So, this topic has been floating around in my brain for a while. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do justice tonight, but I wanted to get out some of my thoughts. Certainly, I will revisit this at a later date as well.
Don't you wonder sometimes, how you look through God's eyes? I would like to just glimpse what He sees when he looks at me. How many times I (and I'm sure you too) have heard "God never gives us more than we can handle". And, as many times, I have thought - "Really?! 'Cause I don't think I can handle this, or that..." But He must see more in me than I do. Some strength that I just don't realize is there. And, of course, He's right. Things I never imagined living through, or stuff I would have rather NOT lived through, I have survived. I have suceeded, so to speak. And, without His hand, His guidance, I would not have. It's really bigger than I can get my head around a lot of the time. The human in me never fails to "forget" to give credit where credit is due though. Its a good thing the Father looks past that!
Its not just my life, and my journey that He has a hand on though. This year has been such an awakening for our family. And not just the 6 of us under this roof. I think of the family members who have had to deal with more than they thought possible - good and bad this year. And, some of them, just aren't ready to hear that God is carrying them, that He is NOT giving them too much to bear - because it just hurts so bad, and the burden is SO heavy. Others embrace with grace the trials of life, knowing that HE is with them, they are amazing examples of life lived faithfully. I am learning daily from each of them. And I can see so much more clearly God's workings. While I still question, still doubt, I am learning to just let go. Learning being the key word. I still have so very far to go.
My faith workout is just as important as my physical workout. In fact, its MORE important. Maybe thats why... you don't get stronger without exercise...
God will never give you more than you can handle. Learning it, living it. Every day, every step.
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
What is normal?
Paul is home. I picked him up last night after work. He is still finishing the program, but level 5 can be done from home. After 5 months of him being away, we have some adjusting to do. Its a good thing he has to submit meeting slips 3 times a week while he is on level 5 - just coming home and dealing with "real" life without the crutches he has leaned on for so many years would not have been a good thing. This way, he has support from more than me, the kids, and friends - you can never have too much support! This weekend doesn't have the surreal feeling that I expected his homecoming to have - maybe because he has been home most weekends for the last several months anyway. I think the "work week" will be the biggest change for us. He has had a certain schedule that he has maintained for the months away, and we have our routine each day too. Pray for smooth adjustments for all of us.
I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal". I don't know that I believe this. I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages. And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day. This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink. So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party". These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine. For ME its fine. It might be fine for you. Its not fine for Paul. And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing. I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way. BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him. This is going to change our "normal" social life. And, I'm good with that. We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box. Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either. Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think.
The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work. Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday. We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up! Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine. But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!
A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God. He already has it figured out" on her FB status. This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us. We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.
And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers! I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!
"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!! I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February. Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal. Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore. This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)! EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!! I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears. And you throw in hot-flashes to boot. I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!! I'm not prepared for this yet! I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks... I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, our family has lots of new things to figure out. NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-)
I have been reminded by several friends that there is no such thing as "normal". I don't know that I believe this. I do think normal is different for everyone, and different at different life stages. And, for us, normal has been doing what we need to in order to function each day. This is not going to be "normal" for us anymore. In the last several years, we have done less and less socially - mostly because I just couldn't deal with the drunk Paul at functions where we normally drank. And even functions without it weren't fun because he either got loaded before we went, or was antsy to "get it over with, and get home" because he needed a drink. So, we have lost many friends - and before you say "they weren't really friends, if you lost them over this" - think about it, think about how much of our lives include alcohol as part of the "party". These aren't friends who were pressuring us/him to drink to oblivion. These were people who we socialized with, had fun with, and sometimes had a few drinks with because, thats just what we as a society do. And, for most people, this is just fine. For ME its fine. It might be fine for you. Its not fine for Paul. And, he hates to be the one that people can't drink around. He feels stupid if we are with people who would "normally" have a drink or 2 when we are together and they don't. I view it as a respect thing. I'm not going to chug down a beer in front of him on a hot day just because I may have in the past - 1. I don't NEED to. 2. I think its disrespectful to him. And many, MANY of our friends/family feel the same way. BUT, he would rather not go somewhere than have people change how they would socialize just to be with him. This is going to change our "normal" social life. And, I'm good with that. We just need to find some NEW activities to do, some other ways to get out of our box. Because just staying home all the time is NOT going to be a good thing for us either. Finding our new "normal" is going to be a work in progress I think.
The boys are working a lot this summer too - Zak has finally figured out that if he wants to drive (and DATE) he needs money! And, to get money, you need to work. Devin has always been more willing to work, and he is more of a saver - plus, he watches what Zak does, and sees that if he wants a car when he is 16, he needs to start saving NOW, not just a few months before that big birthday. We are speeding toward that big milestone for Zak - so if any of you has a car they want to get rid of cheap... "Normal" is changing rapidly with the boys right now, and we are just trying to keep up! Dev will be joining Zak in high school in the fall - so we'll be that much busier! At least many of their activities will be together - they will both be on the JV football team this year - first time they will play together, we can't wait for that! And, choir concerts will be the same nights, so at least we can combine that stuff to simplify our routine. But, Liv will be starting middle school too - so we'll have 4 kids in 3 different schools this year - which could cause some logistic problems! But, "normal" for us has always been juggling 6 schedules with 1 driver - so maybe, having 2 (or 3, if Paul is eligible) drivers could be a bonus this year - our NEW "normal"?!
A friend posted something to the effect of "no where in the Bible does it tell you to figure it out, it just says to TRUST God. He already has it figured out" on her FB status. This is something I need to remind myself of continuously - I don't NEED to figure out how to deal with our new "normal" - God already has a plan in place for us. We just need to TRUST that He is going to take us where we need to be.
And now, before you read any further - a WARNING... to my male readers! I'm gonna talk hormones and menopause!! You may want to skip the rest :-) If you are still reading, I am assuming you are a woman, or a man who is in touch with his feminine side - and, c'mon - you all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters etc. who force you to deal with this anyway!
"Normal" is not normal for me anymore - my hormones are going crazy!! I haven't been "regular" in about 8 months - which is SO not normal for me - so I went to the doctor in February. Ok, I am "only" 40 - but, my hormone levels are pre-menopausal. Meaning, I'm not going to be "regular" anymore. This does not necessarily make me unhappy, in fact, it can be happiness inducing (life becomes much simpler...)! EXCEPT, now, I don't know what to expect from my body anymore!! I might go months without a cycle, and then have only 2 weeks in between... This not knowing makes me grumpy, and the fluctuating hormones do NOT make me easy to live with - the stupidest things can set me off, or drive me to tears. And you throw in hot-flashes to boot. I haven't had but a few, and some night sweats - but C'MON!! I'm not prepared for this yet! I feel sorry for my family having to deal with me during all this. But, I guess I deal with teenage angst & girly drama with the kids, paybacks... I know this is "normal" for lots of people, but its a new normal for me - so there is definitely an adjustment!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, our family has lots of new things to figure out. NORMAL, may not happen for a while, but I believe we will find it - or some semblance of it anyway! There IS such a thing as normal - ours may be different from yours, but we'll find our way there eventually:-)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Are you waiting?
We spend a lot of time waiting for something. Right now, I am waiting for pizza to be delivered. Earlier today, I was waiting for my work day to be over. I'm not a very patient person. I don't like to wait. The last few weeks, I have really turned my focus inward, I've really been examining just what makes me tick. I realized that I look too much toward what will be, and tell myself I'm waiting for this or that... I am not very good at enjoying the moment. I have a picture, a vision if you will, of what my life should be - what it WILL be, if I wait long enough. The problem with this is, if all you do is WAIT for something - nothing happens. You'll always be waiting. Waiting for your ship to come in, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for your kids to grow up, waiting, waiting, waiting... Now, I'm not necessarily waiting for all these things - but everyone waits for something. Like I said - I'm waiting for pizza right now. I'm hungry, and impatient. BUT, here it is - mmmm. Sometimes things are better when you have to wait for them.
I'm also waiting for Paul to come home. For him to be better. Thats not really fair to him. To expect that he will be better than he is. He is already the man I love, and have loved for more than 1/2 my lifetime. I shouldn't expect better. I should expect healed (improved maybe?). I think, he is probably waiting to come home too. And wondering if he will be healed enough to come home. Again, we WAIT to find this out.
Throughout all this waiting, we are being taught life's lessons.To have patience. To embrace God's mercy. To humbly come before Him and ask for His help and guidance. (Yes, I was a Calvinette, NOT a GEM...!) And, sometimes you have to wait to hear the answers to prayers. I struggle with these things. I'm not patient. And I'm certainly not humble! And to give everything to God - to turn it over and quit worrying... well, I'm learning that lesson daily :) Its a good thing God is patient with us, and that His mercy is unfailing!
I'm also finding that you don't have to wait alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason. Some people are there only for a season, but others - they are there for the long haul. Through the cold, lonely winters that life inevitably sends our way, the springtimes - with the renewal of spirits. The summers of life - when its easy to BE a friend, and the autumns when harvest is over, and life is looking like its winding down. He puts people in our lives when we NEED them. Our friends are God's hands in our lives - sent by Him to help us wait.
I'm also finding that we don't have to just WAIT. We can do something to pass that time. Sometimes, the things we find to do - become a lifestyle change. I'm hoping that getting MOVING is going to be a good change in my life. I'm hoping that writing all the stuff in my head is going to be a life-long change. But, even if these things are only "seasonal", I'm glad I started them. I have started a devotional at night too. Right now, I am working on Psalm 23. I think God is making me lie down in the green pastures to restore my soul. Sometimes, the waiting is good for us. It makes us take the time out of our busy, crazy lives to just be.
Sorry for the rambling. I'm just typing as it comes to me :) So, are you waiting? What for? Who with? Is it worth the wait? I can't wait for the day when Paul comes home to stay. I bet God feels that way about us too. He can't wait for the day when we come home to stay.
I'm also waiting for Paul to come home. For him to be better. Thats not really fair to him. To expect that he will be better than he is. He is already the man I love, and have loved for more than 1/2 my lifetime. I shouldn't expect better. I should expect healed (improved maybe?). I think, he is probably waiting to come home too. And wondering if he will be healed enough to come home. Again, we WAIT to find this out.
Throughout all this waiting, we are being taught life's lessons.To have patience. To embrace God's mercy. To humbly come before Him and ask for His help and guidance. (Yes, I was a Calvinette, NOT a GEM...!) And, sometimes you have to wait to hear the answers to prayers. I struggle with these things. I'm not patient. And I'm certainly not humble! And to give everything to God - to turn it over and quit worrying... well, I'm learning that lesson daily :) Its a good thing God is patient with us, and that His mercy is unfailing!
I'm also finding that you don't have to wait alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason. Some people are there only for a season, but others - they are there for the long haul. Through the cold, lonely winters that life inevitably sends our way, the springtimes - with the renewal of spirits. The summers of life - when its easy to BE a friend, and the autumns when harvest is over, and life is looking like its winding down. He puts people in our lives when we NEED them. Our friends are God's hands in our lives - sent by Him to help us wait.
I'm also finding that we don't have to just WAIT. We can do something to pass that time. Sometimes, the things we find to do - become a lifestyle change. I'm hoping that getting MOVING is going to be a good change in my life. I'm hoping that writing all the stuff in my head is going to be a life-long change. But, even if these things are only "seasonal", I'm glad I started them. I have started a devotional at night too. Right now, I am working on Psalm 23. I think God is making me lie down in the green pastures to restore my soul. Sometimes, the waiting is good for us. It makes us take the time out of our busy, crazy lives to just be.
Sorry for the rambling. I'm just typing as it comes to me :) So, are you waiting? What for? Who with? Is it worth the wait? I can't wait for the day when Paul comes home to stay. I bet God feels that way about us too. He can't wait for the day when we come home to stay.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Rollercoasters and Trains
Oh the things that bump around in your brain at 5am! The dog woke me to go outside early this morning (only because its Saturday, and I SHOULD be able to sleep in!) and after trying to go back to sleep, I am spilling my thoughts instead. I really did try to go back to bed, but just had to get what I was thinking out.
In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.
Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.
At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.
Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)
In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.
Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.
At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.
Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Faith
Faith: (fayth)
NOUN
1. belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof 2. religion or religious group: a system of religious belief, or the group of people who adhere to it 3. trust in God: belief in and devotion to God 4. set of beliefs: a strongly held set of beliefs or principles 5. loyalty: allegiance or loyalty to somebody or something
[ 13th century. Via Old French feid < Latin fides "trust, belief" ]
How do you define faith? Growing up, I lived in a very "insulated" community. Not just the town where I lived, but the schools I attended. Everyone I knew, I KNEW what they believed, what their "Faith" was (according to 2. of the dictionary definition). And, for the most part everyone knew what my "Faith" was. It was comfortable. It was easy. Witnessing my Faith (3) to others was something I never really did. Oh, I professed what I believed. And, to some degree, I lived what I believed. When it was convenient. College was my first real experience with people who didn't believe the same way I did. Don't get me wrong - I had friends with different church backgrounds than me before that, but for the most part, they all had some sort of church background, a faith. So, college was a turning point. Did the new friends I made see what I believed in how I lived, what I did and said? I am ashamed now to say, probably not. I did not express my faith openly. A very few, who also had some sort of religious background knew, but only a few.
Paul and I met during these years. I believe we were both living "faithlessly" at that time. But God had bigger plans for us. One of the things that was an unexpected surprise; and, I think kept us dating, was the fact that we did come from the same background. Different lives, but the same "insulation". But we weren't living our faith when we started out. Our road together has taken many paths over the years, and many of them haven't been pleasant. Our faith has taken quite a beating during our journey - in EVERY definition of the word. But, here we are. God hasn't lost HIS faith in us. That is amazing to me! If we can and will accept it, His love is free! Our SALVATION is only conditional on our true repentance of our sins and acceptance of His sacrifice. He has taken all those "faithless" years and erased them. I hope you can rest in this knowledge too. I'm done hiding my faith. God has been good to us! We are learning to live our faith like we should have been all along.
Faith shouldn't just be a "word of the day". It needs to be a "word of LIFE".
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