Paul is home. I picked him up last night after work. He is still finishing the program, but level 5 can be done from home. After 5 months of him being away, we have some adjusting to do. Its a good thing he has to submit meeting slips 3 times a week while he is on level 5 - just coming home and dealing with "real" life without the crutches he has leaned on for so many years would not have been a good thing. This way, he has support from more than me, the kids, and friends - you can never have too much support! This weekend doesn't have the surreal feeling that I expected his homecoming to have - maybe because he has been home most weekends for the last several months anyway. I think the "work week" will be the biggest change for us. He has had a certain schedule that he has maintained for the months away, and we have our routine each day too. Pray for smooth adjustments for all of us.
I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal". I don't know that I believe this. I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages. And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day. This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink. So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party". These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine. For ME its fine. It might be fine for you. Its not fine for Paul. And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing. I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way. BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him. This is going to change our "normal" social life. And, I'm good with that. We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box. Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either. Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think.
The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work. Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday. We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up! Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine. But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!
A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God. He already has it figured out" on her FB status. This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us. We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.
And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers! I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!
"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!! I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February. Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal. Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore. This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)! EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!! I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears. And you throw in hot-flashes to boot. I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!! I'm not prepared for this yet! I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks... I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!
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So, our family has lots of new things to figure out. NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
june
Its been a busy month for us. I have a hard time balancing the things I want to do, and the things that I NEED to do. Wouldn't we all rather do the "fun" things?? And, when it seems that there is so MUCH that I need to do, and I don't know how to fit the things I want to do in... well, I get down. I know I'm not alone in this, and I really, REALLY don't want to whine about it. My goal with this is not to weigh others down with my negativity... so, I will focus on the things that get me UP:)
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
summertime
Summer vacation started "officially" at our house this week. The last day of school for my kids was last Friday. On Monday, the boys started their summer weightlifting schedule for football. At 7am. 4 days a week. This means MY day actually needs to start earlier than it did during the school year. Hmmm. Something about this doesn't sound right! Part of being a mom I guess. Next year, this will all be different - as Zak will be driving then. OH, that really makes me feel old!
We also have house guests for about 10 days. Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year. It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours. It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:) I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!
The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip. Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer. I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all. Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)
One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home. He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now. At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course. He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life. I am hopeful and scared all at the same time. His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober. He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before. I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle. I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed. When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...
July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg. We had such a good time. It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives. Which is what the best vacations are. This year, we have no plans. Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either. I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us. Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are. Maybe we'll just get some work done at home. Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation. And, I won't feel old:)
Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August! I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!
So, on that note, a song to end this post: I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...
We also have house guests for about 10 days. Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year. It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours. It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:) I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!
The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip. Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer. I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all. Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)
One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home. He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now. At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course. He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life. I am hopeful and scared all at the same time. His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober. He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before. I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle. I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed. When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...
July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg. We had such a good time. It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives. Which is what the best vacations are. This year, we have no plans. Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either. I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us. Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are. Maybe we'll just get some work done at home. Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation. And, I won't feel old:)
Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August! I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!
So, on that note, a song to end this post: I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Milestones x2
So, its been a couple weeks now since my last post. In that time, we have marked school field trips: Liv to Saugatuck sand dunes and roller skating, Laine to Home Depot, the park and getting ice cream at Fantasy Twirl, Devin to Craig's Cruisers, and bowling, off the calendar. We've celebrated Memorial Day in our family "traditional" way: annual parade through Martin with a ceremony at the veterans' memorial park, then the family pot-luck at the music barn. I also got to see 2 kids graduate this year - Devin first from 8th grade, then Liv from 5th grade. Both will be moving onward and upward to new schools and experiences in the fall.
Life keeps moving around us. No matter how much we "slow down" or "de-clutter" our lives, it continues to move forward. I'm not much for the sentimental-crying-because-the-kids-are-getting-older kind of thing... but these milestones we have celebrated recently... they make me kind of sad. Seeing how "grown up" my kids look, makes me long for the simpler times of their babyhood. But, when I look at it that way, I can't keep my rose-colored glasses on forever, either. Those times were not easy, just, different. Each age brings its own set of milestones, its own set of challenges. My heart hurts because Paul couldn't be there for some of these things this year. But, it also rejoices because now, through God's grace and perfect timing, he'll be there for the high school graduations, for the college football games, he'll be there to walk the girls down the aisle when they get married. This season of our lives is another milestone. And we will move past it too. I pray we can take the positive things with us as we continue forward on our journey.
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| Devin and Caleb |
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| Olivia and Steven |
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| Devin, around 2 years old |
2012 has certainly been a year of unexpectedness for us. We embrace the challenges we have faced, because - God knows what we need, when we need it. And, He knows what we are capable of - even when we don't, and don't BELIEVE we can get through something. Seasons change. Milestones pass by. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. (and yes, I hear Steven Tyler singing that as I write it, hehe)
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| Olivia, first day of preschool |
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