There's a hole in my bucket...

do you ever feel like there is a hole in your bucket?  like, no matter how much you pour into it, it never gets any fuller?  i'm there right now.  we've had so much going on for so many months.  zak's medical stuff is just one more thing.  as i've said, we assume, and hope its nothing major.  but, that bucket just keeps pissing our lives out the bottom...  when paul went in for all the stuff with his back, we knew getting comp involved was going to complicate things.  we didn't want to claim it, even though we were sure that his job, and everything he does there is what caused his problems.  when the neurologist said he "couldn't lie, and would have to say it was work related" we figured we better turn it in.  so, when the NEXT doctor (the surgeon who operated on him) said "oh, no, this isn't work related, its genetic", I just KNEW there would be a problem.  now, neither insurance company wants to pay.  and this isn't just something new - i've honestly been avoiding it head-in-the-sand style for awhile now.  it just was that one more thing that i couldn't deal with while paul was gone.  but the hospital and the surgeon want their money.  and it looks like it needs to come from us - at least until one of the insurance companies will pony up for it.  otherwise, our credit is screwed (i really wanted to swear here...). 

and the truck needs new brakes.  BADLY.  this problem is a relatively minor one.  paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie.  just one more thing...  and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy.  high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week.  we also need new tires before winter.  AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...

i'm a worrier by nature.  i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too.  no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it.  BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated...  don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could.  but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry.  i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person.  but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak.  this hasn't happened.  i have known who heis for a very long time.  and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that.  looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did.  i've been looking  at pictures this week.  reminiscing about when we became parents.  and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then.  some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either.  he doesn't smile anymore.  at least not much.  and i miss it.  life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it.  and finding it again can be so hard.  especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials.  its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them.  i think this is where paul is right now.  maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time.  which kind of brings us all to that spot.

getting to that spot is what prompted this post.  the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it.  so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime.  i had to get it out.  sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison.  if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming.  you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next?  i don't know.  what i do know is i could just cry right now.  my bucket is NOT overflowing.  its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it.  so, i apologize for this downer of a post.  about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try. 

Mom, can I have the keys?

Haven't heard this one yet.  Only because we haven't had time for him to take the driving test and go the Secretary of State's office.  A little LOT more practice parking wouldn't hurt either...  Another vehicle is on our list of "wants" too, Zak has been saving all summer thinking he is going to find his own - something cheap and reliable is tough to find right now!

This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being.  His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever.  Being a mom is the hardest job on earth.  I can't imagine my life any other way.  If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you.  I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can.  I have grown up right along with him.  Every day is something new - still.  Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones!  He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible!  My first born...

August 16, 1996 at 5:22 pm, this 8 lb baby boy (whom I was certain was going to be a girl!) came into my life.  One of the most amazing experiences ever.  And now, 16 years later, he towers over me.  But, he still is the most tender-hearted, loving boy.  His sense of humor, his love of his brother and sisters, his spiritual growth all make him the person he is. 

We've had a crazy week though.  On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure.  This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work.  Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled.  Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football.  NOT a happy camper.  And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th.  If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season.  For us, we just want to know what is going on.  For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time.  It hasn't been a good birthday for him.  We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar.  And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess.  Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player.  The not knowing is the worst.  For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry.  If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.

And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come.  We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one.  We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves.  Happy birthday to my sweet boy.  Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.



My "Boys of Fall"

This week marked the start of the football season.  2-a-days began on Monday.  They even got some "wet weather" practice in - we FINALLY got a couple days of soaking rain! I hope it wasn't too late for the crops, but I fear it was:( Our weed-filled lawn however, is looking green and growing tall... (the weeds that is).

The boys are on the same team this year too - first time EVER.  Hoping this season is as "winning" as last;)  Zak's JV team was undefeated last year - a repeat would be nice!

Their first game is going to be pretty exciting - against Wayland.  In my memory, the 2 schools have not played each other.  The games are at Hopkins August 23rd, and the JV is playing at 3:30 followed by the Varsity.  While I agree that "pride is on the line", I hope that good sportsmanship will prevail, and whoever wins is a gracious winner.  We live in a small community.  It would be sad if this turned into an ugly rivalry. Friendly competition would be a good thing though.

Today was the blue and white scrimmage.  The boys ran through some plays, did a little showing off for the parents, and gave us a glimpse of what the season is going to hold.  Paul had to work this morning, so he wasn't able to go.  It would have been better had HE been able to be there, rather than me - he "gets it".  Me, not so much.  I just like to see them all "doin' their thing", so to speak:)

This is the JV line on the practice field.  Zak is the large one on the far left of the picture (80).  Devin (74) and Caleb (69) are right in the middle.  From what I can tell (and the "gossip" amongst the parents), the JV team is much larger than the Varsity this year.  In size and numbers.  I hope this doesn't mean they are going to pull up some of the JV players.  I have been waiting for this year for a LONG time.  I'm wanting to see what this team can do together. And, while I don't think Zak is necessarily motivated enough, or good enough to move up, his size is definitely something that will be looked at... so, selfishly, I want to see my boys "stick together" this year.  I guess we just wait and see!

This is my clothes line after the morning's play.  Caleb is spending the weekend with us, so I had 3 sets of stink to get clean:)  I love seeing my clothes line full of blue! The sky was amazing today too - full of big, fluffy clouds, and such a fantastic color!  Love the day after a few days of rain - everything seems fresh and clean.  Just like this laundry.  At least for a few days anyway!

So, here's to a new season.  While I am hoping for a season of victories, I PRAY for no injuries, fun, and memories to last a lifetime - for my boys, your boys, all of our "Boys of Fall".

   

Christmas in... August. You thought I was going to say July, didn't you??

Way back when Grace and Zak (and later Dev and Lucy) were the only grandchildren, we celebrated birthdays on or around their birth dates.  It evolved into maybe 3 - 4 parties a year, celebrating all the birthdays near that party date.  Now, we have one large party every year for ALL the grandchildren's birthdays.  Its pretty much Christmas for them.   This has become our tradition since Emily moved out of Michigan with her family.  This way, we can enjoy seeing everyone while she is home, and they don't miss the celebrations either. 

As the oldest kids get older (16 this year for Grace and Zak!) we anticipate a time when we might not do this anymore.  This year was the start of it - Dillon was not here.  He will not be back with us on this earthly plane, to celebrate another year together.  Our peace is that we WILL see him again.  One day, we will all be able to celebrate at the Throne. This year, we were blessed to add Vivian, celebrating her very first birthday with us, and Erica, who joined us in January when she came to live with Andy and Lisa.  So, it continues - circle of life kind of thing. 

Which is why comparing our party-in-the-summer to Christmas is so appropriate.  The gift of God's Son being born to save us all is WHY we can celebrate anything.  Christmas is a birthday too. And remembering, even when we don't feel like celebrating, is important.  Good times, bad times, new years, milestone birthdays, family additions... We are so blessed to have each other!! Family will always be there - laughter (and there was a lot last night!), tears (I know I was close to them a couple times), families share these things with you.  We lift each other up physically, emotionally, faithfully.