekend" with some old friends. Some, I have known since babyhood. Some, since high school. But, we all still stay in touch. I don't think there are many who are this lucky. (Of course, FaceBook makes staying in touch much easier...)
We started doing this weekend away 15 years ago. At that time, it was always a "contest" to guess which one of us was going to be pregnant for the next year's get-a-way. Because with 7 of us, someone always was. For about 10 years.... I don't know the statistics, but out of the 7 of us, someone should be divorced by now too. And, while I almost got to claim that distinction 9 years ago, none of us are. I find this amazing. It speaks to me about the strength, the faith, the commitment of all these women. Now, we were laughing about the fact that very easily within the next 5-10 years we will be playing the guessing game again - about grandchildren! This year, its the start of college plans for some of us, high school for others, and a few with grade-schoolers yet. We've got it ALL covered!
We used to stay up most of the night, catching up, laughing, playing games, watching movies, scrapbooking. And, we still do that. But, for myself anyway - I can say it takes a few more days to catch up than it used to! And, this year I left early. With Paul away, I planned to come home Saturday anyway. I didn't want to leave the kids on their own more than one night. Which worked out well - Paul was able to come home for a night! The first time since January 23rd that we have slept under the same roof. It felt really good. It felt really normal. Then I had to bring him back tonight. That didn't feel very good. Or normal. I haven't cried much about any of this. Which has seemed a little strange to me - I can cry about a tv commercial! But, tonight - its a crying kind of night. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired I guess.
Its good to know I have people I can turn to when I need to rest. People who have known me a long time. People I trust, when I just can't keep going. Oh, we have our "high school" moments. We are human after all! We don't all click all the time. Some of us don't see eye-to-eye about things. We have different ideas about just about everything. But, still, we are friends. We care about each other. We support each other. When it comes right down to it, any one of these women would do whatever it took to be there for any one of us. And, I know that all of us have others in our lives who fulfill this for us as well. We all have lots of other friends. Some of us even have "better" friends. But, like I said in the beginning, we are LUCKY to have each other. To know each other. To be "there" for each other. And I just want to say Thank You to my friends. Ladies, you are wonderful friends. I appreciate each of you so much. I really needed to get out of my life for a bit. And you all made that happen. It might not have been for very long - but it was just enough! My one night this year was just right :)
We started doing this weekend away 15 years ago. At that time, it was always a "contest" to guess which one of us was going to be pregnant for the next year's get-a-way. Because with 7 of us, someone always was. For about 10 years.... I don't know the statistics, but out of the 7 of us, someone should be divorced by now too. And, while I almost got to claim that distinction 9 years ago, none of us are. I find this amazing. It speaks to me about the strength, the faith, the commitment of all these women. Now, we were laughing about the fact that very easily within the next 5-10 years we will be playing the guessing game again - about grandchildren! This year, its the start of college plans for some of us, high school for others, and a few with grade-schoolers yet. We've got it ALL covered!
We used to stay up most of the night, catching up, laughing, playing games, watching movies, scrapbooking. And, we still do that. But, for myself anyway - I can say it takes a few more days to catch up than it used to! And, this year I left early. With Paul away, I planned to come home Saturday anyway. I didn't want to leave the kids on their own more than one night. Which worked out well - Paul was able to come home for a night! The first time since January 23rd that we have slept under the same roof. It felt really good. It felt really normal. Then I had to bring him back tonight. That didn't feel very good. Or normal. I haven't cried much about any of this. Which has seemed a little strange to me - I can cry about a tv commercial! But, tonight - its a crying kind of night. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired I guess.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Recipes
My sister-in-law is putting together a "family" recipe book. Complete with stories and pictures. I have to say, that when she first started this, I was not feeling very great about my life in general - and this just seemed a little too "happy-happy, joy-joy" to me. At most family gatherings, I felt like we were not quite all "there". Its hard to convey in words. But, at home, I felt like our family was just getting by. And going out to larger family gatherings just felt like we were pretending. So, contributing to this just seemed a little too much for me. I wasn't going to send anything. I didn't think I had anything worth sending in. Then, my brother-in-law requested that I send in a recipe. I did, but WASN'T going to send anything else.
A funny thing happened though. Paul decided he was ready to change. To get healed. And, as the lonely nights passed, I decided I had some changing to do too. Some healing needed to happen for me as well. I'm taking each day as it comes, and surprisingly - I'm feeling so much more positive. So much more put together so to speak. I'm more interested in MY life again. I still have my moments, the kids would certainly tell you that! But, I'm gaining. I have started moving forward, for the first time in a long time. And with that, along with a new post about the cook book (which had totally slipped my mind!), I feel like I DO have something to contribute! So, I sent some recipes to my sister.
Emily's cookbook reminder made me suddenly remember one of the first cookbooks (of many!) that I received over the years. In fact, THE very first - its a DeYoung family cookbook that my grandma's nephew put together when I was about 10 years old. My gram was one of 12 children, who all had pretty good size families themselves - so there are recipes from all over in this book. [Kinda like the Smit family book will be:)] My mom bought 2 extras - for my sister and I - when he put it together. She gave them to us as shower gifts when we got married. It has been my "go-to" book for just about everything over the years. I love looking at the names of those who sent in their favorites, and trying to remember who belongs with which family. Its like a puzzle. And so many of them are gone now. Its a wonderful way to bring back fond memories. My book is hand-typed, and copied. Put together by "amateurs". It has a family tree in the back, starting with my great-grandparents. I am on it. I have a place in my family. Just like I have a place in this new cook book. Paul and I have been married almost 19 years. We've been together for 22. Some of his cousins were born after we started seeing each other. To them, I have always been part of the family. I can't imagine not being part of it. I'm going to get extra cook books for my kids. When they get married, I'll give them each one. Maybe it will remind them that they always have a place. Just like mine reminds me.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Rollercoasters and Trains
Oh the things that bump around in your brain at 5am! The dog woke me to go outside early this morning (only because its Saturday, and I SHOULD be able to sleep in!) and after trying to go back to sleep, I am spilling my thoughts instead. I really did try to go back to bed, but just had to get what I was thinking out.
In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.
Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.
At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.
Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)
In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.
Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.
At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.
Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)
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