Anniversaries

Some days are easier to celebrate than others.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of when I started my job. When I look back at that time in my life, I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today.  I had lost my job at the jewelry store, I was separated from my husband, and had 3 kids depending on me.  Paul and I always said during that time that no matter what, our kids came first.  The issues we faced were OURS , not theirs.  We never wanted them to feel like they were in the middle of our battles.  And, really, compared to some, we never really had "battles".  

Back then, we weren't good together.  We weren't good TO each other.  That year of separation taught us both so many things about ourselves and about each other.  I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it - there is NOTHING a marriage can't survive if both spouses put God first, and BOTH sincerely want to stay together.  Its not easy.  It wasn't easy.  Even after deciding that we wanted to make our marriage a success we still hurt each other.  But we learned to forgive better.  To forget more.  To let God take control. And since that time, even with the addiction struggles and the financial worries we've had good years.  We were blessed with another child. We bought our first land/home. Paul found his way at the Elevator. We discovered a wonderful extended family in our church home. The kids are flourishing at Hopkins.  He overcame the demon riding his back for so very long. So many memories. So much to be thankful for.  So much to miss. 

Last year I celebrated our anniversary alone because Paul was at the Salvation Army.  Becoming the man I knew I married...  This year, I celebrated our 20th anniversary alone too.  This time, because he is blazing the trail for me.  Waiting for me.  Firemen from church sifted through the ashes of our lifetime together, and found my wedding rings on that anniversary.  I know he is celebrating in his Heavenly home.  I know the pain I feel is my own sadness and loss.  I do not grieve for him.  He dwells with the Father now.  I grieve for the anniversaries to come.  Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays that we will spend missing him.

10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a single, divorced parent.  God knew better and I am so thankful he had a different path for us!! I am in a much better place than I was back then.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically.  I see that I needed these last 10 years to be able to get through what is now and to come.  I wasn't ready to be alone then.  I'm not ready now - but I'm better EQUIPPED to be alone, ready or not.

We always kind of joked that I was better as a working mom.  Being home with the kids wasn't something I was "good" at. I have to say, with the changes at the Elevator/Farm we were looking at a longer range goal of my working part-time.  And now, as I celebrate working FULL-time for 10 years at Arvron, I'm glad I'm where I am.  I like my job.  I enjoy the people I work with.  I am celebrating. God is good. All the time.  

Flood day!

So, after a winter too full of snow days (the kids are making up a few in June) today we had a "flood day".  A very NECESSARY flood day - our little town spent a lot of time underwater today! As I looked at the pictures via facebook from just about everyone I know in town, and the help that was being given and received, I was reassured that we are right where God wants us to be.  Our town is amazing.  Today's real life flood only illustrates the flood of support we have received from everyone around us. 

I don't really feel like blogging tonight.  What I really want to do is go to bed early. Zak isn't home yet, Elaina is in bed and the other 2 are doing their own things.  I think I was lead to blog tonight (I felt like it all came together in the right way anyway).  Its been a few days since the last one, and things have calmed down some... we were starting to get into our new normal routine... and then the gift of a day off. A day just spent together. For the most part anyway.  Liv had an ortho appointment so she and I went out after lunch for that, and then she went shopping with a friend.  Zak went to Brit's for supper and the rest of us ate leftovers.  It was a quiet day, and the memories have been flying at me all evening. 

I think its because of a community in need.  Paul would NOT have been happy to deal with all the water and flooding at work today, but - he would have been the first to lend a hand and help our town through this.  A day like today would have been so "him".  Grumpy on the outside, loving and willing heart on the inside. I was afraid to let the boys go into town to help today.  Not sure of the roads on their way to town.  So I kept them home.  One of the things I need to learn to let go of.  Paul would have let them go.  He would have gone with them! My mother's heart doesn't want them to grow up, to be big enough to do that on their own.  To be able to make those kinds of decisions.  Especially now.

I'm tired tonight. And sad. And feeling kind of down.  I didn't feel this way all day, its just kind of snuck up on me in the last hour or so.  I've been expecting days/moments like this.  Until now, even through the grief I've felt really uplifted and if not positive, at least not negative.  I'm a little negative tonight.  Even KNOWING God's got this, I mean, my wedding rings were found on my anniversary!! If that's not His way of telling me its all gonna be ok, I don't know what is.  But tonight is a down night. I think I heard Zak's car, I'm going to bed.  Maybe I was supposed to write all this "whine" tonight so that you all know I'm no saint in this! I've had so many people tell me how "amazing my strength is" and "what a testament" I am.  I want this to mean something and I'm glad they see that in me.  But I am human.  I am lonely.  This is real life. And tonight it really sucks.

One of many firsts...

My first night alone, just me and the kids.  It’s a strange feeling.  I’m tired but don’t want to go to sleep.  And, it’s weird to be blogging from my bed, in a nest of pillows, covered in a new, “musical” designed blanket.  A wonderful mom from Sycamore made “tied” blankets for each of us – mine is black with rainbow music notes and symbols.  I love it.  It’s like Paul keeping me in his arms for the night.

 

While my mind doesn’t go back to that night as often as it did the first few days, I do think of it often.  The colors, sounds, smells haunt me. Zak said he doesn’t remember me waking him or leaving the house.  I wish I could erase the whole night from his mind.  I wish I could erase it from mine.

 

We went to the house yesterday. It was so much worse than I could have imagined. And so much better too.  Hard to describe.  I take my rings off before bed at night – my fingers swell and it makes me claustrophobic to wear them to bed.  So, my wedding ring was lost in the fire.  It really is the one thing I hope we can still find (we didn’t yesterday).  However, we did find some memento jewelry that I am hoping can be cleaned up and made wearable again – like the first ring Paul ever gave me, and the onyx ring from his Grandpa Durian. The firemen from church who took several hours out of their Saturdays for us were amazing, and have expressed a desire to go back and continue looking for my rings.  While I would be joyful to have them, they are only a symbol – the one thing I would want back can never be.  And really, when I think about the paradise he is in, I really, REALLY wouldn’t want him to give that up to be back here.  No matter how much I miss him.

 

John 14:1-4 says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” This was the passage that was on the programs at the memorial service.  When the men from church got to the house yesterday (a little before us) they said a prayer and went in and out of the area they were going to search several times.  One of the things that they had talked about was how cool it would be to find a bible in all that black, burned destruction.  About the 3^rd time they went to a certain area in our basement, a spot they had already looked at, they noticed something white.  When they went over to check it out, IT WAS PAUL’S BIBLE. The edges were blackened, but it was laying open to this same passage. This is so much bigger than finding my wedding rings! The pages are white, readable, and the whole book is basically intact. How amazing! How wonderful! How God-filled! I believe this must have been the last passage Paul read in that bible. I believe he is in the Father’s house now. My heart is breaking. Every day I ache to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  But my Lord is preparing a place for me too.

We also were excited to find that both of my cedar chests – the one Paul gave me and the one my dad Phil built for me, while blackened and burnt, protected everything inside them.  I have some special mementos left which was a welcome surprise.  After driving up that driveway and seeing the complete destruction of our home, these little things were a blessing!  There was also a box of baby clothes the kids had just received for the new little grandson on the way that were completely fine – just wet. Aunt Lisa washed them all and they look like new. 

Silly little things really. But little bits of hope that out of this wreckage something good will come.  I believe this.  I have to believe this.  God Bless my friends! I love you all!

How do I title something I never expected to write??

I wrote this several days ago, 4.9.13 actually.  Shortly after we planned Paul's memorial service.  Until I get internet service and can get online via someway other than my phone, my blogging will be sporadic at best.  Know that its something I HAVE to do.  I've learned over the last year that my way of working through things is by writing.  I love you all so much, and just want to remind you all to TELL each other.  Every day, every parting.  I can never tell Paul again, but I did tell him before I went to bed and I tell my kids several times a day.  We are holding tight to each other and missing him in a way no one can imagine.  But each day is new.  Each day we are together.  Each day we love.  

 

From April 9, 2013:

The last few days as we struggle to find our way in this new world we find ourselves in our only hope and strength comes from God.  In the small things and in the bigger things.  Discovering he had clothing left at the mill – so we have some physical thing to hang onto after the loss of all, the overwhelming, tremendous flow of love and supplies from friends, family and even those we don’t know… God is there.   Yes, we are devastated.  Yes, we are grieving.  BUT – these are our human, sinful frailties... We rejoice, we celebrate too.  These things are GOD things. I am struggling with the why of it all, but I do know that God has a reason for everything.  And HE knows every single thing that is going to happen to us in our lives even before we are born.  So, HE knew this was going to happen, and HE knows why this happened.  Someway, somehow I know that there is going to be good from this.  HE is going to make this good.

 

We’ve spent some time Sunday going over the service and how to celebrate someone who HATED being the center of “stupid” parties.  Birthdays were “just another day” to him – he could never understand why age was a big deal.  Of course, he never felt older than 18… in his mind anyway!  We couldn’t have any memorial for him without music.  Other than the kids, music was the thing he loved the most.  Any and all music.  My very first thought was that I wanted every single musician who ever played with him to join in.  But we would have been there for days….  So, we have a plan – and by the time this is read it will have already happenedJ

 

Instead, at some later date, probably this summer – I plan to have a large jam session at the music barn.  I want everyone to bring their axe and their memories and we will play long and loud enough for him to hear us in heaven!  Here’s the thing though, many of you who were in bands with him asked him to leave for a reason.  He has struggled with his addiction for a majority of his adult life.  The last year has been a gift for us.  Olivia expressed to me that she was finally getting to know the real him – and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t have enough time.  So I’m gonna just say it blunt: there is NEVER ENOUGH TIME.  Lots of you share Paul’s addiction.  You may think you are functioning just fine, that it isn’t affecting anyone but you.  You’re wrong.   The people who love you are dying for you to STOP. To get to know the real you.  Let them before it’s too late. There is no alcohol allowed at the music barn.  So, if you come there with it, or already drunk I’m gonna ask you to leave.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink – I even like a little buzz once in a while. But this is to celebrate Paul – and it was a long time comin’ for him to get sober and mean it.  You all didn’t like him when he was drunk, I didn’t like him when he was drunk.  We don’t like YOU when you’re drunk either. Ask for some help if you need to, but change. Your. Life. Now.   Before you don’t have the chance.

 

I have the complete assurance that my love is home in heaven with his heavenly father.  Paul’s faith is something that he has never hidden.  Run from sometimes, but never hidden.  NO ONE is perfect.  We all have those things in our lives.  The hidden and not so hidden sins.  The beauty of the saviors grace is that it is here for each and every one of us if we just ask.  There is nothing too big for our God. Repent. Receive. And accept Jesus Christ into your life.  I am going to see my husband again.  He is waiting for me. He is waiting for you.  I want to know that each and every one of you will be joining us in paradise.  I’m probably pissing some of you off.  Who am I to point the finger, right?? I am not judging – I am pleading because I want this awful, senseless, tragic death to mean something.  I want someone to be saved because Paul died. I want God to be praised because HE is good.  All the time.