So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season. December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge. Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities. This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing.
After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within. We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff. Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family. I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon. He has left such an empty place in our family. True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming. Especially right now. These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him. These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE. I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can. This is not my forte'. My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.
The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too. Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives. So much good came out of such a low point. The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other. I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself. I can only work on my own issues and problems. I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction. I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me. When I don't know how I can get up and face the day. But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress. As are Paul's for himself. I KNOW he struggles every day. I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in. I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it. There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve. For him and for me. I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us. And we keep on keeping on.
Its time to get moving. I have a lot to accomplish today. I am not a black Friday shopper. So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me. The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster.
Be thankful for your blessings. I'm working on that too.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
I. Have. The. House. To. Myself.
I don't know what to do!! 3 kids spent the night elsewhere last night, Paul and Zak left for work around 7:30.... Besides the dog/cat, I am the only one home!! Oh silence - you are my friend:) I tried to sleep in (darn internal clock anyway!), but decided I needed to enjoy as many minutes as I can BY MYSELF. I love my family, I enjoy the life going on in this place, but a few stolen minutes alone, IN MY HOUSE are pure joy just because they happen so infrequently:)
I've had my coffee (and yes, a cigarette too - that resolve has been steadily crumbling... YES, I am going to get back on that wagon!). No, the TV is not on - although a good, cheesy, hallmark movie could be enjoyable. No tunes, just amazing quiet. A nice long, hot shower would be good too - it seems that I either catch the tail end of the hot water, after everyone else has used it up, or I am in a hurry in the morning and don't get to experience the bliss of just standing there for the sake of standing there. I suppose I COULD turn up the radio and dance around in my underwear... but I'm NOT, hehe. If I had a book in the house that I have not read, that would definitely be on my agenda. I could do my nails, maybe a pedicure... Or the more mundane - sort the socks in the basket that is climbing toward the ceiling, load the dishwasher, throw a load of clothes in the machine... ...nah, I can do THOSE things when everyone is home! The possibilities are endless...
And so, I write. I love this. My thoughts may not always flow gracefully, I may whine and pout verbally, but this is MY therapy. I do it for ME. The busy-ness of our lives (and not just mine, yours too!) make it so we do not take the time always for the things that lift us up. The things that bring us back to ourselves.
With the holidays coming up, I am reminded that its not always about everyone else - I need to take a step back sometimes and do what I need to for ME. We have SO MANY "obligations" this time of year. Some of them, I think every year, we need to cut out. But then, November/December roll around and I just don't want to give them up. For many reasons: we see family that we don't get to spend time with often, the kids love to socialize, parties are FUN (once you get there!). But the down side for me is that by the end of the year, I'm done. With working full time, the school stuff, and then parties with family and sometimes friends, I'm worn out! I've thought about the new traditions that will eventually take the place of some that we have now. As the kids get older, and the days of children-in-laws rapidly approach, I wonder how different our lives will be. How we will celebrate special times?
Our personal Christmas has never been about how much we can buy for the kids (finances have never allowed that!). We usually look at what they NEED. Presents tend toward the mundane - socks, underwear, comforters for the beds... We do try to get them at least one thing each that is more "fun", but some years that isn't always so easy - especially now with them getting older. Its funny, the older they get, the more EXPENSIVE the "fun" presents get!
And Christmas isn't about the presents. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the GIFT of God's Son in the ways we do, in this country. Our freedoms are so often taken for granted. With the election just over with, and so many of my friends and family NOT HAPPY with the results (I'm not gonna go there - my personal views are just that - personal!), I try to stay thankful that we HAVE the rights that we do. That our country is only our temporary home - we have someplace even GREATER to go when the time is right. And its all because of a little baby.
I have to say, I have pretty great kids. And, because gifts are more about need than want at our house - and always have been - they don't seem to focus on presents so much. Just like all of us, they love to get them, but they love to get ALL their presents. Not just the ones they want. They have been the greatest gifts of my life, I thank God for them every day. I hope and pray that I am giving them the gifts that will bring them HOME when its their time. I pray this for the someday-in-laws too. New traditions. New people to love. Old Faith.
And now, while I still have my blessed solitude, I'm gonna go do something else. Anything else. Because I can:) I'm alone. And yet, never alone. You all have a blessed Saturday. And blessed holidays - Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! May God bring you every good thing this year!
I've had my coffee (and yes, a cigarette too - that resolve has been steadily crumbling... YES, I am going to get back on that wagon!). No, the TV is not on - although a good, cheesy, hallmark movie could be enjoyable. No tunes, just amazing quiet. A nice long, hot shower would be good too - it seems that I either catch the tail end of the hot water, after everyone else has used it up, or I am in a hurry in the morning and don't get to experience the bliss of just standing there for the sake of standing there. I suppose I COULD turn up the radio and dance around in my underwear... but I'm NOT, hehe. If I had a book in the house that I have not read, that would definitely be on my agenda. I could do my nails, maybe a pedicure... Or the more mundane - sort the socks in the basket that is climbing toward the ceiling, load the dishwasher, throw a load of clothes in the machine... ...nah, I can do THOSE things when everyone is home! The possibilities are endless...
And so, I write. I love this. My thoughts may not always flow gracefully, I may whine and pout verbally, but this is MY therapy. I do it for ME. The busy-ness of our lives (and not just mine, yours too!) make it so we do not take the time always for the things that lift us up. The things that bring us back to ourselves.
With the holidays coming up, I am reminded that its not always about everyone else - I need to take a step back sometimes and do what I need to for ME. We have SO MANY "obligations" this time of year. Some of them, I think every year, we need to cut out. But then, November/December roll around and I just don't want to give them up. For many reasons: we see family that we don't get to spend time with often, the kids love to socialize, parties are FUN (once you get there!). But the down side for me is that by the end of the year, I'm done. With working full time, the school stuff, and then parties with family and sometimes friends, I'm worn out! I've thought about the new traditions that will eventually take the place of some that we have now. As the kids get older, and the days of children-in-laws rapidly approach, I wonder how different our lives will be. How we will celebrate special times?
Our personal Christmas has never been about how much we can buy for the kids (finances have never allowed that!). We usually look at what they NEED. Presents tend toward the mundane - socks, underwear, comforters for the beds... We do try to get them at least one thing each that is more "fun", but some years that isn't always so easy - especially now with them getting older. Its funny, the older they get, the more EXPENSIVE the "fun" presents get!
And Christmas isn't about the presents. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the GIFT of God's Son in the ways we do, in this country. Our freedoms are so often taken for granted. With the election just over with, and so many of my friends and family NOT HAPPY with the results (I'm not gonna go there - my personal views are just that - personal!), I try to stay thankful that we HAVE the rights that we do. That our country is only our temporary home - we have someplace even GREATER to go when the time is right. And its all because of a little baby.
I have to say, I have pretty great kids. And, because gifts are more about need than want at our house - and always have been - they don't seem to focus on presents so much. Just like all of us, they love to get them, but they love to get ALL their presents. Not just the ones they want. They have been the greatest gifts of my life, I thank God for them every day. I hope and pray that I am giving them the gifts that will bring them HOME when its their time. I pray this for the someday-in-laws too. New traditions. New people to love. Old Faith.
And now, while I still have my blessed solitude, I'm gonna go do something else. Anything else. Because I can:) I'm alone. And yet, never alone. You all have a blessed Saturday. And blessed holidays - Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! May God bring you every good thing this year!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Count 'em on one hand.
5 things. I am in a bible study, and have only been working on it for a few days. While I have had a "head" faith my whole life, my "heart" faith flows like the sea in waves. Something we are working on living out, memorizing, is easy (should be!) to remember every day. We can count it out on 1 hand:
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.
Simple enough. Not so much. Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things. I've made myself notes. I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator. I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work. I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.
I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day. It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us. He wants to give us every good thing. This is SO hard for me. I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path. Giving this up is so painful.
My words don't want to flow tonight. There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it.
There are other things I can count on 1 hand. The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith. Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth". There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment. It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't. BUT, he is right on the money with this. God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not. Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.
Simple enough. Not so much. Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things. I've made myself notes. I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator. I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work. I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.
I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day. It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us. He wants to give us every good thing. This is SO hard for me. I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path. Giving this up is so painful.
My words don't want to flow tonight. There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it.
There are other things I can count on 1 hand. The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith. Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth". There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment. It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't. BUT, he is right on the money with this. God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not. Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.
Friday, November 2, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
BIG sigh here. Its been a whirlwind of a fall here. School starting, football everyday for the boys, dance season beginning, 2 weddings, family visits... Busy. In a good way, but sometimes that busyness can get overwhelming. And, of course, we've all been passing a cold around. 'Tis the season I guess!
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Sunshine and Showers
Did you ever notice how when it rains, it POURS? Its been that kind of month for us. Really, each thing in and of itself has been no big deal. For some reason though, each LITTLE thing, comes in multiples until they all look rather large. Honestly, I wake up each day and just remind myself that its a NEW day - to just take it as it comes in that day. And I'm ok with that. Just can't seem to get out from under that cloud sometimes.
Its been almost a month since my last post. Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me. I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia. My girl is 12 now. Her birthday was on the first day of school. She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture. But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl. Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us. Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago. But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it. She was by far our easiest baby. 6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever! Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper. I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her. She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring. LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.
Our ongoing troubles with the water heater finally became an issue we HAD to address this weekend. For the last several months, we have been babying the old girl along - the heating element had been replaced a couple years ago and now the reset button has finally given up. Rather than buy a new one now, Paul thought he could replace the elements again. No such luck. After several hours of fighting with (and cussing at) the thing, he decided we just needed to bite that bullet and buy a new one. This is in actuality a good thing - the old one, because of its issues has been a BIG electric hog. We hope the new one will help this! Because it is as old as our home (and trailer-quality to boot!) there is no water shut off by the heater - this means Paul had to shut off the water to the house alltogether. We have now been without water for 16+ hours. Something he had to do of course, but it makes life difficult for all of us - and 6 people with no water (no TOILETS) is not so pleasant. We are all a little grumpy today :) Only a little though, because we know its only temporary, and he did fill up some containers of water before he turned it off. Hopefully, the installation of the new one will go smoothly!
I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues too. After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist. He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure. So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram. We went in this past Monday for that. The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened! Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered! He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too. Our God is good, all the time!
Its been a time of showers within our extended families too. Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle. While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain. My brother-in-law had a scare too: he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting. After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing. It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:) I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either. I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well. She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved. Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith. Please lift them all up.
My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too. The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes. The anti-locks are being weird. Not sure what is going on there. And, we need new tires. Again. I drive way too much... I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile". This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car. Zak REALLY wants to buy his own. I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance. We'll see what happens. We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...
But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather. We take the good with the bad. Each day is new. And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment!
Its been almost a month since my last post. Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me. I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia. My girl is 12 now. Her birthday was on the first day of school. She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture. But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl. Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us. Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago. But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it. She was by far our easiest baby. 6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever! Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper. I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her. She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring. LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.
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| 5th grade graduation, 2012
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I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues too. After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist. He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure. So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram. We went in this past Monday for that. The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened! Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered! He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too. Our God is good, all the time!
Its been a time of showers within our extended families too. Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle. While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain. My brother-in-law had a scare too: he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting. After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing. It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:) I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either. I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well. She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved. Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith. Please lift them all up.
My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too. The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes. The anti-locks are being weird. Not sure what is going on there. And, we need new tires. Again. I drive way too much... I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile". This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car. Zak REALLY wants to buy his own. I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance. We'll see what happens. We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...
But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather. We take the good with the bad. Each day is new. And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
There's a hole in my bucket...
do you ever feel like there is a hole in your bucket? like, no matter how much you pour into it, it never gets any fuller? i'm there right now. we've had so much going on for so many months. zak's medical stuff is just one more thing. as i've said, we assume, and hope its nothing major. but, that bucket just keeps pissing our lives out the bottom... when paul went in for all the stuff with his back, we knew getting comp involved was going to complicate things. we didn't want to claim it, even though we were sure that his job, and everything he does there is what caused his problems. when the neurologist said he "couldn't lie, and would have to say it was work related" we figured we better turn it in. so, when the NEXT doctor (the surgeon who operated on him) said "oh, no, this isn't work related, its genetic", I just KNEW there would be a problem. now, neither insurance company wants to pay. and this isn't just something new - i've honestly been avoiding it head-in-the-sand style for awhile now. it just was that one more thing that i couldn't deal with while paul was gone. but the hospital and the surgeon want their money. and it looks like it needs to come from us - at least until one of the insurance companies will pony up for it. otherwise, our credit is screwed (i really wanted to swear here...).
and the truck needs new brakes. BADLY. this problem is a relatively minor one. paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie. just one more thing... and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy. high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week. we also need new tires before winter. AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...
i'm a worrier by nature. i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too. no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it. BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated... don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could. but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry. i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person. but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak. this hasn't happened. i have known who heis for a very long time. and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that. looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did. i've been looking at pictures this week. reminiscing about when we became parents. and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then. some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either. he doesn't smile anymore. at least not much. and i miss it. life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it. and finding it again can be so hard. especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials. its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them. i think this is where paul is right now. maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. which kind of brings us all to that spot.
getting to that spot is what prompted this post. the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it. so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime. i had to get it out. sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison. if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming. you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next? i don't know. what i do know is i could just cry right now. my bucket is NOT overflowing. its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it. so, i apologize for this downer of a post. about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try.
and the truck needs new brakes. BADLY. this problem is a relatively minor one. paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie. just one more thing... and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy. high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week. we also need new tires before winter. AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...
i'm a worrier by nature. i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too. no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it. BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated... don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could. but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry. i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person. but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak. this hasn't happened. i have known who heis for a very long time. and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that. looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did. i've been looking at pictures this week. reminiscing about when we became parents. and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then. some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either. he doesn't smile anymore. at least not much. and i miss it. life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it. and finding it again can be so hard. especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials. its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them. i think this is where paul is right now. maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. which kind of brings us all to that spot.
getting to that spot is what prompted this post. the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it. so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime. i had to get it out. sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison. if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming. you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next? i don't know. what i do know is i could just cry right now. my bucket is NOT overflowing. its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it. so, i apologize for this downer of a post. about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Mom, can I have the keys?
Haven't heard this one yet. Only because we haven't had time for him to take the driving test and go the Secretary of State's office. A little LOT more practice parking wouldn't hurt either... Another vehicle is on our list of "wants" too, Zak has been saving all summer thinking he is going to find his own - something cheap and reliable is tough to find right now!
This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being. His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever. Being a mom is the hardest job on earth. I can't imagine my life any other way. If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you. I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can. I have grown up right along with him. Every day is something new - still. Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones! He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible! My first born...
We've had a crazy week though. On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure. This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work. Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled. Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football. NOT a happy camper. And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th. If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season. For us, we just want to know what is going on. For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time. It hasn't been a good birthday for him. We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar. And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess. Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player. The not knowing is the worst. For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry. If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.
And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come. We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one. We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves. Happy birthday to my sweet boy. Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being. His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever. Being a mom is the hardest job on earth. I can't imagine my life any other way. If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you. I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can. I have grown up right along with him. Every day is something new - still. Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones! He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible! My first born...
August 16, 1996 at 5:22 pm, this 8 lb baby boy (whom I was certain was going to be a girl!) came into my life. One of the most amazing experiences ever. And now, 16 years later, he towers over me. But, he still is the most tender-hearted, loving boy. His sense of humor, his love of his brother and sisters, his spiritual growth all make him the person he is.
We've had a crazy week though. On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure. This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work. Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled. Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football. NOT a happy camper. And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th. If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season. For us, we just want to know what is going on. For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time. It hasn't been a good birthday for him. We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar. And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess. Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player. The not knowing is the worst. For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry. If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.
And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come. We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one. We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves. Happy birthday to my sweet boy. Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
My "Boys of Fall"
This week marked the start of the football season. 2-a-days began on Monday. They even got some "wet weather" practice in - we FINALLY got a couple days of soaking rain! I hope it wasn't too late for the crops, but I fear it was:( Our weed-filled lawn however, is looking green and growing tall... (the weeds that is).
The boys are on the same team this year too - first time EVER. Hoping this season is as "winning" as last;) Zak's JV team was undefeated last year - a repeat would be nice!
Their first game is going to be pretty exciting - against Wayland. In my memory, the 2 schools have not played each other. The games are at Hopkins August 23rd, and the JV is playing at 3:30 followed by the Varsity. While I agree that "pride is on the line", I hope that good sportsmanship will prevail, and whoever wins is a gracious winner. We live in a small community. It would be sad if this turned into an ugly rivalry. Friendly competition would be a good thing though.
Today was the blue and white scrimmage. The boys ran through some plays, did a little showing off for the parents, and gave us a glimpse of what the season is going to hold. Paul had to work this morning, so he wasn't able to go. It would have been better had HE been able to be there, rather than me - he "gets it". Me, not so much. I just like to see them all "doin' their thing", so to speak:)
This is my clothes line after the morning's play. Caleb is spending the weekend with us, so I had 3 sets of stink to get clean:) I love seeing my clothes line full of blue! The sky was amazing today too - full of big, fluffy clouds, and such a fantastic color! Love the day after a few days of rain - everything seems fresh and clean. Just like this laundry. At least for a few days anyway!
So, here's to a new season. While I am hoping for a season of victories, I PRAY for no injuries, fun, and memories to last a lifetime - for my boys, your boys, all of our "Boys of Fall".
The boys are on the same team this year too - first time EVER. Hoping this season is as "winning" as last;) Zak's JV team was undefeated last year - a repeat would be nice!
Today was the blue and white scrimmage. The boys ran through some plays, did a little showing off for the parents, and gave us a glimpse of what the season is going to hold. Paul had to work this morning, so he wasn't able to go. It would have been better had HE been able to be there, rather than me - he "gets it". Me, not so much. I just like to see them all "doin' their thing", so to speak:)
This is the JV line on the practice field. Zak is the large one on the far left of the picture (80). Devin (74) and Caleb (69) are right in the middle. From what I can tell (and the "gossip" amongst the parents), the JV team is much larger than the Varsity this year. In size and numbers. I hope this doesn't mean they are going to pull up some of the JV players. I have been waiting for this year for a LONG time. I'm wanting to see what this team can do together. And, while I don't think Zak is necessarily motivated enough, or good enough to move up, his size is definitely something that will be looked at... so, selfishly, I want to see my boys "stick together" this year. I guess we just wait and see!
This is my clothes line after the morning's play. Caleb is spending the weekend with us, so I had 3 sets of stink to get clean:) I love seeing my clothes line full of blue! The sky was amazing today too - full of big, fluffy clouds, and such a fantastic color! Love the day after a few days of rain - everything seems fresh and clean. Just like this laundry. At least for a few days anyway!
So, here's to a new season. While I am hoping for a season of victories, I PRAY for no injuries, fun, and memories to last a lifetime - for my boys, your boys, all of our "Boys of Fall".
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Christmas in... August. You thought I was going to say July, didn't you??
Way back when Grace and Zak (and later Dev and Lucy) were the only grandchildren, we celebrated birthdays on or around their birth dates. It evolved into maybe 3 - 4 parties a year, celebrating all the birthdays near that party date. Now, we have one large party every year for ALL the grandchildren's birthdays. Its pretty much Christmas for them. This has become our tradition since Emily moved out of Michigan with her family. This way, we can enjoy seeing everyone while she is home, and they don't miss the celebrations either.
As the oldest kids get older (16 this year for Grace and Zak!) we anticipate a time when we might not do this anymore. This year was the start of it - Dillon was not here. He will not be back with us on this earthly plane, to celebrate another year together. Our peace is that we WILL see him again. One day, we will all be able to celebrate at the Throne. This year, we were blessed to add Vivian, celebrating her very first birthday with us, and Erica, who joined us in January when she came to live with Andy and Lisa. So, it continues - circle of life kind of thing.
Which is why comparing our party-in-the-summer to Christmas is so appropriate. The gift of God's Son being born to save us all is WHY we can celebrate anything. Christmas is a birthday too. And remembering, even when we don't feel like celebrating, is important. Good times, bad times, new years, milestone birthdays, family additions... We are so blessed to have each other!! Family will always be there - laughter (and there was a lot last night!), tears (I know I was close to them a couple times), families share these things with you. We lift each other up physically, emotionally, faithfully.
As the oldest kids get older (16 this year for Grace and Zak!) we anticipate a time when we might not do this anymore. This year was the start of it - Dillon was not here. He will not be back with us on this earthly plane, to celebrate another year together. Our peace is that we WILL see him again. One day, we will all be able to celebrate at the Throne. This year, we were blessed to add Vivian, celebrating her very first birthday with us, and Erica, who joined us in January when she came to live with Andy and Lisa. So, it continues - circle of life kind of thing.
Which is why comparing our party-in-the-summer to Christmas is so appropriate. The gift of God's Son being born to save us all is WHY we can celebrate anything. Christmas is a birthday too. And remembering, even when we don't feel like celebrating, is important. Good times, bad times, new years, milestone birthdays, family additions... We are so blessed to have each other!! Family will always be there - laughter (and there was a lot last night!), tears (I know I was close to them a couple times), families share these things with you. We lift each other up physically, emotionally, faithfully.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Never more than we can handle
So, this topic has been floating around in my brain for a while. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do justice tonight, but I wanted to get out some of my thoughts. Certainly, I will revisit this at a later date as well.
Don't you wonder sometimes, how you look through God's eyes? I would like to just glimpse what He sees when he looks at me. How many times I (and I'm sure you too) have heard "God never gives us more than we can handle". And, as many times, I have thought - "Really?! 'Cause I don't think I can handle this, or that..." But He must see more in me than I do. Some strength that I just don't realize is there. And, of course, He's right. Things I never imagined living through, or stuff I would have rather NOT lived through, I have survived. I have suceeded, so to speak. And, without His hand, His guidance, I would not have. It's really bigger than I can get my head around a lot of the time. The human in me never fails to "forget" to give credit where credit is due though. Its a good thing the Father looks past that!
Its not just my life, and my journey that He has a hand on though. This year has been such an awakening for our family. And not just the 6 of us under this roof. I think of the family members who have had to deal with more than they thought possible - good and bad this year. And, some of them, just aren't ready to hear that God is carrying them, that He is NOT giving them too much to bear - because it just hurts so bad, and the burden is SO heavy. Others embrace with grace the trials of life, knowing that HE is with them, they are amazing examples of life lived faithfully. I am learning daily from each of them. And I can see so much more clearly God's workings. While I still question, still doubt, I am learning to just let go. Learning being the key word. I still have so very far to go.
My faith workout is just as important as my physical workout. In fact, its MORE important. Maybe thats why... you don't get stronger without exercise...
God will never give you more than you can handle. Learning it, living it. Every day, every step.
Don't you wonder sometimes, how you look through God's eyes? I would like to just glimpse what He sees when he looks at me. How many times I (and I'm sure you too) have heard "God never gives us more than we can handle". And, as many times, I have thought - "Really?! 'Cause I don't think I can handle this, or that..." But He must see more in me than I do. Some strength that I just don't realize is there. And, of course, He's right. Things I never imagined living through, or stuff I would have rather NOT lived through, I have survived. I have suceeded, so to speak. And, without His hand, His guidance, I would not have. It's really bigger than I can get my head around a lot of the time. The human in me never fails to "forget" to give credit where credit is due though. Its a good thing the Father looks past that!
Its not just my life, and my journey that He has a hand on though. This year has been such an awakening for our family. And not just the 6 of us under this roof. I think of the family members who have had to deal with more than they thought possible - good and bad this year. And, some of them, just aren't ready to hear that God is carrying them, that He is NOT giving them too much to bear - because it just hurts so bad, and the burden is SO heavy. Others embrace with grace the trials of life, knowing that HE is with them, they are amazing examples of life lived faithfully. I am learning daily from each of them. And I can see so much more clearly God's workings. While I still question, still doubt, I am learning to just let go. Learning being the key word. I still have so very far to go.
My faith workout is just as important as my physical workout. In fact, its MORE important. Maybe thats why... you don't get stronger without exercise...
God will never give you more than you can handle. Learning it, living it. Every day, every step.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Vacation, kinda.
I am enjoying the last few hours of some much needed time off from work. Because Paul's actual homecoming date was something we weren't sure of, I didn't know how to schedule a "normal" vacation for us. I didn't know if he could get time off if he was home, or, if he would even be here if I planned something. So, we didn't make any real plans. I took a week off from work, but we stayed home. My mom and sister were at the cottage that we've gone to since the beginning of time... (beginning of my time anyway - there has not been a year without it in my lifetime!) so the kids and I were able to spend most of the week with them. Paul decided to work most of the week - and just sitting around at the cottage isn't his thing, so it was probably a good choice. He did spend the weekend there with us, and he took a day off too. And since the kids and I stayed home, we were still able to see him. All in all, it was a good week.
We started our "stay"cation with a fun dinner with some good friends, and ended it yesterday with a mini-reunion with friends we haven't seen in about 13 years. So, along with some fun family time, we enjoyed some friend time too. Mark and Mark (and later their wives) were a huge part of our "pre-kid" years, and reconnecting was so much fun!
We started our "stay"cation with a fun dinner with some good friends, and ended it yesterday with a mini-reunion with friends we haven't seen in about 13 years. So, along with some fun family time, we enjoyed some friend time too. Mark and Mark (and later their wives) were a huge part of our "pre-kid" years, and reconnecting was so much fun!
If I looked hard enough, I am sure I could find some mullet-filled pics of "back in the day". And here they are married, dads. Back then, we could never have imagined it! It was fun to see our kids get to know each other too - we don't live close, and visits may not happen often (we plan to get together sooner than 13 years from now!) - but making new friends, and keeping in touch with the old ones is so important!
Its been a busy week. Busier than our vacations normally are. But in a good way. We are all together, all healthy. This summer, I can't ask for more than that!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
What is normal?
Paul is home. I picked him up last night after work. He is still finishing the program, but level 5 can be done from home. After 5 months of him being away, we have some adjusting to do. Its a good thing he has to submit meeting slips 3 times a week while he is on level 5 - just coming home and dealing with "real" life without the crutches he has leaned on for so many years would not have been a good thing. This way, he has support from more than me, the kids, and friends - you can never have too much support! This weekend doesn't have the surreal feeling that I expected his homecoming to have - maybe because he has been home most weekends for the last several months anyway. I think the "work week" will be the biggest change for us. He has had a certain schedule that he has maintained for the months away, and we have our routine each day too. Pray for smooth adjustments for all of us.
I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal". I don't know that I believe this. I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages. And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day. This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink. So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party". These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine. For ME its fine. It might be fine for you. Its not fine for Paul. And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing. I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way. BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him. This is going to change our "normal" social life. And, I'm good with that. We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box. Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either. Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think.
The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work. Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday. We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up! Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine. But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!
A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God. He already has it figured out" on her FB status. This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us. We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.
And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers! I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!
"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!! I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February. Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal. Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore. This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)! EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!! I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears. And you throw in hot-flashes to boot. I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!! I'm not prepared for this yet! I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks... I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, our family has lots of new things to figure out. NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-)
I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal". I don't know that I believe this. I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages. And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day. This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink. So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party". These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine. For ME its fine. It might be fine for you. Its not fine for Paul. And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing. I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way. BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him. This is going to change our "normal" social life. And, I'm good with that. We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box. Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either. Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think.
The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work. Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday. We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up! Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine. But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!
A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God. He already has it figured out" on her FB status. This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us. We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.
And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers! I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!
"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!! I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February. Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal. Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore. This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)! EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!! I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears. And you throw in hot-flashes to boot. I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!! I'm not prepared for this yet! I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks... I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, our family has lots of new things to figure out. NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-)
Monday, June 18, 2012
june
Its been a busy month for us. I have a hard time balancing the things I want to do, and the things that I NEED to do. Wouldn't we all rather do the "fun" things?? And, when it seems that there is so MUCH that I need to do, and I don't know how to fit the things I want to do in... well, I get down. I know I'm not alone in this, and I really, REALLY don't want to whine about it. My goal with this is not to weigh others down with my negativity... so, I will focus on the things that get me UP:)
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
summertime
Summer vacation started "officially" at our house this week. The last day of school for my kids was last Friday. On Monday, the boys started their summer weightlifting schedule for football. At 7am. 4 days a week. This means MY day actually needs to start earlier than it did during the school year. Hmmm. Something about this doesn't sound right! Part of being a mom I guess. Next year, this will all be different - as Zak will be driving then. OH, that really makes me feel old!
We also have house guests for about 10 days. Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year. It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours. It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:) I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!
The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip. Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer. I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all. Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)
One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home. He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now. At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course. He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life. I am hopeful and scared all at the same time. His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober. He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before. I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle. I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed. When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...
July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg. We had such a good time. It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives. Which is what the best vacations are. This year, we have no plans. Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either. I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us. Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are. Maybe we'll just get some work done at home. Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation. And, I won't feel old:)
Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August! I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!
So, on that note, a song to end this post: I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...
We also have house guests for about 10 days. Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year. It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours. It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:) I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!
The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip. Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer. I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all. Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)
One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home. He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now. At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course. He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life. I am hopeful and scared all at the same time. His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober. He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before. I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle. I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed. When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...
July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg. We had such a good time. It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives. Which is what the best vacations are. This year, we have no plans. Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either. I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us. Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are. Maybe we'll just get some work done at home. Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation. And, I won't feel old:)
Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August! I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!
So, on that note, a song to end this post: I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Milestones x2
So, its been a couple weeks now since my last post. In that time, we have marked school field trips: Liv to Saugatuck sand dunes and roller skating, Laine to Home Depot, the park and getting ice cream at Fantasy Twirl, Devin to Craig's Cruisers, and bowling, off the calendar. We've celebrated Memorial Day in our family "traditional" way: annual parade through Martin with a ceremony at the veterans' memorial park, then the family pot-luck at the music barn. I also got to see 2 kids graduate this year - Devin first from 8th grade, then Liv from 5th grade. Both will be moving onward and upward to new schools and experiences in the fall.
Life keeps moving around us. No matter how much we "slow down" or "de-clutter" our lives, it continues to move forward. I'm not much for the sentimental-crying-because-the-kids-are-getting-older kind of thing... but these milestones we have celebrated recently... they make me kind of sad. Seeing how "grown up" my kids look, makes me long for the simpler times of their babyhood. But, when I look at it that way, I can't keep my rose-colored glasses on forever, either. Those times were not easy, just, different. Each age brings its own set of milestones, its own set of challenges. My heart hurts because Paul couldn't be there for some of these things this year. But, it also rejoices because now, through God's grace and perfect timing, he'll be there for the high school graduations, for the college football games, he'll be there to walk the girls down the aisle when they get married. This season of our lives is another milestone. And we will move past it too. I pray we can take the positive things with us as we continue forward on our journey.
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| Devin and Caleb |
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| Olivia and Steven |
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| Devin, around 2 years old |
2012 has certainly been a year of unexpectedness for us. We embrace the challenges we have faced, because - God knows what we need, when we need it. And, He knows what we are capable of - even when we don't, and don't BELIEVE we can get through something. Seasons change. Milestones pass by. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. (and yes, I hear Steven Tyler singing that as I write it, hehe)
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| Olivia, first day of preschool |
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Milestones
I've been meaning to write about milestones for a couple days now. Milestones, as in "rites of passage" or "life events" and the like. Big or small, we all have these things in our lives that we measure our time by. Even if its just Monday again (comin' around every week), or a birthday/anniversary - the good things that recurring milestones can be. Other times, they mark things we would prefer to "disremember". The death of a loved one. The loss of a friend. A bad choice that can haunt us in our later days. All milestones.
Here; in our smallish, conservative, midwestern spot on the earth, we are reminded of another milestone that comes around almost every year. The deaths of 2 teenagers over the weekend in an alcohol related accident hits pretty close to home:
1. I have an almost-driver.
2. I have an alcoholic husband, who THANK GOD, has never killed anyone.
3. My co-workers grew up with the parents of one of the teens.
This kind of tragic event inevitably seems to happen in one or more of the school districts in our (EVERY) area this time of the year. No, alcohol is not always involved. Yes, teens who believe they are invincible are. Whether its prom, graduation, or just first-long-weekend-of-the-summer, this season seems to bring accidents like this. We have all "been-there, done-that". We have all thought it would never happen to us. If I had to guess (no hard stats here) 90% of us have made the same bad choices as the kids involved in this accident. But, BY GOD'S GRACE, we are still here to look back at those choices - those milestones in our lives if you will - and hope that we can pass along the knowledge we LEARNED from those lapses in judgement to our own kids before its too late! The things we did... <shudder> ... unfortunately, kids will be kids - and they ALL go through the "invincible" stage. No parent should have to loose a child this way. My heart aches for everyone involved in this accident, and for all those who mourn the loss of these 2 kids. My hope is that they knew the Lord. I didn't know them. But God did. And he was with them every minute of their lives. I hope they knew that. I know my kids know. My prayers are with the driver of the car. No matter the legal ramifications of his actions - his life is forever changed. This milestone in his life is one he will never escape. And, this anniversary, is one the families of these kids will struggle with forever. They have my prayers too.
The one-time milestones: graduation, first day of school, first tooth lost, first love/broken heart, wedding, first child... I could go on and on, and I'm sure you all have things you can add to this list. These are the things we measure our days with. I hope that your milestones are good ones. That these good milestones outweigh the tragic results of bad decisions.
Here; in our smallish, conservative, midwestern spot on the earth, we are reminded of another milestone that comes around almost every year. The deaths of 2 teenagers over the weekend in an alcohol related accident hits pretty close to home:
1. I have an almost-driver.
2. I have an alcoholic husband, who THANK GOD, has never killed anyone.
3. My co-workers grew up with the parents of one of the teens.
This kind of tragic event inevitably seems to happen in one or more of the school districts in our (EVERY) area this time of the year. No, alcohol is not always involved. Yes, teens who believe they are invincible are. Whether its prom, graduation, or just first-long-weekend-of-the-summer, this season seems to bring accidents like this. We have all "been-there, done-that". We have all thought it would never happen to us. If I had to guess (no hard stats here) 90% of us have made the same bad choices as the kids involved in this accident. But, BY GOD'S GRACE, we are still here to look back at those choices - those milestones in our lives if you will - and hope that we can pass along the knowledge we LEARNED from those lapses in judgement to our own kids before its too late! The things we did... <shudder> ... unfortunately, kids will be kids - and they ALL go through the "invincible" stage. No parent should have to loose a child this way. My heart aches for everyone involved in this accident, and for all those who mourn the loss of these 2 kids. My hope is that they knew the Lord. I didn't know them. But God did. And he was with them every minute of their lives. I hope they knew that. I know my kids know. My prayers are with the driver of the car. No matter the legal ramifications of his actions - his life is forever changed. This milestone in his life is one he will never escape. And, this anniversary, is one the families of these kids will struggle with forever. They have my prayers too.
The one-time milestones: graduation, first day of school, first tooth lost, first love/broken heart, wedding, first child... I could go on and on, and I'm sure you all have things you can add to this list. These are the things we measure our days with. I hope that your milestones are good ones. That these good milestones outweigh the tragic results of bad decisions.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Tired &/or Lazy? Depends on your perspective I guess
I am going to share my blog from team beachbody, just because its late and I'm tired. I have had a lot floating around in my head waiting to write, but don't have the ambition to define it right now. I'm hoping that given a little more time, some incomplete thought processes will progress to the point of writing them out.
Copied from my beachbody blog:
Copied from my beachbody blog:
Today was a scheduled rest day, and I am so very glad! The last few days, I've been really working it, and I can feel it. I'm sore, but in a good way, not an injured way:) Anywhoo, I'm looking forward to BumBum and High and Tight tomorrow.
What I'm not looking forward to is "weighing in" on Tuesday. (I know thats a week away...) My scale has issues. I've had the same one for several years, and until I began this adventure in fitness, had been avoiding it for about the same length of time! I've always told myself numbers don't matter. Not in weight, or clothing sizes - as long as I felt good about myself and how I looked. Reality check. The numbers have ALWAYS mattered to me. I hate that I am now the "fat sister". I hate that I am heavier than I was when I GAVE BIRTH to my youngest daughter. So, the numbers matter. And my scale. Has. Issues. Over the years, it has become a toy to the kids. It is cracked, and the screen is scratched so bad that if I don't have my glasses and the light on, I can't even read it. And, it gives me random, different weights from one moment to the next. I KNOW where and how to stand on it to get a "good" reading.
When I started all this, I got my starting weight, and diligently weighed myself once a week, the same way so that my readings were at least accurately measuring loss/gain. But, now that I have become friends with my scale again, the inconsistencies bug me. I don't like to reposition myself 3 times, and take my weight that many times in 5 minutes to get an average. So, I went and bought a nice, new scale yesterday. Its got bells and whistles (bone mass %, BMI, etc) along with the weighing part of it. Here's the thing though - I weigh about what I did when I STARTED OUT on my old scale. I feel like I am starting over. I KNOW I've lost weight - my clothes fit differently. I KNOW I am more fit than I have been in at least 10 years - I have more energy, and can see the start of muscle definition. BUT, I'm hung up on those numbers. I want to get down to my goal weight of 135 lbs. So, do I start it over again, with the numbers from the new scale?? I'm kinda bummed.
I guess it really means, I weighed more than I thought I did when I began this journey. And, it means I still have a long way to go.
What I'm not looking forward to is "weighing in" on Tuesday. (I know thats a week away...) My scale has issues. I've had the same one for several years, and until I began this adventure in fitness, had been avoiding it for about the same length of time! I've always told myself numbers don't matter. Not in weight, or clothing sizes - as long as I felt good about myself and how I looked. Reality check. The numbers have ALWAYS mattered to me. I hate that I am now the "fat sister". I hate that I am heavier than I was when I GAVE BIRTH to my youngest daughter. So, the numbers matter. And my scale. Has. Issues. Over the years, it has become a toy to the kids. It is cracked, and the screen is scratched so bad that if I don't have my glasses and the light on, I can't even read it. And, it gives me random, different weights from one moment to the next. I KNOW where and how to stand on it to get a "good" reading.
When I started all this, I got my starting weight, and diligently weighed myself once a week, the same way so that my readings were at least accurately measuring loss/gain. But, now that I have become friends with my scale again, the inconsistencies bug me. I don't like to reposition myself 3 times, and take my weight that many times in 5 minutes to get an average. So, I went and bought a nice, new scale yesterday. Its got bells and whistles (bone mass %, BMI, etc) along with the weighing part of it. Here's the thing though - I weigh about what I did when I STARTED OUT on my old scale. I feel like I am starting over. I KNOW I've lost weight - my clothes fit differently. I KNOW I am more fit than I have been in at least 10 years - I have more energy, and can see the start of muscle definition. BUT, I'm hung up on those numbers. I want to get down to my goal weight of 135 lbs. So, do I start it over again, with the numbers from the new scale?? I'm kinda bummed.
I guess it really means, I weighed more than I thought I did when I began this journey. And, it means I still have a long way to go.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Celebrations
Its been a week of celebrations here. My second son turned 14 on the 3rd. Zak's choir went to the state festival and got top ratings, I went to the elementary school on Friday to have "Muffins with Mom" with my girlies. We also celebrated another cousin getting married with a wedding shower for Joe Smit's fiance' last night. I have also tried very hard to celebrate the little things in life. The sun rising every day, the rain coming to help things grow. Things we take for granted.
The last several months, I've taken more notice of the things we take for granted. The things that go unnoticed, or maybe even avoided. Things we aren't always thankful for. Things we don't always celebrate. Even car troubles - its amazing to me the people who offered to help when the transmission went out on my truck - during one of the busiest weeks I've had! Makes you appreciate your friends and family even more! I guess I've celebrated transportation this week, as I've been able to get kids to school, and go to work without incident:) My boys moved the furniture around for me this week. Not such a big thing, but we now have "new" couches (thanks Lisa!) in the living room instead of in the basement. I'm celebrating boys growing into men who are helpful, and kind - especially when dad isn't here to help with these things. I'm celebrating the encouragement I've received from unexpected sources - for different things I've got goin' on: this blog, eating healthy, exercising, staying positive... the list goes on. I thank God every day for all of you!
We've been having a "birthday week" here for Devin - special supper and dessert on his birthday, went to pick up his phone (present) today, and tomorrow our traditional lunch-at-your-restaurant-of-choice dinner out along with a movie. We are lucky to be able to pick up Paul after church so that he can join us tomorrow - so we will be celebrating even more than the birthday! We need to celebrate every moment, every day we have with our loved ones. They are important, they are special. They can be gone in a blink and we can never get them back. Remember how blessed YOU are. Thank God for the special people in your lives. Celebrate what you have, WHO you have, all the time. Not just the 'special' occasions.
The last several months, I've taken more notice of the things we take for granted. The things that go unnoticed, or maybe even avoided. Things we aren't always thankful for. Things we don't always celebrate. Even car troubles - its amazing to me the people who offered to help when the transmission went out on my truck - during one of the busiest weeks I've had! Makes you appreciate your friends and family even more! I guess I've celebrated transportation this week, as I've been able to get kids to school, and go to work without incident:) My boys moved the furniture around for me this week. Not such a big thing, but we now have "new" couches (thanks Lisa!) in the living room instead of in the basement. I'm celebrating boys growing into men who are helpful, and kind - especially when dad isn't here to help with these things. I'm celebrating the encouragement I've received from unexpected sources - for different things I've got goin' on: this blog, eating healthy, exercising, staying positive... the list goes on. I thank God every day for all of you!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Oh, to be young again...
I'm suffering from a bit of "youth" envy tonight. My oldest son enjoyed the opening night of the first musical he has had the priviledge to be in. They have 3 more perfomances before its all over until next year. I volunteered to help with hair and makeup. All the parents were "encouraged" to volunteer on some type of production crew, and this seemed to be the best fit for me. I didn't do much - most of it was done before I arrived from work. I did help with some minor touch-up details during the show, so I hope I was useful.
Being backstage, and seeing all the excitement on the young faces brought back a ton of fond memories. I never had a major role in any production, but I was involved in several plays/musicals during my high school years. Definitely some wistful, looking back going on for me tonight. Oh, I would never, EVER want to repeat high school as a whole - but there were certain things, some unforgettable experiences that I wouldn't mind reliving. If only for a little while.
If you had the chance to do one thing again, what would it be? I don't know that this would be my "one thing", but it would certainly be on the short list. Picking one... thats tough. Its worth some more pondering. And, I didn't say change one thing, I just said "do it again". Doing something, EXPERIENCING something again, the exact same way you did the first time, but with the knowledge and experience you have now. I wonder, how different would that "one thing" seem now?
I'm pretty sure, we can't go back and do it all over again (Eddie Money is running through my head now!) for good reasons. Memories are meant to be enjoyed, sometimes re-lived. But not to be LIVED in. They are meant to be visited occasionally, and then put back on the shelf. We are meant to go on. To look toward the future. To strive for something ahead, not to look behind.
It was fun to see Zak making memories he will have for his lifetime. It was fun re-living my own similar memories. I can't wait to see what memories we still have to make! The future is wide open, the only thing we can be sure of is we never have to face it alone. And, knowing that, means we can go forward even without knowing what is to come. I am so thankful for my family, and friends to make my memories with:)
Being backstage, and seeing all the excitement on the young faces brought back a ton of fond memories. I never had a major role in any production, but I was involved in several plays/musicals during my high school years. Definitely some wistful, looking back going on for me tonight. Oh, I would never, EVER want to repeat high school as a whole - but there were certain things, some unforgettable experiences that I wouldn't mind reliving. If only for a little while.
If you had the chance to do one thing again, what would it be? I don't know that this would be my "one thing", but it would certainly be on the short list. Picking one... thats tough. Its worth some more pondering. And, I didn't say change one thing, I just said "do it again". Doing something, EXPERIENCING something again, the exact same way you did the first time, but with the knowledge and experience you have now. I wonder, how different would that "one thing" seem now?
I'm pretty sure, we can't go back and do it all over again (Eddie Money is running through my head now!) for good reasons. Memories are meant to be enjoyed, sometimes re-lived. But not to be LIVED in. They are meant to be visited occasionally, and then put back on the shelf. We are meant to go on. To look toward the future. To strive for something ahead, not to look behind.
It was fun to see Zak making memories he will have for his lifetime. It was fun re-living my own similar memories. I can't wait to see what memories we still have to make! The future is wide open, the only thing we can be sure of is we never have to face it alone. And, knowing that, means we can go forward even without knowing what is to come. I am so thankful for my family, and friends to make my memories with:)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Social Media
So, how many of you have contemplated the good, the bad, and the ugly of social media? I am the first to admit, I am quite addicted to it. Not the games so much - mostly because I don't let myself play them. But the inherent voyeurism of it. I love looking into the lives of people. Not just those I consider my "besties", but those I am in limited, cyber contact with as well. I have always been one of those people who; while driving down the road after dark, enjoys the glimpses of others lives through the "movie screens" of their lit windows. FB allows this on a much grander scale. It makes our worlds so much smaller. I love being able to chat with a friend in the Netherlands with the click of my keyboard. Its fun catching up with friends I haven't seen in 20+ years. And, lets face it, snooping into the lives of our children has its bonuses...
But, it has a dark side too. It feeds the gossip mongers among us by its very nature. It enables us to hurt others without direct confrontation, without coming right out and saying anything to them. Jealousy has fertile soil to grow in. Sometimes the renewed friendships can destroy current relationships. Some of us may be immediately affected by these things, and some may not see the effects until years from now - but being the humans we are, in some shape or form social media is going to "get" us at some point. Its going to hurt. This isn't to say its any worse than actual, human interaction. Because, we all know how much pain what others say can cause us face to face. I'm just observing. And, I'm just as guilty. I have never tried to "poke" someone with my judgement of their lives. With my "truth" about them. But, I have probably inadvertently caused someone pain by my typed thoughts. If its you, I am truly sorry. It was NOT intentional. FB seems to me like a voodoo doll sometimes. It can be used to "stick" someone time and again, until the pain of it gets to be too much. The judgement in some posts can weigh like a rock on someone's soul. Yes, sometimes thejudgements "sticks" are the truth. Does that mean they HAVE to be expressed? Does that mean they need to be put out there for all to see? My own thought on this is that yes; sometimes you need to say something, but not always. And if you do, send it IN AN INBOX to the person you are "sticking" with that pin. Privately.
Personally, I am glad to have it. The support I have received from old, new and beloved friends and relatives has helped get me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wouldn't have that if FB didn't exist. I love that I can know what my friends are struggling with - and what prayers they need. Sometimes, its easier to put out that request to the impersonal masses than to call someone up and tell them what you need. And, then, someone you would never expect might have some real insight into whatever you may be dealing with. They might be the answer to YOUR prayer. All because you requested prayers on a website. I've experienced it personally.
I expected to have some really bad nights with Paul away. And there have been a few. But not nearly as many as I thought - I really believe its because I spend my falling-asleep-time listing those FB contacts who have expressed prayer concerns. I'm spending my time praying for all of my friends who have asked for it. Not just then, but while I'm walking too. And while I'm driving. My quiet hours are turning into prayer hours. I'm learning to put on my armor and be a warrior for those who need it. Oh, I still struggle with depression, self pity, bitterness, and anger. But, those things don't control my life.
I hope social media is a wonderful, positive thing in your life. I hope you can leave the bad, the ugly on the screen and embrace the good things about it. I've been challenged to be positive in everything that I put out there. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. Sometimes, you just need to let the ugly out. I get it. I do it:) But, try it with me. Lets find the good in something every day, and let others know it by what we write.
But, it has a dark side too. It feeds the gossip mongers among us by its very nature. It enables us to hurt others without direct confrontation, without coming right out and saying anything to them. Jealousy has fertile soil to grow in. Sometimes the renewed friendships can destroy current relationships. Some of us may be immediately affected by these things, and some may not see the effects until years from now - but being the humans we are, in some shape or form social media is going to "get" us at some point. Its going to hurt. This isn't to say its any worse than actual, human interaction. Because, we all know how much pain what others say can cause us face to face. I'm just observing. And, I'm just as guilty. I have never tried to "poke" someone with my judgement of their lives. With my "truth" about them. But, I have probably inadvertently caused someone pain by my typed thoughts. If its you, I am truly sorry. It was NOT intentional. FB seems to me like a voodoo doll sometimes. It can be used to "stick" someone time and again, until the pain of it gets to be too much. The judgement in some posts can weigh like a rock on someone's soul. Yes, sometimes the
Personally, I am glad to have it. The support I have received from old, new and beloved friends and relatives has helped get me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wouldn't have that if FB didn't exist. I love that I can know what my friends are struggling with - and what prayers they need. Sometimes, its easier to put out that request to the impersonal masses than to call someone up and tell them what you need. And, then, someone you would never expect might have some real insight into whatever you may be dealing with. They might be the answer to YOUR prayer. All because you requested prayers on a website. I've experienced it personally.
I expected to have some really bad nights with Paul away. And there have been a few. But not nearly as many as I thought - I really believe its because I spend my falling-asleep-time listing those FB contacts who have expressed prayer concerns. I'm spending my time praying for all of my friends who have asked for it. Not just then, but while I'm walking too. And while I'm driving. My quiet hours are turning into prayer hours. I'm learning to put on my armor and be a warrior for those who need it. Oh, I still struggle with depression, self pity, bitterness, and anger. But, those things don't control my life.
I hope social media is a wonderful, positive thing in your life. I hope you can leave the bad, the ugly on the screen and embrace the good things about it. I've been challenged to be positive in everything that I put out there. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. Sometimes, you just need to let the ugly out. I get it. I do it:) But, try it with me. Lets find the good in something every day, and let others know it by what we write.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Better Days
I am so very thankful that the work/school week is more than half over!! Yesterday was, shall we say, a very Monday sort of day. I think Mondays generally get a bad rap - just because the weekend is over, doesn't mean its just DESTINED to be a bad day. But, because we expect it, it can turn rotten fast. I didn't go into Monday thinking it was going to be bad. And, for the most part, it wasn't. But yesterday... yesterday was TUESDAY for goodness' sake! And, it felt like a Monday.
I woke up with a dull headache - felt very sinus-y. I set my alarm about 45 minutes before I actually want to get up as a rule. For just such mornings as these. I took some pain-killers, and laid back down - usually, 20 minutes of relaxed breathing, and the pills will take care of the waking aches. And, yesterday was no exception - except I didn't really want to get up then. Especially not get up and exercise. But, I did. And absolutely bombed my workout. Yesterday's scheduled workout was the cardio "dance" workout. I'm good with it for about 10 minutes. After that, well, I can't seem to get the progressive moves down. And, being the perfectionist that I am - this drives me nuts! I've been doing this for almost a month now, and the learning curve isn't getting any better! Add pre-menopausal hormones into the mix, and lets just say Paul is probably lucky to NOT be living here at this time!! I ended up finishing (giving up) about 10 minutes before the end, because let's face it - crying uncontrollably in front of the TV watching strong, slim, sexy women exercise is NOT going to help me feel better when its gone this far! I made my shake, got the girls up and headed for the shower. We need a new hot water heater. The element is going (we've replaced it once) and the boys' showers from the night before plus a load of laundry tripped it. I had PLANNED to check the reset button before bed Monday night. I forgot. I had no hot water Tuesday morning. This did not make my morning better!! Moving on though, I helped Laine pick out clothes, and got her lunch ready. Then took a luke-warm (at best!) shower - in 3 minutes. Needless to say, we left the house a few minutes behind schedule. Which, actually helps during school drop off, as I get there AFTER the 7:40 rush and don't get stuck in exit lane traffic. Getting on the highway at that time however, is much BUSIER. And, I got stuck behind that person who drives 60 mph, while not being able to switch to the left lane to pass due to heavy traffic volume. Road rage is my friend.
Long story short, my work day was not too bad. Supper plans worked out well. Dance and grocery shopping went fine. The day ended better than it began. I went to bed praying for a better day today. GOD IS GOOD:) Which, I knew anyway, but today was certainly a very apparent answer to prayer. I have said it before, and I'll say it again - we have bad days, trying times, etc. to show us how good it can be. Today wasn't an exceptionally wonderful day - but it was normal. And smooth. Both of which I will grab with both hands right now! And, those wonderful days, well, I'll take those too! Here's to looking toward better days - praying all of you recognize and embrace them when they come your way too!
I woke up with a dull headache - felt very sinus-y. I set my alarm about 45 minutes before I actually want to get up as a rule. For just such mornings as these. I took some pain-killers, and laid back down - usually, 20 minutes of relaxed breathing, and the pills will take care of the waking aches. And, yesterday was no exception - except I didn't really want to get up then. Especially not get up and exercise. But, I did. And absolutely bombed my workout. Yesterday's scheduled workout was the cardio "dance" workout. I'm good with it for about 10 minutes. After that, well, I can't seem to get the progressive moves down. And, being the perfectionist that I am - this drives me nuts! I've been doing this for almost a month now, and the learning curve isn't getting any better! Add pre-menopausal hormones into the mix, and lets just say Paul is probably lucky to NOT be living here at this time!! I ended up finishing (giving up) about 10 minutes before the end, because let's face it - crying uncontrollably in front of the TV watching strong, slim, sexy women exercise is NOT going to help me feel better when its gone this far! I made my shake, got the girls up and headed for the shower. We need a new hot water heater. The element is going (we've replaced it once) and the boys' showers from the night before plus a load of laundry tripped it. I had PLANNED to check the reset button before bed Monday night. I forgot. I had no hot water Tuesday morning. This did not make my morning better!! Moving on though, I helped Laine pick out clothes, and got her lunch ready. Then took a luke-warm (at best!) shower - in 3 minutes. Needless to say, we left the house a few minutes behind schedule. Which, actually helps during school drop off, as I get there AFTER the 7:40 rush and don't get stuck in exit lane traffic. Getting on the highway at that time however, is much BUSIER. And, I got stuck behind that person who drives 60 mph, while not being able to switch to the left lane to pass due to heavy traffic volume. Road rage is my friend.
Long story short, my work day was not too bad. Supper plans worked out well. Dance and grocery shopping went fine. The day ended better than it began. I went to bed praying for a better day today. GOD IS GOOD:) Which, I knew anyway, but today was certainly a very apparent answer to prayer. I have said it before, and I'll say it again - we have bad days, trying times, etc. to show us how good it can be. Today wasn't an exceptionally wonderful day - but it was normal. And smooth. Both of which I will grab with both hands right now! And, those wonderful days, well, I'll take those too! Here's to looking toward better days - praying all of you recognize and embrace them when they come your way too!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Hmmmmm.....
Its been awhile. I have SO much swirling around in my head tonight. I apologize beforehand for my meandering thought patterns...
There is a fine line between high hopes and unrealistic expectations. How do you decide if what you are hoping for can become a reality, and, if it CAN, is it something unrealistic to expect? Goals go hand in hand with this I think. Its always good to have goals that you strive for. I am striving for a goal right now - to live a more active, healthy lifestyle. By doing so, my GOAL is to be down 2 pant sizes by the end of the summer. Worthy? To me, yes. Someone else might think it shallow and stupid. Unrealistic? No, I have proved to myself over the last 6 weeks that I CAN add exercise into each day, and... ENJOY said exercise!! I can also watch what I eat: not so much depriving myself of the foods I love, but controlling portion sizes, and adding foods that are healthier into the mix. My "high hopes" are becoming realized goals.
Where the gray area comes in, right now for me anyway, is in what I hope for and expect of Paul through his recovery process. I HOPE he can find a way to fight the urge to drink again - and continue fighting it. Do I "expect" him to just do this without help or encouragement? Of course not! But, I wonder sometimes if he thinks that? That the help I try to give doesn't feel like help to him? That what I HOPE are encouraging words come out sounding pious and judgemental to him? I pray so long and so hard and so often for him. I don't think he knows (or would even believe!) how much he is on my mind and heart. And, its so not about me. I just know who he could be. Who I have seen glimpses of over the years. I HOPE that I do not have unrealistic expectations of him that put him under too much pressure.
This all brings me to attitude. Optimism or pessimism? Or neither? I've never been a "glass is 1/2 full" kind of gal. But, to say the "glass is 1/2 empty" doesn't really fit me either. I'm more of "that's a 1/2 a glass" of something. More of a "tell it like it is" type. Maybe more fatalistic? I don't know. Its something thats been on my mind a lot lately. Over the years, I've gone through phases of each attitude at some point. I think everyone does. Even the most ETERNAL optimist has moments of doubt. Those people who see sunshine, lollypops and rainbows everywhere... I think its an act. NO ONE can be that cheerful about everything all the time. Just like people who NEVER see the good in things. I think that they LIKE to be blue. It must do something for them. Lets leave it to the fates... No, I don't really think that either!!! As a Christian, I know that our course is set, that God knows everything we will do before we do it - so, fatalistic, maybe. But, I also know that He gives us freedom to chose our path. This is a concept greater minds than mine struggle with. And, I'll say right now - I have had issues with since I was a child! Its too big for me. And I'm ok with that. I know my Savior, and thats enough. Moving on...
Perseverance. Good word. By definition: determined continuation with something, steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks. I think this is going to be my attitude. Perseverancism (yes, I know I just made that up - but its a good word, I'm keeping it!) The last 19 years have not been easy. They have been filled with so much - good, bad, ugly, wonderful. I am going to stay the course though, and I am so glad I don't have to travel alone. I know there is something better waiting for me. In this life AND the next!
Happy Easter, everyone! Remember why we celebrate! He is Risen Indeed! Praises!
There is a fine line between high hopes and unrealistic expectations. How do you decide if what you are hoping for can become a reality, and, if it CAN, is it something unrealistic to expect? Goals go hand in hand with this I think. Its always good to have goals that you strive for. I am striving for a goal right now - to live a more active, healthy lifestyle. By doing so, my GOAL is to be down 2 pant sizes by the end of the summer. Worthy? To me, yes. Someone else might think it shallow and stupid. Unrealistic? No, I have proved to myself over the last 6 weeks that I CAN add exercise into each day, and... ENJOY said exercise!! I can also watch what I eat: not so much depriving myself of the foods I love, but controlling portion sizes, and adding foods that are healthier into the mix. My "high hopes" are becoming realized goals.
Where the gray area comes in, right now for me anyway, is in what I hope for and expect of Paul through his recovery process. I HOPE he can find a way to fight the urge to drink again - and continue fighting it. Do I "expect" him to just do this without help or encouragement? Of course not! But, I wonder sometimes if he thinks that? That the help I try to give doesn't feel like help to him? That what I HOPE are encouraging words come out sounding pious and judgemental to him? I pray so long and so hard and so often for him. I don't think he knows (or would even believe!) how much he is on my mind and heart. And, its so not about me. I just know who he could be. Who I have seen glimpses of over the years. I HOPE that I do not have unrealistic expectations of him that put him under too much pressure.
This all brings me to attitude. Optimism or pessimism? Or neither? I've never been a "glass is 1/2 full" kind of gal. But, to say the "glass is 1/2 empty" doesn't really fit me either. I'm more of "that's a 1/2 a glass" of something. More of a "tell it like it is" type. Maybe more fatalistic? I don't know. Its something thats been on my mind a lot lately. Over the years, I've gone through phases of each attitude at some point. I think everyone does. Even the most ETERNAL optimist has moments of doubt. Those people who see sunshine, lollypops and rainbows everywhere... I think its an act. NO ONE can be that cheerful about everything all the time. Just like people who NEVER see the good in things. I think that they LIKE to be blue. It must do something for them. Lets leave it to the fates... No, I don't really think that either!!! As a Christian, I know that our course is set, that God knows everything we will do before we do it - so, fatalistic, maybe. But, I also know that He gives us freedom to chose our path. This is a concept greater minds than mine struggle with. And, I'll say right now - I have had issues with since I was a child! Its too big for me. And I'm ok with that. I know my Savior, and thats enough. Moving on...
Perseverance. Good word. By definition: determined continuation with something, steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks. I think this is going to be my attitude. Perseverancism (yes, I know I just made that up - but its a good word, I'm keeping it!) The last 19 years have not been easy. They have been filled with so much - good, bad, ugly, wonderful. I am going to stay the course though, and I am so glad I don't have to travel alone. I know there is something better waiting for me. In this life AND the next!
Happy Easter, everyone! Remember why we celebrate! He is Risen Indeed! Praises!
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