I'm suffering from a bit of "youth" envy tonight. My oldest son enjoyed the opening night of the first musical he has had the priviledge to be in. They have 3 more perfomances before its all over until next year. I volunteered to help with hair and makeup. All the parents were "encouraged" to volunteer on some type of production crew, and this seemed to be the best fit for me. I didn't do much - most of it was done before I arrived from work. I did help with some minor touch-up details during the show, so I hope I was useful.
Being backstage, and seeing all the excitement on the young faces brought back a ton of fond memories. I never had a major role in any production, but I was involved in several plays/musicals during my high school years. Definitely some wistful, looking back going on for me tonight. Oh, I would never, EVER want to repeat high school as a whole - but there were certain things, some unforgettable experiences that I wouldn't mind reliving. If only for a little while.
If you had the chance to do one thing again, what would it be? I don't know that this would be my "one thing", but it would certainly be on the short list. Picking one... thats tough. Its worth some more pondering. And, I didn't say change one thing, I just said "do it again". Doing something, EXPERIENCING something again, the exact same way you did the first time, but with the knowledge and experience you have now. I wonder, how different would that "one thing" seem now?
I'm pretty sure, we can't go back and do it all over again (Eddie Money is running through my head now!) for good reasons. Memories are meant to be enjoyed, sometimes re-lived. But not to be LIVED in. They are meant to be visited occasionally, and then put back on the shelf. We are meant to go on. To look toward the future. To strive for something ahead, not to look behind.
It was fun to see Zak making memories he will have for his lifetime. It was fun re-living my own similar memories. I can't wait to see what memories we still have to make! The future is wide open, the only thing we can be sure of is we never have to face it alone. And, knowing that, means we can go forward even without knowing what is to come. I am so thankful for my family, and friends to make my memories with:)
So, how many of you have contemplated the good, the bad, and the ugly of social media? I am the first to admit, I am quite addicted to it. Not the games so much - mostly because I don't let myself play them. But the inherent voyeurism of it. I love looking into the lives of people. Not just those I consider my "besties", but those I am in limited, cyber contact with as well. I have always been one of those people who; while driving down the road after dark, enjoys the glimpses of others lives through the "movie screens" of their lit windows. FB allows this on a much grander scale. It makes our worlds so much smaller. I love being able to chat with a friend in the Netherlands with the click of my keyboard. Its fun catching up with friends I haven't seen in 20+ years. And, lets face it, snooping into the lives of our children has its bonuses...
But, it has a dark side too. It feeds the gossip mongers among us by its very nature. It enables us to hurt others without direct confrontation, without coming right out and saying anything to them. Jealousy has fertile soil to grow in. Sometimes the renewed friendships can destroy current relationships. Some of us may be immediately affected by these things, and some may not see the effects until years from now - but being the humans we are, in some shape or form social media is going to "get" us at some point. Its going to hurt. This isn't to say its any worse than actual, human interaction. Because, we all know how much pain what others say can cause us face to face. I'm just observing. And, I'm just as guilty. I have never tried to "poke" someone with my judgement of their lives. With my "truth" about them. But, I have probably inadvertently caused someone pain by my typed thoughts. If its you, I am truly sorry. It was NOT intentional. FB seems to me like a voodoo doll sometimes. It can be used to "stick" someone time and again, until the pain of it gets to be too much. The judgement in some posts can weigh like a rock on someone's soul. Yes, sometimes the judgements "sticks" are the truth. Does that mean they HAVE to be expressed? Does that mean they need to be put out there for all to see? My own thought on this is that yes; sometimes you need to say something, but not always. And if you do, send it IN AN INBOX to the person you are "sticking" with that pin. Privately.
Personally, I am glad to have it. The support I have received from old, new and beloved friends and relatives has helped get me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wouldn't have that if FB didn't exist. I love that I can know what my friends are struggling with - and what prayers they need. Sometimes, its easier to put out that request to the impersonal masses than to call someone up and tell them what you need. And, then, someone you would never expect might have some real insight into whatever you may be dealing with. They might be the answer to YOUR prayer. All because you requested prayers on a website. I've experienced it personally.
I expected to have some really bad nights with Paul away. And there have been a few. But not nearly as many as I thought - I really believe its because I spend my falling-asleep-time listing those FB contacts who have expressed prayer concerns. I'm spending my time praying for all of my friends who have asked for it. Not just then, but while I'm walking too. And while I'm driving. My quiet hours are turning into prayer hours. I'm learning to put on my armor and be a warrior for those who need it. Oh, I still struggle with depression, self pity, bitterness, and anger. But, those things don't control my life.
I hope social media is a wonderful, positive thing in your life. I hope you can leave the bad, the ugly on the screen and embrace the good things about it. I've been challenged to be positive in everything that I put out there. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. Sometimes, you just need to let the ugly out. I get it. I do it:) But, try it with me. Lets find the good in something every day, and let others know it by what we write.
I am so very thankful that the work/school week is more than half over!! Yesterday was, shall we say, a very Monday sort of day. I think Mondays generally get a bad rap - just because the weekend is over, doesn't mean its just DESTINED to be a bad day. But, because we expect it, it can turn rotten fast. I didn't go into Monday thinking it was going to be bad. And, for the most part, it wasn't. But yesterday... yesterday was TUESDAY for goodness' sake! And, it felt like a Monday.
I woke up with a dull headache - felt very sinus-y. I set my alarm about 45 minutes before I actually want to get up as a rule. For just such mornings as these. I took some pain-killers, and laid back down - usually, 20 minutes of relaxed breathing, and the pills will take care of the waking aches. And, yesterday was no exception - except I didn't really want to get up then. Especially not get up and exercise. But, I did. And absolutely bombed my workout. Yesterday's scheduled workout was the cardio "dance" workout. I'm good with it for about 10 minutes. After that, well, I can't seem to get the progressive moves down. And, being the perfectionist that I am - this drives me nuts! I've been doing this for almost a month now, and the learning curve isn't getting any better! Add pre-menopausal hormones into the mix, and lets just say Paul is probably lucky to NOT be living here at this time!! I ended up finishing (giving up) about 10 minutes before the end, because let's face it - crying uncontrollably in front of the TV watching strong, slim, sexy women exercise is NOT going to help me feel better when its gone this far! I made my shake, got the girls up and headed for the shower. We need a new hot water heater. The element is going (we've replaced it once) and the boys' showers from the night before plus a load of laundry tripped it. I had PLANNED to check the reset button before bed Monday night. I forgot. I had no hot water Tuesday morning. This did not make my morning better!! Moving on though, I helped Laine pick out clothes, and got her lunch ready. Then took a luke-warm (at best!) shower - in 3 minutes. Needless to say, we left the house a few minutes behind schedule. Which, actually helps during school drop off, as I get there AFTER the 7:40 rush and don't get stuck in exit lane traffic. Getting on the highway at that time however, is much BUSIER. And, I got stuck behind that person who drives 60 mph, while not being able to switch to the left lane to pass due to heavy traffic volume. Road rage is my friend.
Long story short, my work day was not too bad. Supper plans worked out well. Dance and grocery shopping went fine. The day ended better than it began. I went to bed praying for a better day today. GOD IS GOOD:) Which, I knew anyway, but today was certainly a very apparent answer to prayer. I have said it before, and I'll say it again - we have bad days, trying times, etc. to show us how good it can be. Today wasn't an exceptionally wonderful day - but it was normal. And smooth. Both of which I will grab with both hands right now! And, those wonderful days, well, I'll take those too! Here's to looking toward better days - praying all of you recognize and embrace them when they come your way too!
Its been awhile. I have SO much swirling around in my head tonight. I apologize beforehand for my meandering thought patterns...
There is a fine line between high hopes and unrealistic expectations. How do you decide if what you are hoping for can become a reality, and, if it CAN, is it something unrealistic to expect? Goals go hand in hand with this I think. Its always good to have goals that you strive for. I am striving for a goal right now - to live a more active, healthy lifestyle. By doing so, my GOAL is to be down 2 pant sizes by the end of the summer. Worthy? To me, yes. Someone else might think it shallow and stupid. Unrealistic? No, I have proved to myself over the last 6 weeks that I CAN add exercise into each day, and... ENJOY said exercise!! I can also watch what I eat: not so much depriving myself of the foods I love, but controlling portion sizes, and adding foods that are healthier into the mix. My "high hopes" are becoming realized goals.
Where the gray area comes in, right now for me anyway, is in what I hope for and expect of Paul through his recovery process. I HOPE he can find a way to fight the urge to drink again - and continue fighting it. Do I "expect" him to just do this without help or encouragement? Of course not! But, I wonder sometimes if he thinks that? That the help I try to give doesn't feel like help to him? That what I HOPE are encouraging words come out sounding pious and judgemental to him? I pray so long and so hard and so often for him. I don't think he knows (or would even believe!) how much he is on my mind and heart. And, its so not about me. I just know who he could be. Who I have seen glimpses of over the years. I HOPE that I do not have unrealistic expectations of him that put him under too much pressure.
This all brings me to attitude. Optimism or pessimism? Or neither? I've never been a "glass is 1/2 full" kind of gal. But, to say the "glass is 1/2 empty" doesn't really fit me either. I'm more of "that's a 1/2 a glass" of something. More of a "tell it like it is" type. Maybe more fatalistic? I don't know. Its something thats been on my mind a lot lately. Over the years, I've gone through phases of each attitude at some point. I think everyone does. Even the most ETERNAL optimist has moments of doubt. Those people who see sunshine, lollypops and rainbows everywhere... I think its an act. NO ONE can be that cheerful about everything all the time. Just like people who NEVER see the good in things. I think that they LIKE to be blue. It must do something for them. Lets leave it to the fates... No, I don't really think that either!!! As a Christian, I know that our course is set, that God knows everything we will do before we do it - so, fatalistic, maybe. But, I also know that He gives us freedom to chose our path. This is a concept greater minds than mine struggle with. And, I'll say right now - I have had issues with since I was a child! Its too big for me. And I'm ok with that. I know my Savior, and thats enough. Moving on...
Perseverance. Good word. By definition: determined continuation with something, steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks. I think this is going to be my attitude. Perseverancism (yes, I know I just made that up - but its a good word, I'm keeping it!) The last 19 years have not been easy. They have been filled with so much - good, bad, ugly, wonderful. I am going to stay the course though, and I am so glad I don't have to travel alone. I know there is something better waiting for me. In this life AND the next!
Happy Easter, everyone! Remember why we celebrate! He is Risen Indeed! Praises!
