How do I title something I never expected to write??

I wrote this several days ago, 4.9.13 actually.  Shortly after we planned Paul's memorial service.  Until I get internet service and can get online via someway other than my phone, my blogging will be sporadic at best.  Know that its something I HAVE to do.  I've learned over the last year that my way of working through things is by writing.  I love you all so much, and just want to remind you all to TELL each other.  Every day, every parting.  I can never tell Paul again, but I did tell him before I went to bed and I tell my kids several times a day.  We are holding tight to each other and missing him in a way no one can imagine.  But each day is new.  Each day we are together.  Each day we love.  

 

From April 9, 2013:

The last few days as we struggle to find our way in this new world we find ourselves in our only hope and strength comes from God.  In the small things and in the bigger things.  Discovering he had clothing left at the mill – so we have some physical thing to hang onto after the loss of all, the overwhelming, tremendous flow of love and supplies from friends, family and even those we don’t know… God is there.   Yes, we are devastated.  Yes, we are grieving.  BUT – these are our human, sinful frailties... We rejoice, we celebrate too.  These things are GOD things. I am struggling with the why of it all, but I do know that God has a reason for everything.  And HE knows every single thing that is going to happen to us in our lives even before we are born.  So, HE knew this was going to happen, and HE knows why this happened.  Someway, somehow I know that there is going to be good from this.  HE is going to make this good.

 

We’ve spent some time Sunday going over the service and how to celebrate someone who HATED being the center of “stupid” parties.  Birthdays were “just another day” to him – he could never understand why age was a big deal.  Of course, he never felt older than 18… in his mind anyway!  We couldn’t have any memorial for him without music.  Other than the kids, music was the thing he loved the most.  Any and all music.  My very first thought was that I wanted every single musician who ever played with him to join in.  But we would have been there for days….  So, we have a plan – and by the time this is read it will have already happenedJ

 

Instead, at some later date, probably this summer – I plan to have a large jam session at the music barn.  I want everyone to bring their axe and their memories and we will play long and loud enough for him to hear us in heaven!  Here’s the thing though, many of you who were in bands with him asked him to leave for a reason.  He has struggled with his addiction for a majority of his adult life.  The last year has been a gift for us.  Olivia expressed to me that she was finally getting to know the real him – and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t have enough time.  So I’m gonna just say it blunt: there is NEVER ENOUGH TIME.  Lots of you share Paul’s addiction.  You may think you are functioning just fine, that it isn’t affecting anyone but you.  You’re wrong.   The people who love you are dying for you to STOP. To get to know the real you.  Let them before it’s too late. There is no alcohol allowed at the music barn.  So, if you come there with it, or already drunk I’m gonna ask you to leave.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink – I even like a little buzz once in a while. But this is to celebrate Paul – and it was a long time comin’ for him to get sober and mean it.  You all didn’t like him when he was drunk, I didn’t like him when he was drunk.  We don’t like YOU when you’re drunk either. Ask for some help if you need to, but change. Your. Life. Now.   Before you don’t have the chance.

 

I have the complete assurance that my love is home in heaven with his heavenly father.  Paul’s faith is something that he has never hidden.  Run from sometimes, but never hidden.  NO ONE is perfect.  We all have those things in our lives.  The hidden and not so hidden sins.  The beauty of the saviors grace is that it is here for each and every one of us if we just ask.  There is nothing too big for our God. Repent. Receive. And accept Jesus Christ into your life.  I am going to see my husband again.  He is waiting for me. He is waiting for you.  I want to know that each and every one of you will be joining us in paradise.  I’m probably pissing some of you off.  Who am I to point the finger, right?? I am not judging – I am pleading because I want this awful, senseless, tragic death to mean something.  I want someone to be saved because Paul died. I want God to be praised because HE is good.  All the time.