5 things. I am in a bible study, and have only been working on it for a few days. While I have had a "head" faith my whole life, my "heart" faith flows like the sea in waves. Something we are working on living out, memorizing, is easy (should be!) to remember every day. We can count it out on 1 hand:
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.
Simple enough. Not so much. Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things. I've made myself notes. I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator. I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work. I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.
I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day. It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us. He wants to give us every good thing. This is SO hard for me. I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path. Giving this up is so painful.
My words don't want to flow tonight. There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it.
There are other things I can count on 1 hand. The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith. Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth". There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment. It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't. BUT, he is right on the money with this. God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not. Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Sunshine and Showers
Did you ever notice how when it rains, it POURS? Its been that kind of month for us. Really, each thing in and of itself has been no big deal. For some reason though, each LITTLE thing, comes in multiples until they all look rather large. Honestly, I wake up each day and just remind myself that its a NEW day - to just take it as it comes in that day. And I'm ok with that. Just can't seem to get out from under that cloud sometimes.
Its been almost a month since my last post. Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me. I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia. My girl is 12 now. Her birthday was on the first day of school. She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture. But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl. Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us. Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago. But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it. She was by far our easiest baby. 6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever! Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper. I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her. She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring. LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.
Our ongoing troubles with the water heater finally became an issue we HAD to address this weekend. For the last several months, we have been babying the old girl along - the heating element had been replaced a couple years ago and now the reset button has finally given up. Rather than buy a new one now, Paul thought he could replace the elements again. No such luck. After several hours of fighting with (and cussing at) the thing, he decided we just needed to bite that bullet and buy a new one. This is in actuality a good thing - the old one, because of its issues has been a BIG electric hog. We hope the new one will help this! Because it is as old as our home (and trailer-quality to boot!) there is no water shut off by the heater - this means Paul had to shut off the water to the house alltogether. We have now been without water for 16+ hours. Something he had to do of course, but it makes life difficult for all of us - and 6 people with no water (no TOILETS) is not so pleasant. We are all a little grumpy today :) Only a little though, because we know its only temporary, and he did fill up some containers of water before he turned it off. Hopefully, the installation of the new one will go smoothly!
I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues too. After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist. He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure. So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram. We went in this past Monday for that. The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened! Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered! He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too. Our God is good, all the time!
Its been a time of showers within our extended families too. Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle. While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain. My brother-in-law had a scare too: he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting. After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing. It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:) I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either. I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well. She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved. Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith. Please lift them all up.
My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too. The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes. The anti-locks are being weird. Not sure what is going on there. And, we need new tires. Again. I drive way too much... I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile". This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car. Zak REALLY wants to buy his own. I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance. We'll see what happens. We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...
But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather. We take the good with the bad. Each day is new. And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment!
Its been almost a month since my last post. Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me. I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia. My girl is 12 now. Her birthday was on the first day of school. She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture. But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl. Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us. Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago. But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it. She was by far our easiest baby. 6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever! Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper. I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her. She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring. LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.
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| 5th grade graduation, 2012
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I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues too. After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist. He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure. So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram. We went in this past Monday for that. The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened! Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered! He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too. Our God is good, all the time!
Its been a time of showers within our extended families too. Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle. While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain. My brother-in-law had a scare too: he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting. After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing. It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:) I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either. I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well. She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved. Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith. Please lift them all up.
My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too. The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes. The anti-locks are being weird. Not sure what is going on there. And, we need new tires. Again. I drive way too much... I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile". This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car. Zak REALLY wants to buy his own. I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance. We'll see what happens. We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...
But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather. We take the good with the bad. Each day is new. And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Never more than we can handle
So, this topic has been floating around in my brain for a while. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do justice tonight, but I wanted to get out some of my thoughts. Certainly, I will revisit this at a later date as well.
Don't you wonder sometimes, how you look through God's eyes? I would like to just glimpse what He sees when he looks at me. How many times I (and I'm sure you too) have heard "God never gives us more than we can handle". And, as many times, I have thought - "Really?! 'Cause I don't think I can handle this, or that..." But He must see more in me than I do. Some strength that I just don't realize is there. And, of course, He's right. Things I never imagined living through, or stuff I would have rather NOT lived through, I have survived. I have suceeded, so to speak. And, without His hand, His guidance, I would not have. It's really bigger than I can get my head around a lot of the time. The human in me never fails to "forget" to give credit where credit is due though. Its a good thing the Father looks past that!
Its not just my life, and my journey that He has a hand on though. This year has been such an awakening for our family. And not just the 6 of us under this roof. I think of the family members who have had to deal with more than they thought possible - good and bad this year. And, some of them, just aren't ready to hear that God is carrying them, that He is NOT giving them too much to bear - because it just hurts so bad, and the burden is SO heavy. Others embrace with grace the trials of life, knowing that HE is with them, they are amazing examples of life lived faithfully. I am learning daily from each of them. And I can see so much more clearly God's workings. While I still question, still doubt, I am learning to just let go. Learning being the key word. I still have so very far to go.
My faith workout is just as important as my physical workout. In fact, its MORE important. Maybe thats why... you don't get stronger without exercise...
God will never give you more than you can handle. Learning it, living it. Every day, every step.
Don't you wonder sometimes, how you look through God's eyes? I would like to just glimpse what He sees when he looks at me. How many times I (and I'm sure you too) have heard "God never gives us more than we can handle". And, as many times, I have thought - "Really?! 'Cause I don't think I can handle this, or that..." But He must see more in me than I do. Some strength that I just don't realize is there. And, of course, He's right. Things I never imagined living through, or stuff I would have rather NOT lived through, I have survived. I have suceeded, so to speak. And, without His hand, His guidance, I would not have. It's really bigger than I can get my head around a lot of the time. The human in me never fails to "forget" to give credit where credit is due though. Its a good thing the Father looks past that!
Its not just my life, and my journey that He has a hand on though. This year has been such an awakening for our family. And not just the 6 of us under this roof. I think of the family members who have had to deal with more than they thought possible - good and bad this year. And, some of them, just aren't ready to hear that God is carrying them, that He is NOT giving them too much to bear - because it just hurts so bad, and the burden is SO heavy. Others embrace with grace the trials of life, knowing that HE is with them, they are amazing examples of life lived faithfully. I am learning daily from each of them. And I can see so much more clearly God's workings. While I still question, still doubt, I am learning to just let go. Learning being the key word. I still have so very far to go.
My faith workout is just as important as my physical workout. In fact, its MORE important. Maybe thats why... you don't get stronger without exercise...
God will never give you more than you can handle. Learning it, living it. Every day, every step.
Monday, June 18, 2012
june
Its been a busy month for us. I have a hard time balancing the things I want to do, and the things that I NEED to do. Wouldn't we all rather do the "fun" things?? And, when it seems that there is so MUCH that I need to do, and I don't know how to fit the things I want to do in... well, I get down. I know I'm not alone in this, and I really, REALLY don't want to whine about it. My goal with this is not to weigh others down with my negativity... so, I will focus on the things that get me UP:)
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
I am reminded what good kids I have. We really have been extra busy this month, and with the exception of a few "don't bug me" episodes and a little teenage attitude - the big 3 especially have been helpful and pleasant to be around. Baby girl, she just wants to help all the time... even when help isn't really helpful:) And, as long as she gets a good nights sleep, she's pretty much a joy to be around;) They are also good friends - most of the time! Dev and Liv had friends visit from Tennessee, who were a bit homesick. So, we invited them to be part of our family for 10 days. (I'm sure the days they spent with their grandparents were a welcome respite from our hectic house!) Zak and Dev have also been working part-time at the mill. In the NASTY, dirty, basement of the mill. That probably hasn't been cleaned or used in, well, a really long time. They have been doing this without complaint (generally!). They do get a day at Aunt Lisa's pool once a week, and Grandma Smit plans on them helping out around her house too, so they will get a break from the dust and dirt, but its good for them. Keeps them off the video games all summer. Liv is "in charge" while the boys are working this summer. Its been, good. Most of the time. We haven't had a very normal schedule yet, so time will tell. I have confidence in her though.
I treasure the good friends who always call at just the right time. To go for a walk, to plan a movie date, or just tell me about their day. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. Not that I am ever alone... Sometimes, I admit, I long for some moments by myself that don't include speeding down the expressway! My walks do help this, but I am getting those in before work right now with my sister when I drop the boys at weightlifting. And, lets face it - sometimes you just don't want to do it again! So, my evening walks - my reflection time - is on hiatus for now. Which, in 90+ degree weather isn't all bad! And, speaking of treasured people... my sister is my go-to for just about everything right now. I'm pretty sure she gets awfully sick of me some days! But I appreciate everything she does for me, and I KNOW I don't know what I would do without her!
Sisters... I have some difficult news from my mom about one of her sisters. She went into the hospital with some stomach issues, and they discovered a tumor on her pancreas. Right now, they do not know for sure that it is cancerous, but she is having some pretty major surgery tomorrow, followed by what sounds like a longish hospital stay. Growing up, we were always really close to my mom's sisters and this is a really hard thing for me - I can't imagine what her husband/kids/grandkids are feeling or how my mom and her other sisters feel. I am praying hard, and ask that you do as well. She has always been an amazing example of faith in my life, and no matter what I KNOW she will continue to be one of God's shining lights for me. So, while this isn't necessarily an "upper" for me, it does serve to remind me that God always has His hands on us, and a purpose for everything we live through.
Paul is planning on coming home in about 10 days. This is a HUGE step for us. I have so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even put it into words. One of the steps in deciding if he is ready to come home, and continue his program from here was talking to the "leveling counselor", who makes the recomendation to stay at the ARC for the last level, or determines if someone is strong enough to complete the program from home. Paul said the counselor is confident that he has the tools he needs to come home at the end of the month. I need to be confident then, too. God placed the people at the ARC in Paul's life at this time for a reason, and I have to trust that He is working on a much larger plan for our lives. I'm not good at trust. I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at living without a "plan". These are all things that I am asking you to pray for. For me, and for Paul. For our kids.
Funny how just writing it all out, gets it out of my system. How I feel so much better than I did just a 1/2 hour ago:) I may not know each of you reading this, but I thank God for all of you as well, and ask a blessing on your lives too - without you, this would just be a diary...!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Just not feelin' it...
I'm just not feeling happy today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, or bummed out, just not, happy. I am a firm believer in CONTENT rather than happy as a rule. I think if you live your life always looking to be happy - as in WHAT will make me happy, WHO do I need to be with to be happy, HOW am I going to stay happy... then you miss out on the things that make you content. The things that are enough.
"It is what it is", has been my mantra for many years. It kind of HAS to have been. To get through my days, seeing how we were. And, to some degree, this is truth no matter what. You do have to just accept sometimes. It is what it is. BUT, we do have that ability to CHANGE what isn't working for us. To IMPROVE what's not right. To SET GOALS for the future. Here's the kicker, for me anyway. When I have done this in the past its made me discontent with what I have now, in the present.
I want to live my life for the moment. I want to be happy with what is. I don't want to look at the past and wish I could change things, or wish I could do things differently. But, I want to make the future brighter too. I want to make my house a haven for my kids. I want to make my marriage an example of the RIGHT way to interact and enjoy my spouse. I want to live a healthier, more active life to set an example for my kids. I want my faith to show to others. The problem I have is mixing all this up in a balanced way. To be content in the now, and still strive for the reachable goals for the future. Not looking back - I'm trying to only do that when I feel like I have something to learn from the past - not relive the mistakes and beat myself or anyone else up about it.
So, yeah. Today, I'm just not feeling it. I think I'm wallowing a bit. I don't know how to do any of this today. I'm not happy. And, thats ok. I'm allowed. I won't stay this way. I'll find the contentedness again. Maybe not the happy, at least not right away. I might need to learn how to BE happy. Hmmm. I think I need to learn that again. Content - that I can do.
"It is what it is", has been my mantra for many years. It kind of HAS to have been. To get through my days, seeing how we were. And, to some degree, this is truth no matter what. You do have to just accept sometimes. It is what it is. BUT, we do have that ability to CHANGE what isn't working for us. To IMPROVE what's not right. To SET GOALS for the future. Here's the kicker, for me anyway. When I have done this in the past its made me discontent with what I have now, in the present.
I want to live my life for the moment. I want to be happy with what is. I don't want to look at the past and wish I could change things, or wish I could do things differently. But, I want to make the future brighter too. I want to make my house a haven for my kids. I want to make my marriage an example of the RIGHT way to interact and enjoy my spouse. I want to live a healthier, more active life to set an example for my kids. I want my faith to show to others. The problem I have is mixing all this up in a balanced way. To be content in the now, and still strive for the reachable goals for the future. Not looking back - I'm trying to only do that when I feel like I have something to learn from the past - not relive the mistakes and beat myself or anyone else up about it.
So, yeah. Today, I'm just not feeling it. I think I'm wallowing a bit. I don't know how to do any of this today. I'm not happy. And, thats ok. I'm allowed. I won't stay this way. I'll find the contentedness again. Maybe not the happy, at least not right away. I might need to learn how to BE happy. Hmmm. I think I need to learn that again. Content - that I can do.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Friends
Once a year, I get together for a "girls weekend" with some old friends. Some, I have known since babyhood. Some, since high school. But, we all still stay in touch. I don't think there are many who are this lucky. (Of course, FaceBook makes staying in touch much easier...)
We started doing this weekend away 15 years ago. At that time, it was always a "contest" to guess which one of us was going to be pregnant for the next year's get-a-way. Because with 7 of us, someone always was. For about 10 years.... I don't know the statistics, but out of the 7 of us, someone should be divorced by now too. And, while I almost got to claim that distinction 9 years ago, none of us are. I find this amazing. It speaks to me about the strength, the faith, the commitment of all these women. Now, we were laughing about the fact that very easily within the next 5-10 years we will be playing the guessing game again - about grandchildren! This year, its the start of college plans for some of us, high school for others, and a few with grade-schoolers yet. We've got it ALL covered!
We used to stay up most of the night, catching up, laughing, playing games, watching movies, scrapbooking. And, we still do that. But, for myself anyway - I can say it takes a few more days to catch up than it used to! And, this year I left early. With Paul away, I planned to come home Saturday anyway. I didn't want to leave the kids on their own more than one night. Which worked out well - Paul was able to come home for a night! The first time since January 23rd that we have slept under the same roof. It felt really good. It felt really normal. Then I had to bring him back tonight. That didn't feel very good. Or normal. I haven't cried much about any of this. Which has seemed a little strange to me - I can cry about a tv commercial! But, tonight - its a crying kind of night. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired I guess.
Its good to know I have people I can turn to when I need to rest. People who have known me a long time. People I trust, when I just can't keep going. Oh, we have our "high school" moments. We are human after all! We don't all click all the time. Some of us don't see eye-to-eye about things. We have different ideas about just about everything. But, still, we are friends. We care about each other. We support each other. When it comes right down to it, any one of these women would do whatever it took to be there for any one of us. And, I know that all of us have others in our lives who fulfill this for us as well. We all have lots of other friends. Some of us even have "better" friends. But, like I said in the beginning, we are LUCKY to have each other. To know each other. To be "there" for each other. And I just want to say Thank You to my friends. Ladies, you are wonderful friends. I appreciate each of you so much. I really needed to get out of my life for a bit. And you all made that happen. It might not have been for very long - but it was just enough! My one night this year was just right :)
We started doing this weekend away 15 years ago. At that time, it was always a "contest" to guess which one of us was going to be pregnant for the next year's get-a-way. Because with 7 of us, someone always was. For about 10 years.... I don't know the statistics, but out of the 7 of us, someone should be divorced by now too. And, while I almost got to claim that distinction 9 years ago, none of us are. I find this amazing. It speaks to me about the strength, the faith, the commitment of all these women. Now, we were laughing about the fact that very easily within the next 5-10 years we will be playing the guessing game again - about grandchildren! This year, its the start of college plans for some of us, high school for others, and a few with grade-schoolers yet. We've got it ALL covered!
We used to stay up most of the night, catching up, laughing, playing games, watching movies, scrapbooking. And, we still do that. But, for myself anyway - I can say it takes a few more days to catch up than it used to! And, this year I left early. With Paul away, I planned to come home Saturday anyway. I didn't want to leave the kids on their own more than one night. Which worked out well - Paul was able to come home for a night! The first time since January 23rd that we have slept under the same roof. It felt really good. It felt really normal. Then I had to bring him back tonight. That didn't feel very good. Or normal. I haven't cried much about any of this. Which has seemed a little strange to me - I can cry about a tv commercial! But, tonight - its a crying kind of night. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired I guess.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Faith
Faith: (fayth)
NOUN
1. belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof 2. religion or religious group: a system of religious belief, or the group of people who adhere to it 3. trust in God: belief in and devotion to God 4. set of beliefs: a strongly held set of beliefs or principles 5. loyalty: allegiance or loyalty to somebody or something
[ 13th century. Via Old French feid < Latin fides "trust, belief" ]
How do you define faith? Growing up, I lived in a very "insulated" community. Not just the town where I lived, but the schools I attended. Everyone I knew, I KNEW what they believed, what their "Faith" was (according to 2. of the dictionary definition). And, for the most part everyone knew what my "Faith" was. It was comfortable. It was easy. Witnessing my Faith (3) to others was something I never really did. Oh, I professed what I believed. And, to some degree, I lived what I believed. When it was convenient. College was my first real experience with people who didn't believe the same way I did. Don't get me wrong - I had friends with different church backgrounds than me before that, but for the most part, they all had some sort of church background, a faith. So, college was a turning point. Did the new friends I made see what I believed in how I lived, what I did and said? I am ashamed now to say, probably not. I did not express my faith openly. A very few, who also had some sort of religious background knew, but only a few.
Paul and I met during these years. I believe we were both living "faithlessly" at that time. But God had bigger plans for us. One of the things that was an unexpected surprise; and, I think kept us dating, was the fact that we did come from the same background. Different lives, but the same "insulation". But we weren't living our faith when we started out. Our road together has taken many paths over the years, and many of them haven't been pleasant. Our faith has taken quite a beating during our journey - in EVERY definition of the word. But, here we are. God hasn't lost HIS faith in us. That is amazing to me! If we can and will accept it, His love is free! Our SALVATION is only conditional on our true repentance of our sins and acceptance of His sacrifice. He has taken all those "faithless" years and erased them. I hope you can rest in this knowledge too. I'm done hiding my faith. God has been good to us! We are learning to live our faith like we should have been all along.
Faith shouldn't just be a "word of the day". It needs to be a "word of LIFE".
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Word of the day: Motivation
Motivation is the word I picked for today. What is my Motivation?
I really want to be healthy. In every aspect of my life. How do I do that?? Physically, I am making a good start, a healthy start. I have given up cigarettes - something I have hung onto FIERCELY for more than 20 years. I had plenty of "reasons" for not quiting: I have too much stress right now, I don't really smoke that much, its too hard while Paul smokes, I LIKE it (really?!)... I could probably come up with more, but the truth is all of them are just excuses. I am addicted to them. And, like any addiction, until you decide you CAN'T do it anymore, and WON'T do it anymore, you'll keep doing it. Well, I can't, and won't smoke anymore. Its healthier for me, its healthier for my kids, and since my body is God's temple - its what HE wants for me. Its not easy, its not fun, do I still want a cigarette? Oh YES. Yes, yes, yes. But, each day is a new day. And there are pretty long stretches of each day that I don't even think about smoking.
And now, EXERCISE. Its like a 4-letter word. Except its 8 letters. Which makes it TWICE as bad. I don't like to sweat. I don't want to work at it. I just want to look like I did 20 years ago! (Ok, I'll settle for 10 years ago!) But, you get the picture. I have begun though. Its almost as hard as quiting smoking. Almost. I feel like someone's grandma with my program - walking. For now, its a start. And I am proud of myself for being motivated to do this.
I want my marriage to be healthy too. I think Paul deciding to go to rehab, and me deciding to take a more ACTIVE role in my own life is a good start. I need some help in this area too. Because for too long we have both been just floating along, not really participating. The reasons for that are too many to get into in one post. I plan to use this blog to explore them individually. And, by doing so, shine a light on problems I need to work on, problems Paul needs to work on, and things we can do together to BE together.
Faith. What makes a healthy spiritual life? I think that my prayer life is pretty good, I "pray continually and often". But, the rest? I'm not so sure of. I feel angry and bitter alot. I DO trust that God has a plan for me, in everything that happens in my life. What I DON'T trust is that I am going to recognize that plan. What if I don't follow where He is leading? Obviously, in this sinful world I have followed the wrong path many times. And Bible study? Nope. Don't do it. I know I should. I have in the past. I just never feel like I can choose the "right" one for me. I know. Excuses, excuses. I need to find the motivation to start. It should have been my first "improvement". Its not. I hope I can find the "healthy" in this too though.
So, today I can say my MOTIVATION is health. Healthy life, healthy marriage, healthy Faith. What is your motivation?
I really want to be healthy. In every aspect of my life. How do I do that?? Physically, I am making a good start, a healthy start. I have given up cigarettes - something I have hung onto FIERCELY for more than 20 years. I had plenty of "reasons" for not quiting: I have too much stress right now, I don't really smoke that much, its too hard while Paul smokes, I LIKE it (really?!)... I could probably come up with more, but the truth is all of them are just excuses. I am addicted to them. And, like any addiction, until you decide you CAN'T do it anymore, and WON'T do it anymore, you'll keep doing it. Well, I can't, and won't smoke anymore. Its healthier for me, its healthier for my kids, and since my body is God's temple - its what HE wants for me. Its not easy, its not fun, do I still want a cigarette? Oh YES. Yes, yes, yes. But, each day is a new day. And there are pretty long stretches of each day that I don't even think about smoking.
And now, EXERCISE. Its like a 4-letter word. Except its 8 letters. Which makes it TWICE as bad. I don't like to sweat. I don't want to work at it. I just want to look like I did 20 years ago! (Ok, I'll settle for 10 years ago!) But, you get the picture. I have begun though. Its almost as hard as quiting smoking. Almost. I feel like someone's grandma with my program - walking. For now, its a start. And I am proud of myself for being motivated to do this.
I want my marriage to be healthy too. I think Paul deciding to go to rehab, and me deciding to take a more ACTIVE role in my own life is a good start. I need some help in this area too. Because for too long we have both been just floating along, not really participating. The reasons for that are too many to get into in one post. I plan to use this blog to explore them individually. And, by doing so, shine a light on problems I need to work on, problems Paul needs to work on, and things we can do together to BE together.
Faith. What makes a healthy spiritual life? I think that my prayer life is pretty good, I "pray continually and often". But, the rest? I'm not so sure of. I feel angry and bitter alot. I DO trust that God has a plan for me, in everything that happens in my life. What I DON'T trust is that I am going to recognize that plan. What if I don't follow where He is leading? Obviously, in this sinful world I have followed the wrong path many times. And Bible study? Nope. Don't do it. I know I should. I have in the past. I just never feel like I can choose the "right" one for me. I know. Excuses, excuses. I need to find the motivation to start. It should have been my first "improvement". Its not. I hope I can find the "healthy" in this too though.
So, today I can say my MOTIVATION is health. Healthy life, healthy marriage, healthy Faith. What is your motivation?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A Little (Just a little!) Background
1990. That's when it all started. Paul and I met a few weeks after he graduated from high school. I had just finished my first year of college. Looking back, it seems like just yesterday, and a million years ago. How did we get here from there? That's what I am hoping we can figure out during the next 5 months of our lives.
Flash forward to now. We have been married almost 19 years. And for more than 15 of them, Paul has struggled with alcoholism. And I am co-dependent. He has made the choice to get help for his addiction. And me? I don't quite know where to begin my healing process. Over the years, I have pretty much lost myself. If I am not "managing" him, I am "managing" the kids. And working. In all honesty, I just want to bury myself in my bed and not come out until everything is "normal". (and yes, I know I use quotes too much!) So, on my quest for self improvement, and discovery I am going to write. I also quit smoking. Yes, again. But, this time, I am determined to succeed. I am also <gulp> starting a new lifestyle - including the dreaded EXERCISE!!! I know. SOOOOO not me. But, its gonna be.
So, if you are reading this - bear with me. I am not quite sure what I am doing! I hope to improve the presentation of this blog, I just don't know how :) And, I am going to use it to work through my issues. And, along the way, learn a little about myself and my life. My faith. My kids. My Hubby...
Flash forward to now. We have been married almost 19 years. And for more than 15 of them, Paul has struggled with alcoholism. And I am co-dependent. He has made the choice to get help for his addiction. And me? I don't quite know where to begin my healing process. Over the years, I have pretty much lost myself. If I am not "managing" him, I am "managing" the kids. And working. In all honesty, I just want to bury myself in my bed and not come out until everything is "normal". (and yes, I know I use quotes too much!) So, on my quest for self improvement, and discovery I am going to write. I also quit smoking. Yes, again. But, this time, I am determined to succeed. I am also <gulp> starting a new lifestyle - including the dreaded EXERCISE!!! I know. SOOOOO not me. But, its gonna be.
So, if you are reading this - bear with me. I am not quite sure what I am doing! I hope to improve the presentation of this blog, I just don't know how :) And, I am going to use it to work through my issues. And, along the way, learn a little about myself and my life. My faith. My kids. My Hubby...
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