Wow. its been a while. I feel like I am just being pushed along on the edge of a wave and can't control where it brings me. We have been constantly surrounded by loved ones, by people who want to help, by people who are, frankly, just nosey. 98% of what we have experienced since the fire has been good and positive. So those are the things I focus on. That other 2%, ffttt. Not interested. I've got way better things to spend my time and energy on.
We have a new-to-us home. A house that was built with loving hands to shelter a growing family. A house that was built to make memories in. I was privileged to see an album made for Gary and Diane by their children to remind them of all this house holds for them. I have a lot to live up to. I want this house to be our shelter in the storm. Our refuge in times of trial. I want to make memories here that will sustain and nurture us when times aren't easy. And life is like that - sends us things that are not easy. Things that are actually really hard. Each day is new, and each day is different. Some days I can almost forget that I can never again come home from work and embrace my husband and ask how his day was. I want to do that so badly! But, some days I almost forget how it used to be. Almost. Some days every song I hear is sung in his voice. This is a good day! I loved listening to him. Some days though, all that singing just reminds me once again that I'm never going to see him enjoying that song anymore. Today I was reminded that Paul truly lives on in our children. Zak and Dev joined Caleb and several other men from church to sing the song "Courageous" by Casting Crowns. When Zak began singing Paul's voice came out of him. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was so bittersweet. When he was alive, the boys just couldn't get up there and "perform". We tried. We pushed. They just didn't want to. Now that he's gone, I think he must be encouraging them from Heaven. Praying for strength for them from that most Holy place. Because they did it. And he would have been so proud! I'm proud of them. Certainly not ONLY because of the strength it took to get up there this morning, but because of the men they have become in SUCH a short time.
Zak has so many adult decisions to make right now. He's going to be a dad. Soon. And its hard to learn how to be a dad when your own is not here to help. He chose not to play football this year. My heart is broken. Not so much because he isn't playing - I respect his reasons for it, but because it is such a tangible sign that for him, childhood is over. I wish he would play. Paul would want him to play. There are so many, many people who would love to help out with the baby if that was needed so that he could have this small part of being a teenager yet. But, what I think isn't always right either. So, maybe this is the best choice for him right now. Going into that stadium yesterday and knowing he wouldn't be on that field this year was like a knife in my heart.
Dev IS playing football this year. And I will go to the games and watch them for Paul too. And we will invite his team over before the home games for meals and hang out time. Something we could not have done at our old place (too far away). I will get to know these boys better, and cheer louder because of it! Dev is starting to come out of himself just a little. My quiet clown. My tender-hearted boy. He is so good with Laine - to the point of playing dolls with her. He is a good big brother. He has broad shoulders now, great for sisters' tears when they come.
The girls are quiet about their feelings most of the time. I worry that they aren't letting themselves grieve. We've been very busy this summer and its easy to push it down, push it back and not deal with it. But life never slows down. Besides football, we have the baby due anytime, Liv starting volleyball, and Laine going into a new grade without her side-kick Naomi (they will be in separate classrooms).
And me, I just cry for no reason sometimes, and laugh when I shouldn't. I'm ok. And I'm going to get more ok. We still covet your prayers. THAT is what is getting us through. We have been very blessed by housewarming gifts, money, and help with the yard and meals. I can't imagine living anywhere else. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, but its all I have. Friends, Family, Forever. Our lives changed that day. And they changed again when you opened your arms and held us close. You will forever be appreciated and in our prayers always.
