Memories

Christmas time is here... Actually, its been here and gone.  And with it come the memories.  The dating years, where we tried to go to all the parties that were on the same days.  The first married years with the real Christmas trees and the beginning of the ornament collection and the angel tree topper.  The year we had to tie the tree in the corner of the room because it kept tipping over... First Christmases, pictures of the kids by the trees each year, silly faces with mustaches, pj's and bed head, new socks and underwear every year... Decorating the top half of the tree only because Zak took all the ornaments he could reach off the tree (and then the cat doing the same thing last year!).  Good memories of good times.

Of course, there are bad memories too.  Funny thing is, they aren't even so bad now.  The ruined corn pudding because the casserole dish broke.  Going to family parties alone the year we were separated. Paul's surgery a few days before Christmas.  Even these not-so-happy memories are so important! They make the little, not-so-important ones bigger, better, happier.

I remember the year we didn't know how we were going to HAVE Christmas for the boys.  And Debbie bought toys, pj's, boots for them. Made Christmas for them.  And this year, my kids made Christmas for me.  Each of them gave me something special - their love.  Yes, they all gave gifts.  I received a new tweezer from Elaina because she remembered that she gave me one a year ago and its gone now.  I got a coffee mug for a "dog mom" cause the kids know how much of a "kid" Lulu is to me - along with my favorite flavor of coffee. They gave me "A" and "P" to hang on the wall of my room because they know how hard this year is for me and each wrote me a note to go along with it.  Their hearts were on those notes, stuffed in the infinity heart box they gave.  These are the things that I will treasure and remember about this Christmas.  Its not about the THINGS.  But the things do remind us.

There are some special ornaments on the tree this year.  Ornaments that will help us remember every year.  Not the same ornaments.  Not the same angel. But new memories.  Memories of a new baby's first Christmas. Memories of a new first-Christmas-in-our-new-house. Missing those who are gone, never forgotten. 

Change is a good thing. Most of the time.

Wow. its been a while.  I feel like I am just being pushed along on the edge of a wave and can't control where it brings me.  We have been constantly surrounded by loved ones, by people who want to help, by people who are, frankly, just nosey.  98% of what we have experienced since the fire has been good and positive.  So those are the things I focus on. That other 2%, ffttt. Not interested.  I've got way better things to spend my time and energy on.  

We have a new-to-us home.  A house that was built with loving hands to shelter a growing family.  A house that was built to make memories in.  I was privileged to see an album made for Gary and Diane by their children to remind them of all this house holds for them.  I have a lot to live up to.  I want this house to be our shelter in the storm. Our refuge in times of trial.  I want to make memories here that will sustain and nurture us when times aren't easy. And life is like that - sends us things that are not easy. Things that are actually really hard.  Each day is new, and each day is different.  Some days I can almost forget that I can never again come home from work and embrace my husband and ask how his day was.  I want to do that so badly! But, some days I almost forget how it used to be.  Almost.  Some days every song I hear is sung in his voice.  This is a good day! I loved listening to him. Some days though, all that singing just reminds me once again that I'm never going to see him enjoying that song anymore.   Today I was reminded that Paul truly lives on in our children.  Zak and Dev joined Caleb and several other men from church to sing the song "Courageous" by Casting Crowns.  When Zak began singing Paul's voice came out of him.  It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was so bittersweet. When he was alive, the boys just couldn't get up there and "perform".  We tried. We pushed. They just didn't want to.  Now that he's gone, I think he must be encouraging them from Heaven.  Praying for strength for them from that most Holy place.  Because they did it. And he would have been so proud! I'm proud of them.  Certainly not ONLY because of the strength it took to get up there this morning, but because of the men they have become in SUCH a short time.  

Zak has so many adult decisions to make right now.  He's going to be a dad.  Soon. And its hard to learn how to be a dad when your own is not here to help.  He chose not to play football this year.  My heart is broken.  Not so much because he isn't playing - I respect his reasons for it, but because it is such a tangible sign that for him, childhood is over. I wish he would play.  Paul would want him to play.  There are so many, many people who would love to help out with the baby if that was needed so that he could have this small part of being a teenager yet. But, what I think isn't always right either. So, maybe this is the best choice for him right now.  Going into that stadium yesterday and knowing he wouldn't be on that field this year was like a knife in my heart.  

Dev IS playing football this year. And I will go to the games and watch them for Paul too.  And we will invite his team over before the home games for meals and hang out time.  Something we could not have done at our old place (too far away).  I will get to know these boys better, and cheer louder because of it!  Dev is starting to come out of himself just a little.  My quiet clown.  My tender-hearted boy.  He is so good with Laine - to the point of playing dolls with her.  He is a good big brother.  He has broad shoulders now, great for sisters' tears when they come.  

The girls are quiet about their feelings most of the time.  I worry that they aren't letting themselves grieve.  We've been very busy this summer and its easy to push it down, push it back and not deal with it.  But life never slows down.  Besides football, we have the baby due anytime, Liv starting volleyball, and Laine going into a new grade without her side-kick Naomi (they will be in separate classrooms).  

And me, I just cry for no reason sometimes, and laugh when I shouldn't.  I'm ok. And I'm going to get more ok.  We still covet your prayers.  THAT is what is getting us through.  We have been very blessed by housewarming gifts, money, and help with the yard and meals.  I can't imagine living anywhere else.  Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, but its all I have.  Friends, Family, Forever. Our lives changed that day.  And they changed again when you opened your arms and held us close. You will forever be appreciated and in our prayers always.

So much new...

So, I think there is enough going on!  My suburban has been restored to better-than-before condition thanks to Bill's Village Auto, Rite-Way Body Shop, Advantage Auto Glass, LKQ, and Wayland Parts Plus and the amazing people at all these places.  If you need anything car related - go see them!  Zak will probably take it over soon - 4 doors are so much easier than 2 with the rear facing car seats:)  I found a new-to-me new car too - little smaller but we can still all fit in it if we have to, and I can still use the suburban if I need to. Dev is in the home stretch of drivers training.... in a year I will have another baby on the roads without me! Time goes so fast.... Liv has finished up dance competition season for the year, loved watching her and her friends!  Elaina had a field trip yesterday to Home Depot and one of the Wyoming fire departments and another coming up on Wednesday to Camp Manitou-Lin.  Choir concerts, graduations, dance recital... all the end of the school year stuff:)

On top of that, we bought a new house! Our plan was to build on our property - we have so many wonderful memories of good times there.  But, the process of building is daunting.  And I have such a hard time making decisions without Paul...  He was the expert in that stuff.  He was the one who would have LOVED building a home for us all to share.  And, yes, he would have loved that we were doing it, but I just couldn't face that aloneness every time a decision needed to be made. Even the small stuff like cabinet hardware... just didn't want to think about it.  So, I decided to just look at a couple places in Hopkins.  Just get an idea. There were actually 4 that we wanted to see.  1 ended up being taken off the market, and 1 had an accepted offer which left us with 2.  The first one felt too big the minute we walked in.  It was lovely, and would have been a great home for us, but the house itself was too much for me. And the property had lots of growing things.  I don't do growing things.  I love them, but tend to neglect them so LOTS of them are not for me!  The minute we walked into the second house I felt like I was coming home.  It was comfortable, the size was right, the yard wasn't as large as the first.... I WANTED that house.

The next step was figuring out if I could manage it on one income.  Paul and I had talked about that before - especially after his back surgery. Cutting some of the "fat" out of our lifestyle could make it doable.  And through the kindness of so, so many people, I had enough money to put 20% down which makes the mortgage more appealing than existing one.  We decided to submit an offer.  They countered, and we re countered.  And they accepted! A bittersweet acceptance for them I think.  They built the house in 75 and have lived there ever since.  Raised their boys there.  All the holidays, all the special times.... its hard to make a change after that.  I am so thankful they did! The love from their family has made that house what it is, and its why I felt like I was home when I walked in that front door.  Your home is where your family is. They are building a new home right by one of their sons and his family.  They will make that home what it is: a place filled with the love of the family that surrounds them.  And we will make this new home our place to love each other, to care for each other.

But there will always be someone missing.  And no matter how well we keep him in our hearts he's never going to give us hugs or tickle our bellys or rub our backs and sore feet again. We will miss him forever.  The  grief will lessen, the pain won't hurt as bad, but we will never forget how our family was when it was whole.
We get a fresh start at this new house.  New everything.  We went registering today at Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  Bedding picked out for each of us.  Towels and accessories for each of the 3 bathrooms. Dishes and "party ware", along with some fun kids stuff... We made it through about a 3rd of the store.  Another trip  or 2 is in order to round out the rest of what is needed.  The problem is we need it ALL.  I'm doing the registry because my aunts, sister, and some friends want to throw a house-warming shower. People keep asking what they can do.  My answer is keep praying! That is more important than anything we can "ask" for, more important than the stuff! This move is going to be good for us.  But we are still sad about it.


I wonder sometimes, if, through the years of not-so-good times (when I left) some of the thoughts from back then have come back to guilt me up pretty good.  I never, NEVER wanted Paul to die, but sometimes I just felt like my life would be so much simpler if he wasn't around. But now, I'm feeling so much guilt over those thoughts:( Like maybe God is saying "Amy, you thought it would be easier? You thought it would be simpler?? Let me show you what you "wished" for all those times.... Not so great, huh?"  So much God-driven amazing things have been happening the last 6 weeks, and yet, I still feel like I'm being punished. For not being the wife Paul wanted, for not appreciating what I had, for thinking I could do this by myself all those times.  It weighs on me so bad sometimes that I don't even want to get out of bed.  But I do.  I get up, I get ready, I help kids get up and get ready, and I go on.

And then the nights come and I am hit with the hugeness of it all again.  And I relive it all again.  That night comes back to me every night.  WHAT could I have done differently?? HOW could I have gotten him out as well?? And the sounds... even a rainy night, that used to bring so much comfort (loved them!) now just sounds like the sounds a fire makes. I hear him calling out in my head, and I cry about how he died.   WHY like that??  Yes, I am a smoker too.  That fire was just as much on me as it was on him.  We don't know exactly how it started, but I am pretty sure that's it.  So, did I kill him? Was it my fault?/I live with this every day. Fire is my worst nightmare.  Even before this I laid awake nights worrying what we would do, how would we get everyone out if there was a fire.  Thankfully, when the nightmare became my reality, 3 of my precious ones were not at home.  And no one else's precious ones were spending the night.  And I still couldn't get all of us out.  The last sounds he made will be forever burned into my brain, just like that fire burned away our life together.

I don't want to walk on the football field for parent's night alone.  I don't want to watch our children graduate without him beside me.  And weddings.... imagining them without him is too much to bear.He won't get to walk his daughters down that aisle, or with me, give them to their new husbands.  He'll never get to met his first grandson, who will be named after him.  This  year of "firsts" doesn't even come close to the firsts that are to come.

Memorial Day is in a few days.  Not seeing him on that tractor with Andy is going to tear me up inside.  And while he is not one of the servicemen who have passed and are being honored, we will remember him.

I miss you my love. Every minute, Every day.  I love you, forever.

Anniversaries

Some days are easier to celebrate than others.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of when I started my job. When I look back at that time in my life, I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today.  I had lost my job at the jewelry store, I was separated from my husband, and had 3 kids depending on me.  Paul and I always said during that time that no matter what, our kids came first.  The issues we faced were OURS , not theirs.  We never wanted them to feel like they were in the middle of our battles.  And, really, compared to some, we never really had "battles".  

Back then, we weren't good together.  We weren't good TO each other.  That year of separation taught us both so many things about ourselves and about each other.  I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it - there is NOTHING a marriage can't survive if both spouses put God first, and BOTH sincerely want to stay together.  Its not easy.  It wasn't easy.  Even after deciding that we wanted to make our marriage a success we still hurt each other.  But we learned to forgive better.  To forget more.  To let God take control. And since that time, even with the addiction struggles and the financial worries we've had good years.  We were blessed with another child. We bought our first land/home. Paul found his way at the Elevator. We discovered a wonderful extended family in our church home. The kids are flourishing at Hopkins.  He overcame the demon riding his back for so very long. So many memories. So much to be thankful for.  So much to miss. 

Last year I celebrated our anniversary alone because Paul was at the Salvation Army.  Becoming the man I knew I married...  This year, I celebrated our 20th anniversary alone too.  This time, because he is blazing the trail for me.  Waiting for me.  Firemen from church sifted through the ashes of our lifetime together, and found my wedding rings on that anniversary.  I know he is celebrating in his Heavenly home.  I know the pain I feel is my own sadness and loss.  I do not grieve for him.  He dwells with the Father now.  I grieve for the anniversaries to come.  Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays that we will spend missing him.

10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a single, divorced parent.  God knew better and I am so thankful he had a different path for us!! I am in a much better place than I was back then.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically.  I see that I needed these last 10 years to be able to get through what is now and to come.  I wasn't ready to be alone then.  I'm not ready now - but I'm better EQUIPPED to be alone, ready or not.

We always kind of joked that I was better as a working mom.  Being home with the kids wasn't something I was "good" at. I have to say, with the changes at the Elevator/Farm we were looking at a longer range goal of my working part-time.  And now, as I celebrate working FULL-time for 10 years at Arvron, I'm glad I'm where I am.  I like my job.  I enjoy the people I work with.  I am celebrating. God is good. All the time.  

Flood day!

So, after a winter too full of snow days (the kids are making up a few in June) today we had a "flood day".  A very NECESSARY flood day - our little town spent a lot of time underwater today! As I looked at the pictures via facebook from just about everyone I know in town, and the help that was being given and received, I was reassured that we are right where God wants us to be.  Our town is amazing.  Today's real life flood only illustrates the flood of support we have received from everyone around us. 

I don't really feel like blogging tonight.  What I really want to do is go to bed early. Zak isn't home yet, Elaina is in bed and the other 2 are doing their own things.  I think I was lead to blog tonight (I felt like it all came together in the right way anyway).  Its been a few days since the last one, and things have calmed down some... we were starting to get into our new normal routine... and then the gift of a day off. A day just spent together. For the most part anyway.  Liv had an ortho appointment so she and I went out after lunch for that, and then she went shopping with a friend.  Zak went to Brit's for supper and the rest of us ate leftovers.  It was a quiet day, and the memories have been flying at me all evening. 

I think its because of a community in need.  Paul would NOT have been happy to deal with all the water and flooding at work today, but - he would have been the first to lend a hand and help our town through this.  A day like today would have been so "him".  Grumpy on the outside, loving and willing heart on the inside. I was afraid to let the boys go into town to help today.  Not sure of the roads on their way to town.  So I kept them home.  One of the things I need to learn to let go of.  Paul would have let them go.  He would have gone with them! My mother's heart doesn't want them to grow up, to be big enough to do that on their own.  To be able to make those kinds of decisions.  Especially now.

I'm tired tonight. And sad. And feeling kind of down.  I didn't feel this way all day, its just kind of snuck up on me in the last hour or so.  I've been expecting days/moments like this.  Until now, even through the grief I've felt really uplifted and if not positive, at least not negative.  I'm a little negative tonight.  Even KNOWING God's got this, I mean, my wedding rings were found on my anniversary!! If that's not His way of telling me its all gonna be ok, I don't know what is.  But tonight is a down night. I think I heard Zak's car, I'm going to bed.  Maybe I was supposed to write all this "whine" tonight so that you all know I'm no saint in this! I've had so many people tell me how "amazing my strength is" and "what a testament" I am.  I want this to mean something and I'm glad they see that in me.  But I am human.  I am lonely.  This is real life. And tonight it really sucks.

One of many firsts...

My first night alone, just me and the kids.  It’s a strange feeling.  I’m tired but don’t want to go to sleep.  And, it’s weird to be blogging from my bed, in a nest of pillows, covered in a new, “musical” designed blanket.  A wonderful mom from Sycamore made “tied” blankets for each of us – mine is black with rainbow music notes and symbols.  I love it.  It’s like Paul keeping me in his arms for the night.

 

While my mind doesn’t go back to that night as often as it did the first few days, I do think of it often.  The colors, sounds, smells haunt me. Zak said he doesn’t remember me waking him or leaving the house.  I wish I could erase the whole night from his mind.  I wish I could erase it from mine.

 

We went to the house yesterday. It was so much worse than I could have imagined. And so much better too.  Hard to describe.  I take my rings off before bed at night – my fingers swell and it makes me claustrophobic to wear them to bed.  So, my wedding ring was lost in the fire.  It really is the one thing I hope we can still find (we didn’t yesterday).  However, we did find some memento jewelry that I am hoping can be cleaned up and made wearable again – like the first ring Paul ever gave me, and the onyx ring from his Grandpa Durian. The firemen from church who took several hours out of their Saturdays for us were amazing, and have expressed a desire to go back and continue looking for my rings.  While I would be joyful to have them, they are only a symbol – the one thing I would want back can never be.  And really, when I think about the paradise he is in, I really, REALLY wouldn’t want him to give that up to be back here.  No matter how much I miss him.

 

John 14:1-4 says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” This was the passage that was on the programs at the memorial service.  When the men from church got to the house yesterday (a little before us) they said a prayer and went in and out of the area they were going to search several times.  One of the things that they had talked about was how cool it would be to find a bible in all that black, burned destruction.  About the 3^rd time they went to a certain area in our basement, a spot they had already looked at, they noticed something white.  When they went over to check it out, IT WAS PAUL’S BIBLE. The edges were blackened, but it was laying open to this same passage. This is so much bigger than finding my wedding rings! The pages are white, readable, and the whole book is basically intact. How amazing! How wonderful! How God-filled! I believe this must have been the last passage Paul read in that bible. I believe he is in the Father’s house now. My heart is breaking. Every day I ache to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  But my Lord is preparing a place for me too.

We also were excited to find that both of my cedar chests – the one Paul gave me and the one my dad Phil built for me, while blackened and burnt, protected everything inside them.  I have some special mementos left which was a welcome surprise.  After driving up that driveway and seeing the complete destruction of our home, these little things were a blessing!  There was also a box of baby clothes the kids had just received for the new little grandson on the way that were completely fine – just wet. Aunt Lisa washed them all and they look like new. 

Silly little things really. But little bits of hope that out of this wreckage something good will come.  I believe this.  I have to believe this.  God Bless my friends! I love you all!

How do I title something I never expected to write??

I wrote this several days ago, 4.9.13 actually.  Shortly after we planned Paul's memorial service.  Until I get internet service and can get online via someway other than my phone, my blogging will be sporadic at best.  Know that its something I HAVE to do.  I've learned over the last year that my way of working through things is by writing.  I love you all so much, and just want to remind you all to TELL each other.  Every day, every parting.  I can never tell Paul again, but I did tell him before I went to bed and I tell my kids several times a day.  We are holding tight to each other and missing him in a way no one can imagine.  But each day is new.  Each day we are together.  Each day we love.  

 

From April 9, 2013:

The last few days as we struggle to find our way in this new world we find ourselves in our only hope and strength comes from God.  In the small things and in the bigger things.  Discovering he had clothing left at the mill – so we have some physical thing to hang onto after the loss of all, the overwhelming, tremendous flow of love and supplies from friends, family and even those we don’t know… God is there.   Yes, we are devastated.  Yes, we are grieving.  BUT – these are our human, sinful frailties... We rejoice, we celebrate too.  These things are GOD things. I am struggling with the why of it all, but I do know that God has a reason for everything.  And HE knows every single thing that is going to happen to us in our lives even before we are born.  So, HE knew this was going to happen, and HE knows why this happened.  Someway, somehow I know that there is going to be good from this.  HE is going to make this good.

 

We’ve spent some time Sunday going over the service and how to celebrate someone who HATED being the center of “stupid” parties.  Birthdays were “just another day” to him – he could never understand why age was a big deal.  Of course, he never felt older than 18… in his mind anyway!  We couldn’t have any memorial for him without music.  Other than the kids, music was the thing he loved the most.  Any and all music.  My very first thought was that I wanted every single musician who ever played with him to join in.  But we would have been there for days….  So, we have a plan – and by the time this is read it will have already happenedJ

 

Instead, at some later date, probably this summer – I plan to have a large jam session at the music barn.  I want everyone to bring their axe and their memories and we will play long and loud enough for him to hear us in heaven!  Here’s the thing though, many of you who were in bands with him asked him to leave for a reason.  He has struggled with his addiction for a majority of his adult life.  The last year has been a gift for us.  Olivia expressed to me that she was finally getting to know the real him – and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t have enough time.  So I’m gonna just say it blunt: there is NEVER ENOUGH TIME.  Lots of you share Paul’s addiction.  You may think you are functioning just fine, that it isn’t affecting anyone but you.  You’re wrong.   The people who love you are dying for you to STOP. To get to know the real you.  Let them before it’s too late. There is no alcohol allowed at the music barn.  So, if you come there with it, or already drunk I’m gonna ask you to leave.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink – I even like a little buzz once in a while. But this is to celebrate Paul – and it was a long time comin’ for him to get sober and mean it.  You all didn’t like him when he was drunk, I didn’t like him when he was drunk.  We don’t like YOU when you’re drunk either. Ask for some help if you need to, but change. Your. Life. Now.   Before you don’t have the chance.

 

I have the complete assurance that my love is home in heaven with his heavenly father.  Paul’s faith is something that he has never hidden.  Run from sometimes, but never hidden.  NO ONE is perfect.  We all have those things in our lives.  The hidden and not so hidden sins.  The beauty of the saviors grace is that it is here for each and every one of us if we just ask.  There is nothing too big for our God. Repent. Receive. And accept Jesus Christ into your life.  I am going to see my husband again.  He is waiting for me. He is waiting for you.  I want to know that each and every one of you will be joining us in paradise.  I’m probably pissing some of you off.  Who am I to point the finger, right?? I am not judging – I am pleading because I want this awful, senseless, tragic death to mean something.  I want someone to be saved because Paul died. I want God to be praised because HE is good.  All the time.

 

 

choices

over the course of the last year I've blogged about a lot of stuff. I've tried to keep to our life - the "now" of it and some of what has brought us to this place. my intention when i started this was to take a look back and explore how some of the choices I've made in my life have made me who i am. but with each post, my mind has tended to bring me in various other directions.  this is ok with me -  one of the reasons i started this was for the therapeutic quality of it as well. sometimes just writing whatever floats to the surface is a good way to deal with crap and move beyond it. 

so when i reflect on the last year, and look over some past postings i am drawn into "choices"  as a topic.  when you get honest  about stuff, we all take a look back sometimes and wonder what if? what if i had worked harder in school? what if i had chosen a different course of study in college? what if i moved out of the house earlier? and then we get into the tougher questions - what if i had married someone different? what if...? we ALL ask ourselves these things at some point in our lives, we're human after all. i know i second guess myself almost daily - usually about pretty mundane stuff, but i do question my choices. 

 when i think about the biggest choices in my life, i remember that (yes, sometimes a worn out phrase works!) hindsight is 20/20. most likely, the girl i was would have made the same choices again and again. and really - if i hadn't made those choices i wouldn't be who i am or have the life i do! or the kids i do!  back to the future is one of my favorite movies. we have watched it many, many times over the years and I'm always reminded that we can't, shouldn't change the past. it shapes the present and builds the future. as Doc says, the future is whatever you make of it. i don't need to know what it holds, i just need to trust that God is taking me down the road i am meant to be on. 

i am content with the path my choices have led me to. yes, i look back and cringe about some of those choices... (c'mon who wouldn't cringe about a poodle perm!) but mostly i am just grateful God carried me through and brought me here. make good choices. make GOD choices.

New year, New challenges

January is rapidly coming to a close. The past couple of weeks have brought some interesting changes to our lives. Some of this journey is not just ours but belongs to some of our extended family, so it's not mine to share. I ask that you pray for God's loving hand and guidance without knowing those specifics. He knows.

Paul and his brother, along with some of their cousins are in the process of taking over general operations of the family business with the future intention of buying their parents out. This is a huge step and we are all looking forward to the challenges and rewards this is going to bring into our lives.  Guess it's time for us to finally grow up :)

And speaking of growing up, we ask for prayers of strength and wisdom for us and Zak and his girlfriend. Many of you already know, but for some this is fresh news - we are going to become grandparents this summer. We have known for a couple weeks and have been grieving for their loss of childhood, and our plans for their futures.  We, and they, have an amazing support system full of loving family and friends.  Our big challenge right now is making sure they have the tools they need for parenthood while they are still kids themselves.  And, making sure that they finish high school. Both us and Brittany' s parents have strong church families that  we can lean on and we are so very thankful for that! They also have some awesome role models within our own families and churches to ask advise and counsel from.  We really covet your prayers for them, us, and their brothers and sisters as we travel this new road together.

So, all in all, not the "new" year we anticipated. After last year, we were hoping and praying for a year of grace and renewal. But God' s timing is not ours, and while we would not wish for this start to parenthood, and grandparenthood, He knows the plan He has for us, and we trust Him always.  And the grace and renewal we anticipated may be all the better for this additional challenge.  I wonder so often what is in store for us - the strength God is growing in us through all these trials just must be in anticipation of something amazing! 

Our love to you, friends - I thank God for all of you daily:)

reflections

Before I even get going on this, I apologize for and spelling and/or grammar errors. I am posting from my kindle, and the keypad is more of a challenge than my computer keyboard:) As a follow-up to my previous post, I wanted to share some of my thoughts and some highlights from our round of holiday celebrations. 

We have a lot of parties - starting at Thanksgiving, and, this year anyway, extending through tomorrow.  Most years I enter this season of celebration in a less than celebratory mood. The obligation to be at all these functions is overwhelming with work, church, school, and other normal life activities. This year, I have been determined to enjoy each thing as it comes. And, for the most part, I think I have succeeded with that. We have certainly had our harried moments. But each gathering has served to remind me how truly blessed we are. We have a large, loving, fun extended family - on both sides, that we are lucky to be able to spend time with. We have jobs at places filled with people who care about us and our lives. Our kids go to schools with teachers who give so much of themselves to their classes and community. All 6 of us have been healthy this year... We have enjoyed some amazing Christmas celebrations at our church and others. 

Last night was a very low key New Years for us. Over the years, we have run the gamut of parties. The bar scene, the crazy parties with friends, our OWN crazy parties, having friends with young families over for early nights... part (a small part!) of me really missed the hyper, get buzzed on a few drinks, parties of the past - I can't deny that. But most of me loved our quiet, movies on the couch celebration from last night. Our lives are not the same anymore. And some things may never be revisited. That's ok. But the loss of our "misspent youth" is still bittersweet. You've gotta grow up sometime I guess!

It wasn't an easy Christmas for us. We mourned a lost loved one. We missed family who couldn't make it to Michigan this year. We ached for sick loved ones. We struggled with normal coping mechanisms that are no longer crutches. But through all of this, there was more of a joy and peace than we have had in a very long time. God's grace rains down!! He has given me the will to make changes in my life. Do I push back and argue about what He asks of me? Of  course! Change is hard and it hurts. But it also soothes and comforts. It's been a good year. The hard road seems to be the path we must travel, but we don't travel it alone. Thank you for all your prayers and support this past year - we have felt your love surrounding us and lifting us up. We are blessed by each of you, and wish you all God's blessings on this new year!