Mom, can I have the keys?

Haven't heard this one yet.  Only because we haven't had time for him to take the driving test and go the Secretary of State's office.  A little LOT more practice parking wouldn't hurt either...  Another vehicle is on our list of "wants" too, Zak has been saving all summer thinking he is going to find his own - something cheap and reliable is tough to find right now!

This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being.  His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever.  Being a mom is the hardest job on earth.  I can't imagine my life any other way.  If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you.  I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can.  I have grown up right along with him.  Every day is something new - still.  Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones!  He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible!  My first born...

August 16, 1996 at 5:22 pm, this 8 lb baby boy (whom I was certain was going to be a girl!) came into my life.  One of the most amazing experiences ever.  And now, 16 years later, he towers over me.  But, he still is the most tender-hearted, loving boy.  His sense of humor, his love of his brother and sisters, his spiritual growth all make him the person he is. 

We've had a crazy week though.  On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure.  This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work.  Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled.  Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football.  NOT a happy camper.  And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th.  If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season.  For us, we just want to know what is going on.  For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time.  It hasn't been a good birthday for him.  We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar.  And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess.  Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player.  The not knowing is the worst.  For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry.  If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.

And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come.  We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one.  We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves.  Happy birthday to my sweet boy.  Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.



What is normal?

Paul is home.  I picked him up last night after work.  He is still finishing the program, but level 5 can be done from home.  After 5 months of him being away, we have some adjusting to do.  Its a good thing he has to submit meeting slips 3 times a week while he is on level 5 - just coming home and dealing with "real" life without the crutches he has leaned on for so many years would not have been a good thing.  This way, he has support from more than me, the kids, and friends - you can never have too much support! This weekend doesn't have the surreal feeling that I expected his homecoming to have - maybe because he has been home most weekends for the last several months anyway.  I think the "work week" will be the biggest change for us.  He has had a certain schedule that he has maintained for the months away, and we have our routine each day too.  Pray for smooth adjustments for all of us.

I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal".  I don't know that I believe this.  I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages.  And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day.  This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink.  So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party".  These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine.  For ME its fine.  It might be fine for you.  Its not fine for Paul.  And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing.  I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way.  BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him.  This is going to change our "normal" social life.  And, I'm good with that.  We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box.  Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either.  Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think. 

The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work.  Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday.  We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up!  Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine.  But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!

A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God.  He already has it figured out" on her FB status.  This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us.  We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.

And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers!  I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!

"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!!  I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February.  Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal.  Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore.  This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)!   EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!!  I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears.  And you throw in hot-flashes to boot.  I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!!  I'm not prepared for this yet!  I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks...  I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!

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So, our family has lots of new things to figure out.  NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-) 

summertime

Summer vacation started "officially" at our house this week.  The last day of school for my kids was last Friday. On Monday, the boys started their summer weightlifting schedule for football. At 7am. 4 days a week.  This means MY day actually needs to start earlier than it did during the school year. Hmmm. Something about this doesn't sound right! Part of being a mom I guess. Next year, this will all be different - as Zak will be driving then. OH, that really makes me feel old! 

We also have house guests for about 10 days.  Devin and Olivia have a brother-sister set of friends from their classes who moved to TN during the school year.  It happened to work out that they were able to travel to MI on Wednesday, and they will be staying with us until next Saturday, when I will meet their parents 1/2 way between their home and ours.  It makes us busier, but only because we are trying to fit in friend-visits and fun during my non-working hours OR shuffling Elaina around so that everyone else can go places/do things during the day when I am working and she requires some more "mature" sibling guidance. Sometimes I think she is (and she acts!) older than all of them:)  I love their different personalities, and fun-loving natures - but (again!) I feel old around/because of them!

The end of June Liv will be going on her first YG serve trip.  Even though she is only just entering 6th grade in the fall, the current YG has invited her age-group to join them this summer.  I can't wait to see her reaction to the work they will be doing. Of course, a big draw for her in going is the last-day visit to Michigan's Adventure... I know she will enjoy it all.   Her being part of this group, and then joining YG in the fall when she starts middle school... (you all know this part) makes me feel old:)

One of the biggest changes June brings is Paul's return home.  He is on level 4 of his 5 level program right now.  At the end of level 4, he has the option of coming home, and completing the program from home while still getting credit for finishing the course.  He will have some challenges in completing the program, AND the challenges of returning to his life.  I am hopeful and scared all at the same time.  His commitment to this has remained steady over the last 4.5 months, so I am hopeful that he will be able to come home and stay sober.  He has never been willing to give this kind of time and effort to his alcoholism before.  I'm scared because coming back to "real" life after being so insulated for the last 4.5 months is going to be (IMO) his largest hurdle.  I can't imagine being thrown back into water I was drowning in. I have to trust that he has learned to swim, or at least been given the floatation device he needs to succeed.  When I think of the years we have let go by us... I don't think I need to say it...

July brings us to the traditional "cottage vacation week". Last year we didn't go, so that we could take our first ever family road trip - to Gatlinburg.  We had such a good time.  It was hot, and of course the tourist town was busy, but our cabin on the mountain was a refuge. A wonderful, amazing, much needed escape from our daily lives.  Which is what the best vacations are.  This year, we have no plans.  Or, at least, no road-trips planned. And, no cottage stay in the works either.  I AM taking a week off. We will see where that week finds us.  Maybe we'll just drive until we decide to stop. And see where we are.  Maybe we'll just get some work done at home.  Whatever we decide - we will VACATION. Because this year, just being together is going to be vacation.  And, I won't feel old:)

Throw in summer camp, and summer dance lessons, football camps, 3 days of drivers training, probably a wedding and of course the 4th of July, a couple graduation open houses... oh, and football practices starting in August!  I don't think we'll need to go looking for anything else to do!  

So, on that note, a song to end this post:  I love this crazy, tragic, Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life...

Busy week

Its looking like a busy week.  Sunday started it all with Paul being able to spend several hours home with us - but driving to GR and back twice in one day fills up alot of time! (NOT complaining!!) Yesterday was our normal Monday, with play practice for Zak thrown in. Today was "dance Tuesday", with the addition of the middle school choir concert. Tomorrow I get to start the process of getting another child ready for high school (am I really this old?!). I think Thursday is free though - woo hoo, think I love Thursday :) Friday the kids don't have school... again. But, Saturday, Saturday... Lisa and I are taking the girlies on a hotel weekend, with a dance competition for Liv on Sunday.  We haven't done a weekend with just us girls, in... well, ever! REALLY looking forward to it.

And, thats all I got tonight! Paul thought maybe he would get a chance to call, but its after 10, and we agreed that I wouldn't expect to hear from him after that. So, I'm goin' to bed! Gonna pray that his week is full, busy, and rewarding, and that he knows I am holding his hand in spirit! If any of you are interested in going to church services with him Sunday, or want to spend a couple hours with him - LET ME KNOW - I won't be around this weekend, so he could use some company...