So, I think there is enough going on! My suburban has been restored to better-than-before condition thanks to Bill's Village Auto, Rite-Way Body Shop, Advantage Auto Glass, LKQ, and Wayland Parts Plus and the amazing people at all these places. If you need anything car related - go see them! Zak will probably take it over soon - 4 doors are so much easier than 2 with the rear facing car seats:) I found a new-to-me new car too - little smaller but we can still all fit in it if we have to, and I can still use the suburban if I need to. Dev is in the home stretch of drivers training.... in a year I will have another baby on the roads without me! Time goes so fast.... Liv has finished up dance competition season for the year, loved watching her and her friends! Elaina had a field trip yesterday to Home Depot and one of the Wyoming fire departments and another coming up on Wednesday to Camp Manitou-Lin. Choir concerts, graduations, dance recital... all the end of the school year stuff:)
On top of that, we bought a new house! Our plan was to build on our property - we have so many wonderful memories of good times there. But, the process of building is daunting. And I have such a hard time making decisions without Paul... He was the expert in that stuff. He was the one who would have LOVED building a home for us all to share. And, yes, he would have loved that we were doing it, but I just couldn't face that aloneness every time a decision needed to be made. Even the small stuff like cabinet hardware... just didn't want to think about it. So, I decided to just look at a couple places in Hopkins. Just get an idea. There were actually 4 that we wanted to see. 1 ended up being taken off the market, and 1 had an accepted offer which left us with 2. The first one felt too big the minute we walked in. It was lovely, and would have been a great home for us, but the house itself was too much for me. And the property had lots of growing things. I don't do growing things. I love them, but tend to neglect them so LOTS of them are not for me! The minute we walked into the second house I felt like I was coming home. It was comfortable, the size was right, the yard wasn't as large as the first.... I WANTED that house.
The next step was figuring out if I could manage it on one income. Paul and I had talked about that before - especially after his back surgery. Cutting some of the "fat" out of our lifestyle could make it doable. And through the kindness of so, so many people, I had enough money to put 20% down which makes the mortgage more appealing than existing one. We decided to submit an offer. They countered, and we re countered. And they accepted! A bittersweet acceptance for them I think. They built the house in 75 and have lived there ever since. Raised their boys there. All the holidays, all the special times.... its hard to make a change after that. I am so thankful they did! The love from their family has made that house what it is, and its why I felt like I was home when I walked in that front door. Your home is where your family is. They are building a new home right by one of their sons and his family. They will make that home what it is: a place filled with the love of the family that surrounds them. And we will make this new home our place to love each other, to care for each other.
But there will always be someone missing. And no matter how well we keep him in our hearts he's never going to give us hugs or tickle our bellys or rub our backs and sore feet again. We will miss him forever. The grief will lessen, the pain won't hurt as bad, but we will never forget how our family was when it was whole.
We get a fresh start at this new house. New everything. We went registering today at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Bedding picked out for each of us. Towels and accessories for each of the 3 bathrooms. Dishes and "party ware", along with some fun kids stuff... We made it through about a 3rd of the store. Another trip or 2 is in order to round out the rest of what is needed. The problem is we need it ALL. I'm doing the registry because my aunts, sister, and some friends want to throw a house-warming shower. People keep asking what they can do. My answer is keep praying! That is more important than anything we can "ask" for, more important than the stuff! This move is going to be good for us. But we are still sad about it.
I wonder sometimes, if, through the years of not-so-good times (when I left) some of the thoughts from back then have come back to guilt me up pretty good. I never, NEVER wanted Paul to die, but sometimes I just felt like my life would be so much simpler if he wasn't around. But now, I'm feeling so much guilt over those thoughts:( Like maybe God is saying "Amy, you thought it would be easier? You thought it would be simpler?? Let me show you what you "wished" for all those times.... Not so great, huh?" So much God-driven amazing things have been happening the last 6 weeks, and yet, I still feel like I'm being punished. For not being the wife Paul wanted, for not appreciating what I had, for thinking I could do this by myself all those times. It weighs on me so bad sometimes that I don't even want to get out of bed. But I do. I get up, I get ready, I help kids get up and get ready, and I go on.
And then the nights come and I am hit with the hugeness of it all again. And I relive it all again. That night comes back to me every night. WHAT could I have done differently?? HOW could I have gotten him out as well?? And the sounds... even a rainy night, that used to bring so much comfort (loved them!) now just sounds like the sounds a fire makes. I hear him calling out in my head, and I cry about how he died. WHY like that?? Yes, I am a smoker too. That fire was just as much on me as it was on him. We don't know exactly how it started, but I am pretty sure that's it. So, did I kill him? Was it my fault?/I live with this every day. Fire is my worst nightmare. Even before this I laid awake nights worrying what we would do, how would we get everyone out if there was a fire. Thankfully, when the nightmare became my reality, 3 of my precious ones were not at home. And no one else's precious ones were spending the night. And I still couldn't get all of us out. The last sounds he made will be forever burned into my brain, just like that fire burned away our life together.
I don't want to walk on the football field for parent's night alone. I don't want to watch our children graduate without him beside me. And weddings.... imagining them without him is too much to bear.He won't get to walk his daughters down that aisle, or with me, give them to their new husbands. He'll never get to met his first grandson, who will be named after him. This year of "firsts" doesn't even come close to the firsts that are to come.
Memorial Day is in a few days. Not seeing him on that tractor with Andy is going to tear me up inside. And while he is not one of the servicemen who have passed and are being honored, we will remember him.
I miss you my love. Every minute, Every day. I love you, forever.
