Rollercoasters and Trains

Oh the things that bump around in your brain at 5am! The dog woke me to go outside early this morning (only because its Saturday, and I SHOULD be able to sleep in!) and after trying to go back to sleep, I am spilling my thoughts instead. I really did try to go back to bed, but just had to get what I was thinking out.

In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.

Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.

At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.

Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)

Word of the day: Motivation

Motivation is the word I picked for today.  What is my Motivation?

I really want to be healthy. In every aspect of my life.  How do I do that?? Physically, I am making a good start, a healthy start.  I have given up cigarettes - something I have hung onto FIERCELY for more than 20 years.  I had plenty of "reasons" for not quiting: I have too much stress right now, I don't really smoke that much, its too hard while Paul smokes, I LIKE it (really?!)... I could probably come up with more, but the truth is all of them are just excuses.  I am addicted to them. And, like any addiction, until you decide you CAN'T do it anymore, and WON'T do it anymore, you'll keep doing it.  Well, I can't, and won't smoke anymore.  Its healthier for me, its healthier for my kids, and since my body is God's temple - its what HE wants for me. Its not easy, its not fun, do I still want a cigarette? Oh YES. Yes, yes, yes. But, each day is a new day. And there are pretty long stretches of each day that I don't even think about smoking.

And now, EXERCISE.  Its like a 4-letter word. Except its 8 letters. Which makes it TWICE as bad.  I don't like to sweat. I don't want to work at it.  I just want to look like I did 20 years ago! (Ok, I'll settle for 10 years ago!) But, you get the picture. I have begun though. Its almost as hard as quiting smoking. Almost. I feel like someone's grandma with my program - walking. For now, its a start. And I am proud of myself for being motivated to do this. 

I want my marriage to be healthy too. I think Paul deciding to go to rehab, and me deciding to take a more ACTIVE role in my own life is a good start.  I need some help in this area too.  Because for too long we have both been just floating along, not really participating.  The reasons for that are too many to get into in one post.  I plan to use this blog to explore them individually.  And, by doing so, shine a light on problems I need to work on, problems Paul needs to work on, and things we can do together to BE together. 

Faith. What makes a healthy spiritual life? I think that my prayer life is pretty good, I "pray continually and often". But, the rest? I'm not so sure of.  I feel angry and bitter alot. I DO trust that God has a plan for me, in everything that happens in my life.  What I DON'T trust is that I am going to recognize that plan. What if I don't follow where He is leading? Obviously, in this sinful world I have followed the wrong path many times.  And Bible study? Nope. Don't do it. I know I should. I have in the past. I just never feel like I can choose the "right" one for me. I know. Excuses, excuses. I need to find the motivation to start. It should have been my first "improvement". Its not. I hope I can find the "healthy" in this too though.

So, today I can say my MOTIVATION is health. Healthy life, healthy marriage, healthy Faith.  What is your motivation?