One of many firsts...

My first night alone, just me and the kids.  It’s a strange feeling.  I’m tired but don’t want to go to sleep.  And, it’s weird to be blogging from my bed, in a nest of pillows, covered in a new, “musical” designed blanket.  A wonderful mom from Sycamore made “tied” blankets for each of us – mine is black with rainbow music notes and symbols.  I love it.  It’s like Paul keeping me in his arms for the night.

 

While my mind doesn’t go back to that night as often as it did the first few days, I do think of it often.  The colors, sounds, smells haunt me. Zak said he doesn’t remember me waking him or leaving the house.  I wish I could erase the whole night from his mind.  I wish I could erase it from mine.

 

We went to the house yesterday. It was so much worse than I could have imagined. And so much better too.  Hard to describe.  I take my rings off before bed at night – my fingers swell and it makes me claustrophobic to wear them to bed.  So, my wedding ring was lost in the fire.  It really is the one thing I hope we can still find (we didn’t yesterday).  However, we did find some memento jewelry that I am hoping can be cleaned up and made wearable again – like the first ring Paul ever gave me, and the onyx ring from his Grandpa Durian. The firemen from church who took several hours out of their Saturdays for us were amazing, and have expressed a desire to go back and continue looking for my rings.  While I would be joyful to have them, they are only a symbol – the one thing I would want back can never be.  And really, when I think about the paradise he is in, I really, REALLY wouldn’t want him to give that up to be back here.  No matter how much I miss him.

 

John 14:1-4 says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” This was the passage that was on the programs at the memorial service.  When the men from church got to the house yesterday (a little before us) they said a prayer and went in and out of the area they were going to search several times.  One of the things that they had talked about was how cool it would be to find a bible in all that black, burned destruction.  About the 3^rd time they went to a certain area in our basement, a spot they had already looked at, they noticed something white.  When they went over to check it out, IT WAS PAUL’S BIBLE. The edges were blackened, but it was laying open to this same passage. This is so much bigger than finding my wedding rings! The pages are white, readable, and the whole book is basically intact. How amazing! How wonderful! How God-filled! I believe this must have been the last passage Paul read in that bible. I believe he is in the Father’s house now. My heart is breaking. Every day I ache to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  But my Lord is preparing a place for me too.

We also were excited to find that both of my cedar chests – the one Paul gave me and the one my dad Phil built for me, while blackened and burnt, protected everything inside them.  I have some special mementos left which was a welcome surprise.  After driving up that driveway and seeing the complete destruction of our home, these little things were a blessing!  There was also a box of baby clothes the kids had just received for the new little grandson on the way that were completely fine – just wet. Aunt Lisa washed them all and they look like new. 

Silly little things really. But little bits of hope that out of this wreckage something good will come.  I believe this.  I have to believe this.  God Bless my friends! I love you all!