I will not be grumpy... most of the time...

So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season.  December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge.  Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities.  This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing. 

After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within.  We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff.  Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family.  I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon.  He has left such an empty place in our family.  True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming.  Especially right now.  These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him.  These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE.  I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can.  This is not my forte'.  My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.

The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too.  Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives.  So much good came out of such a low point.  The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other.  I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself.  I can only work on my own issues and problems.  I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction.  I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me.  When I don't know how I can get up and face the day.  But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress.  As are Paul's for himself.  I KNOW he struggles every day.  I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in.  I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it.  There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve.  For him and for me.  I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us.  And we keep on keeping on.

Its time to get moving.  I have a lot to accomplish today.  I am not a black Friday shopper.  So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me.  The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster. 

Be thankful for your blessings.  I'm working on that too.

What is normal?

Paul is home.  I picked him up last night after work.  He is still finishing the program, but level 5 can be done from home.  After 5 months of him being away, we have some adjusting to do.  Its a good thing he has to submit meeting slips 3 times a week while he is on level 5 - just coming home and dealing with "real" life without the crutches he has leaned on for so many years would not have been a good thing.  This way, he has support from more than me, the kids, and friends - you can never have too much support! This weekend doesn't have the surreal feeling that I expected his homecoming to have - maybe because he has been home most weekends for the last several months anyway.  I think the "work week" will be the biggest change for us.  He has had a certain schedule that he has maintained for the months away, and we have our routine each day too.  Pray for smooth adjustments for all of us.

I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal".  I don't know that I believe this.  I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages.  And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day.  This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink.  So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party".  These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine.  For ME its fine.  It might be fine for you.  Its not fine for Paul.  And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing.  I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way.  BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him.  This is going to change our "normal" social life.  And, I'm good with that.  We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box.  Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either.  Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think. 

The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work.  Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday.  We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up!  Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine.  But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!

A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God.  He already has it figured out" on her FB status.  This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us.  We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.

And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers!  I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!

"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!!  I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February.  Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal.  Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore.  This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)!   EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!!  I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears.  And you throw in hot-flashes to boot.  I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!!  I'm not prepared for this yet!  I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks...  I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!

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So, our family has lots of new things to figure out.  NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-) 

summertime

Summer vacation started "officially" at our house this week.  The last day of school for my kids was last Friday. On Monday, the boys started their summer weightlifting schedule for football. At 7am. 4 days a week.  This means MY day actually needs to start earlier than it did during the school year. Hmmm. Something about this doesn't sound right! Part of being a mom I guess. Next year, this will all be different - as Zak will be driving then. OH, that really makes me feel old! 

We also have house guests for about 10 days.  Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year.  It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours.  It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:)  I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!

The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip.  Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer.  I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all.   Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)

One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home.  He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now.  At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course.  He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life.  I am hopeful and scared all at the same time.  His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober.  He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before.  I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle.  I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed.  When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...

July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg.  We had such a good time.  It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives.  Which is what the best vacations are.  This year, we have no plans.  Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either.  I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us.  Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are.  Maybe we'll just get some work done at home.  Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation.  And, I won't feel old:)

Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August!  I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!  

So, on that note, a song to end this post:  I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...

Milestones x2

So, its been a couple weeks now since my last post.  In that time, we have marked school field trips: Liv to Saugatuck sand dunes and roller skating, Laine to Home Depot, the park and getting ice cream at Fantasy Twirl, Devin to Craig's Cruisers, and bowling, off the calendar. We've celebrated Memorial Day in our family "traditional" way: annual parade through Martin with a ceremony at the veterans' memorial park, then the family pot-luck at the music barn. I also got to see 2 kids graduate this year - Devin first from 8th grade, then Liv from 5th grade.  Both will be moving onward and upward to new schools and experiences in the fall.



Devin and Caleb



Olivia and Steven

 Life keeps moving around us.  No matter how much we "slow down" or "de-clutter" our lives, it continues to move forward.  I'm not much for the sentimental-crying-because-the-kids-are-getting-older kind of thing... but these milestones we have celebrated recently... they make me kind of sad.  Seeing how "grown up" my kids look, makes me long for the simpler times of their babyhood.  But, when I look at it that way, I can't keep my rose-colored glasses on forever, either.  Those times were not easy, just, different.  Each age brings its own set of milestones, its own set of challenges.  My heart hurts because Paul couldn't be there for some of these things this year.  But, it also rejoices because now, through God's grace and perfect timing, he'll be there for the high school graduations, for the college football games, he'll be there to walk the girls down the aisle when they get married.  This season of our lives is another milestone.  And we will move past it too.  I pray we can take the positive things with us as we continue forward on our journey. 


Devin, around 2 years old





2012 has certainly been a year of unexpectedness for us.  We embrace the challenges we have faced, because - God knows what we need, when we need it. And, He knows what we are capable of - even when we don't, and don't BELIEVE we can get through something.  Seasons change. Milestones pass by.  I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. (and yes, I hear Steven Tyler singing that as I write it, hehe)

Olivia, first day of preschool

Recipes

My sister-in-law is putting together a "family" recipe book. Complete with stories and pictures.  I have to say, that when she first started this, I was not feeling very great about my life in general - and this just seemed a little too "happy-happy, joy-joy" to me. At most family gatherings, I felt like we were not quite all "there". Its hard to convey in words. But, at home, I felt like our family was just getting by. And going out to larger family gatherings just felt like we were pretending. So, contributing to this just seemed a little too much for me. I wasn't going to send anything. I didn't think I had anything worth sending in. Then, my brother-in-law requested that I send in a recipe. I did, but WASN'T going to send anything else.

A funny thing happened though. Paul decided he was ready to change. To get healed. And, as the lonely nights passed, I decided I had some changing to do too. Some healing needed to happen for me as well. I'm taking each day as it comes, and surprisingly - I'm feeling so much more positive. So much more put together so to speak. I'm more interested in MY life again. I still have my moments, the kids would certainly tell you that! But, I'm gaining. I have started moving forward, for the first time in a long time. And with that, along with a new post about the cook book (which had totally slipped my mind!), I feel like I DO have something to contribute! So, I sent some recipes to my sister.

Emily's cookbook reminder made me suddenly remember one of the first cookbooks (of many!) that I received over the years. In fact, THE very first - its a DeYoung family cookbook that my grandma's nephew put together when I was about 10 years old. My gram was one of 12 children, who all had pretty good size families themselves - so there are recipes from all over in this book. [Kinda like the Smit family book will be:)] My mom bought 2 extras - for my sister and I - when he put it together. She gave them to us as shower gifts when we got married. It has been my "go-to" book for just about everything over the years. I love looking at the names of those who sent in their favorites, and trying to remember who belongs with which family. Its like a puzzle. And so many of them are gone now. Its a wonderful way to bring back fond memories. My book is hand-typed, and copied. Put together by "amateurs". It has a family tree in the back, starting with my great-grandparents. I am on it. I have a place in my family. Just like I have a place in this new cook book. Paul and I have been married almost 19 years. We've been together for 22. Some of his cousins were born after we started seeing each other. To them, I have always been part of the family. I can't imagine not being part of it. I'm going to get extra cook books for my kids. When they get married, I'll give them each one. Maybe it will remind them that they always have a place. Just like mine reminds me.

Exercise

This is for those of you who have asked what fitness program/exercise/workout etc I am doing.  I joined Team Beachbody and these are from my blog on the website:

From 2.20.12:

Today is the last day I am going to be unhappy with myself.  Committing to exercise is a big deal for me.  I have never enjoyed it, and honestly - am not looking forward to it now! But, I need to do this.  And not just exercise.  I need to change lots of things about how I live my life.  But, 1 thing at a time :) So, today is the last day of this part of my life.
Tomorrow, February 21, 2012, when I get up in the morning. I am going to be a new person. I am going to live a new life. A better life. A more fit life. A healthy life. For my kids. For my husband. But, mostly, FOR ME.
I can't promise I won't slack off. But I CAN promise that if I do, I'll get right back to it, and keep coming back.  I'm hoping I'll find some help, some support through this. And, if I can, support someone else in their endeavor.
Thanks for reading! I hope to share something inspiring <hehe>!

From 2.21.12:

I did it.  It seems stupid to be excited about walking for 20 minutes, but for me that is a HUGE thing.  Just getting up early to do this is huge.  I am one of those people that has the morning schedule down to the minute so that I can stay in bed as LOOONG as possible.  But, I got up 30 minutes earlier than usual so that I would have time to long in after my walk. 
It was good. I admit, I was watching the clock a little. Kept thinking, "it has to have been 10 minutes by now..." and it had only been about 4! But, I made it :)  My heart is pounding, I'm in a sweat, my legs are tingling, and my feet feel funny.  But those are all good things! I am proud of myself.  I am DOING something.  And that is the biggest thing, for me anyway.
I better get on with my day. The kids will be up soon, and work is calling my name.... Enjoy YOUR day!

From 2.22.12:

Wow! 2 days in a row! This is a record for me :) It was definitely harder to drag my a** outta bed this morning though! But, I managed. And it felt good.  I'm REALLY awake now! Even just my 20 minutes on the tread seems to have "perked up" my Monday yesterday. I am hoping for the same result today. My sister in law tells me that the days she exercises are the days she gets the most accomplished, that she just seems to have more energy.  I'll take some of that!
Well, gotta keep movin'. Happy Tuesday!

From 2.23.12:

So, last night I stayed up later than I planned.  I was waiting for a phone call that didn't come until TONIGHT.  Then, baby girl had a bad dream and crawled into bed with me.  She is a restless sleeper to say the least! After a not-so-great nights sleep, I got a text message at 5 am notifying me that school was delayed due to fog and icy roads. So, no need to get the kids up. And, in the past - a GREAT reason to sleep a little later myself! When the alarm went off at 6, the snooze was my best friend.  I tried to justify staying in bed just a little longer, ONE more snooze... But I couldn't do it! I actually got up and walked my 20 minutes! I'm pretty proud of myself :)
Water has never been a friend of mine either. With the encouragement of my coach I am drinking ALOT more of it! Today I actually pushed 70 oz! I feel like I could float away :P 
So, all in all, its been a good day. Better, in fact, because I started it out right.

From 2.26.12:

By Friday, I was anticipating a busy, but "lazy" weekend.  I figured, sleeping in was for sure going to sabotage my walking schedule since I am up before 6 am to fit it in during the week.  I actually argued with myself about it Saturday while my son was getting ready for work.  I did sleep in - if I deprive myself of a couple extra hours on my day off to exercise - I'll quit. I am realistic enough to know that about myself. But, when I got up, had my coffee, I could hear that treadmill calling my name. So, I filled up my waterbottle, laced my shoes and went to it. I even added some speed for a few minutes of "jog-walking"! And the day was awesome. I had company coming in the evening (some old friends I haven't seen in years) and while the house was clean, there was definitely some work to be done! The added energy from my workout carried me through the day, and I felt like I accomplished something. 
And today, has started out pretty much the same.  I let myself have the extra hours to burrow in the blankets, but when I got up - I started the day right with a walk. I can't wait for spring, when I can take it to the streets!

Just wanted to share that so far, I am sticking with this.  The blogging is good, I can keep accountability with my coach. I even took before pictures. Not pretty. Don't think I'll share those here...

Real Life

I didn't pick a word for today. But, for some reason, inspire has been on my mind lately.  What inspires you? An amazing singer, a star athelete, a "winning" polititian, a celebrity? While people like this seem to have done some awesome things, I prefer REAL people.

My sister inspires me. Her life has not been easy. A teenage pregnancy, an early marriage. Some might have said "it can never work". But its been 20 years this past August. And she and my brother in law have lived through the hardest thing a parent can - the loss of a child. And they are still together, still strong.  I'm sure they have their moments. What marriage doesn't. The beauty of it is they keep going - together. The most important thing is FAMILY. And keeping God at the center of it. They walk that walk.  

My mom inspires me. She has lived with MS for more than 25 years. I have watched it progress, until now - she isn't the mom I remember. And I am not talking about her physical appearance. Although those of you who haven't seen her in a while - would be surprised. She forgets things. She falls. She repeats herself. (in fact, it can be hard to deal with!) BUT, she goes on. She LOVES her grandchildren. She offers what help she is able to provide. SHE IS HERE. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't WANT to imagine my life without her.

My Grandpa inspires me. I feel badly that I don't visit more often. Life gets in my way. Selfishness gets in the way. He is the biggest prayer warrior I know. And, no matter what stupid, sinful things us grandkids do - he keeps praying. If I ever needed ANYTHING I have just had to ask. He may not "give" what I want without strings - sometimes there is a lesson involved! But, he (and Grandma too) always helped solve whatever I brought to him. I am lucky to still have him in my life. My kids are lucky to know him. (They've been crazy blessed with Great-Grands - 2 grandmothers on Paul's side and a new grandpa French, and the chance to know all 4 of my grands. Plus step grands) I miss my Grandma though. And I know he does. She had a song for everything. Just this past Sunday in church, the songs we sang I could HEAR her singing along-side of me.

I have many friends who inspire me too. The teenage mother who had the courage to start over - and made an amazing life for herself. The old friend who struggles with an "invisible" illness - she gets out of bed and raises her child, and lives her life the best she can. The couple who struggled with infertility for years, waiting, HOPING to share their lives with children. The cousin who battled his own demons and beats them every day. God shows in their lives, and makes me see what I can be, with His help. These people don't live their lives to inspire people, it just happens. They just live to glorify. And to inspire, to change someone thats just a bonus from God.

Our military men and women inspire me. They don't always face artillery or danger to protect us, but protect us they do. They give us the freedom to follow our dreams, in a country built on dreams. Thank you to the many members of my family, and my friends who have made the sacrifice of time with their families, and sometimes the sacrifice of their very lives so that I can sit here and type! No matter what the war, you answered that call of duty.

Its been a bad few years for dead celebrities. Michael, Whitney... God gifted you with amazing abilities. Did you use them to praise? Did you use what you achieved to better others? Yes and no. Do you deserve "inspiration" status? Not for me. I'll take a real person any day.