So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season. December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge. Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities. This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing.
After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within. We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff. Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family. I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon. He has left such an empty place in our family. True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming. Especially right now. These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him. These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE. I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can. This is not my forte'. My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.
The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too. Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives. So much good came out of such a low point. The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other. I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself. I can only work on my own issues and problems. I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction. I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me. When I don't know how I can get up and face the day. But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress. As are Paul's for himself. I KNOW he struggles every day. I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in. I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it. There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve. For him and for me. I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us. And we keep on keeping on.
Its time to get moving. I have a lot to accomplish today. I am not a black Friday shopper. So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me. The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster.
Be thankful for your blessings. I'm working on that too.
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