Anniversaries

Some days are easier to celebrate than others.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of when I started my job. When I look back at that time in my life, I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today.  I had lost my job at the jewelry store, I was separated from my husband, and had 3 kids depending on me.  Paul and I always said during that time that no matter what, our kids came first.  The issues we faced were OURS , not theirs.  We never wanted them to feel like they were in the middle of our battles.  And, really, compared to some, we never really had "battles".  

Back then, we weren't good together.  We weren't good TO each other.  That year of separation taught us both so many things about ourselves and about each other.  I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it - there is NOTHING a marriage can't survive if both spouses put God first, and BOTH sincerely want to stay together.  Its not easy.  It wasn't easy.  Even after deciding that we wanted to make our marriage a success we still hurt each other.  But we learned to forgive better.  To forget more.  To let God take control. And since that time, even with the addiction struggles and the financial worries we've had good years.  We were blessed with another child. We bought our first land/home. Paul found his way at the Elevator. We discovered a wonderful extended family in our church home. The kids are flourishing at Hopkins.  He overcame the demon riding his back for so very long. So many memories. So much to be thankful for.  So much to miss. 

Last year I celebrated our anniversary alone because Paul was at the Salvation Army.  Becoming the man I knew I married...  This year, I celebrated our 20th anniversary alone too.  This time, because he is blazing the trail for me.  Waiting for me.  Firemen from church sifted through the ashes of our lifetime together, and found my wedding rings on that anniversary.  I know he is celebrating in his Heavenly home.  I know the pain I feel is my own sadness and loss.  I do not grieve for him.  He dwells with the Father now.  I grieve for the anniversaries to come.  Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays that we will spend missing him.

10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a single, divorced parent.  God knew better and I am so thankful he had a different path for us!! I am in a much better place than I was back then.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically.  I see that I needed these last 10 years to be able to get through what is now and to come.  I wasn't ready to be alone then.  I'm not ready now - but I'm better EQUIPPED to be alone, ready or not.

We always kind of joked that I was better as a working mom.  Being home with the kids wasn't something I was "good" at. I have to say, with the changes at the Elevator/Farm we were looking at a longer range goal of my working part-time.  And now, as I celebrate working FULL-time for 10 years at Arvron, I'm glad I'm where I am.  I like my job.  I enjoy the people I work with.  I am celebrating. God is good. All the time.