So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season. December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge. Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities. This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing.
After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within. We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff. Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family. I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon. He has left such an empty place in our family. True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming. Especially right now. These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him. These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE. I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can. This is not my forte'. My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.
The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too. Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives. So much good came out of such a low point. The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other. I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself. I can only work on my own issues and problems. I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction. I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me. When I don't know how I can get up and face the day. But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress. As are Paul's for himself. I KNOW he struggles every day. I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in. I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it. There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve. For him and for me. I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us. And we keep on keeping on.
Its time to get moving. I have a lot to accomplish today. I am not a black Friday shopper. So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me. The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster.
Be thankful for your blessings. I'm working on that too.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
I. Have. The. House. To. Myself.
I don't know what to do!! 3 kids spent the night elsewhere last night, Paul and Zak left for work around 7:30.... Besides the dog/cat, I am the only one home!! Oh silence - you are my friend:) I tried to sleep in (darn internal clock anyway!), but decided I needed to enjoy as many minutes as I can BY MYSELF. I love my family, I enjoy the life going on in this place, but a few stolen minutes alone, IN MY HOUSE are pure joy just because they happen so infrequently:)
I've had my coffee (and yes, a cigarette too - that resolve has been steadily crumbling... YES, I am going to get back on that wagon!). No, the TV is not on - although a good, cheesy, hallmark movie could be enjoyable. No tunes, just amazing quiet. A nice long, hot shower would be good too - it seems that I either catch the tail end of the hot water, after everyone else has used it up, or I am in a hurry in the morning and don't get to experience the bliss of just standing there for the sake of standing there. I suppose I COULD turn up the radio and dance around in my underwear... but I'm NOT, hehe. If I had a book in the house that I have not read, that would definitely be on my agenda. I could do my nails, maybe a pedicure... Or the more mundane - sort the socks in the basket that is climbing toward the ceiling, load the dishwasher, throw a load of clothes in the machine... ...nah, I can do THOSE things when everyone is home! The possibilities are endless...
And so, I write. I love this. My thoughts may not always flow gracefully, I may whine and pout verbally, but this is MY therapy. I do it for ME. The busy-ness of our lives (and not just mine, yours too!) make it so we do not take the time always for the things that lift us up. The things that bring us back to ourselves.
With the holidays coming up, I am reminded that its not always about everyone else - I need to take a step back sometimes and do what I need to for ME. We have SO MANY "obligations" this time of year. Some of them, I think every year, we need to cut out. But then, November/December roll around and I just don't want to give them up. For many reasons: we see family that we don't get to spend time with often, the kids love to socialize, parties are FUN (once you get there!). But the down side for me is that by the end of the year, I'm done. With working full time, the school stuff, and then parties with family and sometimes friends, I'm worn out! I've thought about the new traditions that will eventually take the place of some that we have now. As the kids get older, and the days of children-in-laws rapidly approach, I wonder how different our lives will be. How we will celebrate special times?
Our personal Christmas has never been about how much we can buy for the kids (finances have never allowed that!). We usually look at what they NEED. Presents tend toward the mundane - socks, underwear, comforters for the beds... We do try to get them at least one thing each that is more "fun", but some years that isn't always so easy - especially now with them getting older. Its funny, the older they get, the more EXPENSIVE the "fun" presents get!
And Christmas isn't about the presents. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the GIFT of God's Son in the ways we do, in this country. Our freedoms are so often taken for granted. With the election just over with, and so many of my friends and family NOT HAPPY with the results (I'm not gonna go there - my personal views are just that - personal!), I try to stay thankful that we HAVE the rights that we do. That our country is only our temporary home - we have someplace even GREATER to go when the time is right. And its all because of a little baby.
I have to say, I have pretty great kids. And, because gifts are more about need than want at our house - and always have been - they don't seem to focus on presents so much. Just like all of us, they love to get them, but they love to get ALL their presents. Not just the ones they want. They have been the greatest gifts of my life, I thank God for them every day. I hope and pray that I am giving them the gifts that will bring them HOME when its their time. I pray this for the someday-in-laws too. New traditions. New people to love. Old Faith.
And now, while I still have my blessed solitude, I'm gonna go do something else. Anything else. Because I can:) I'm alone. And yet, never alone. You all have a blessed Saturday. And blessed holidays - Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! May God bring you every good thing this year!
I've had my coffee (and yes, a cigarette too - that resolve has been steadily crumbling... YES, I am going to get back on that wagon!). No, the TV is not on - although a good, cheesy, hallmark movie could be enjoyable. No tunes, just amazing quiet. A nice long, hot shower would be good too - it seems that I either catch the tail end of the hot water, after everyone else has used it up, or I am in a hurry in the morning and don't get to experience the bliss of just standing there for the sake of standing there. I suppose I COULD turn up the radio and dance around in my underwear... but I'm NOT, hehe. If I had a book in the house that I have not read, that would definitely be on my agenda. I could do my nails, maybe a pedicure... Or the more mundane - sort the socks in the basket that is climbing toward the ceiling, load the dishwasher, throw a load of clothes in the machine... ...nah, I can do THOSE things when everyone is home! The possibilities are endless...
And so, I write. I love this. My thoughts may not always flow gracefully, I may whine and pout verbally, but this is MY therapy. I do it for ME. The busy-ness of our lives (and not just mine, yours too!) make it so we do not take the time always for the things that lift us up. The things that bring us back to ourselves.
With the holidays coming up, I am reminded that its not always about everyone else - I need to take a step back sometimes and do what I need to for ME. We have SO MANY "obligations" this time of year. Some of them, I think every year, we need to cut out. But then, November/December roll around and I just don't want to give them up. For many reasons: we see family that we don't get to spend time with often, the kids love to socialize, parties are FUN (once you get there!). But the down side for me is that by the end of the year, I'm done. With working full time, the school stuff, and then parties with family and sometimes friends, I'm worn out! I've thought about the new traditions that will eventually take the place of some that we have now. As the kids get older, and the days of children-in-laws rapidly approach, I wonder how different our lives will be. How we will celebrate special times?
Our personal Christmas has never been about how much we can buy for the kids (finances have never allowed that!). We usually look at what they NEED. Presents tend toward the mundane - socks, underwear, comforters for the beds... We do try to get them at least one thing each that is more "fun", but some years that isn't always so easy - especially now with them getting older. Its funny, the older they get, the more EXPENSIVE the "fun" presents get!
And Christmas isn't about the presents. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the GIFT of God's Son in the ways we do, in this country. Our freedoms are so often taken for granted. With the election just over with, and so many of my friends and family NOT HAPPY with the results (I'm not gonna go there - my personal views are just that - personal!), I try to stay thankful that we HAVE the rights that we do. That our country is only our temporary home - we have someplace even GREATER to go when the time is right. And its all because of a little baby.
I have to say, I have pretty great kids. And, because gifts are more about need than want at our house - and always have been - they don't seem to focus on presents so much. Just like all of us, they love to get them, but they love to get ALL their presents. Not just the ones they want. They have been the greatest gifts of my life, I thank God for them every day. I hope and pray that I am giving them the gifts that will bring them HOME when its their time. I pray this for the someday-in-laws too. New traditions. New people to love. Old Faith.
And now, while I still have my blessed solitude, I'm gonna go do something else. Anything else. Because I can:) I'm alone. And yet, never alone. You all have a blessed Saturday. And blessed holidays - Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! May God bring you every good thing this year!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Count 'em on one hand.
5 things. I am in a bible study, and have only been working on it for a few days. While I have had a "head" faith my whole life, my "heart" faith flows like the sea in waves. Something we are working on living out, memorizing, is easy (should be!) to remember every day. We can count it out on 1 hand:
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.
Simple enough. Not so much. Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things. I've made myself notes. I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator. I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work. I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.
I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day. It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us. He wants to give us every good thing. This is SO hard for me. I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path. Giving this up is so painful.
My words don't want to flow tonight. There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it.
There are other things I can count on 1 hand. The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith. Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth". There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment. It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't. BUT, he is right on the money with this. God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not. Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.
Simple enough. Not so much. Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things. I've made myself notes. I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator. I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work. I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.
I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day. It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us. He wants to give us every good thing. This is SO hard for me. I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path. Giving this up is so painful.
My words don't want to flow tonight. There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it.
There are other things I can count on 1 hand. The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith. Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth". There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment. It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't. BUT, he is right on the money with this. God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not. Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.
Friday, November 2, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
BIG sigh here. Its been a whirlwind of a fall here. School starting, football everyday for the boys, dance season beginning, 2 weddings, family visits... Busy. In a good way, but sometimes that busyness can get overwhelming. And, of course, we've all been passing a cold around. 'Tis the season I guess!
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive. And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)
The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy. Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again. And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it! I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!! Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16. And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer.
Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too. She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop. They will be performing a tap in the recital in June. I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT. Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!
Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:( His back will never be the same. And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older... It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time. I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person. But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...
Which brings me to myself. I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives. Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time. My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up. That hasn't happened. Yet. My goal is to make November my month. I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings. I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer. I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again. Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same. I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights. Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball. So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights. I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then. (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR. And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it. My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important! I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too. And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time. I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies).
I've begun thinking about the holidays too. I struggle with the joy there. Again - busyness. I get to the parties and I'm fine. Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time. We just have so MANY. And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year. The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE. Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...
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