So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season. December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge. Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities. This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing.
After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within. We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff. Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family. I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon. He has left such an empty place in our family. True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming. Especially right now. These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him. These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE. I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can. This is not my forte'. My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.
The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too. Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives. So much good came out of such a low point. The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other. I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself. I can only work on my own issues and problems. I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction. I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me. When I don't know how I can get up and face the day. But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress. As are Paul's for himself. I KNOW he struggles every day. I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in. I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it. There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve. For him and for me. I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us. And we keep on keeping on.
Its time to get moving. I have a lot to accomplish today. I am not a black Friday shopper. So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me. The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster.
Be thankful for your blessings. I'm working on that too.
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Friday, November 23, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
BIG sigh here. Its been a whirlwind of a fall here. School starting, football everyday for the boys, dance season beginning, 2 weddings, family visits... Busy. In a good way, but sometimes that busyness can get overwhelming. And, of course, we've all been passing a cold around. 'Tis the season I guess!
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
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