Faith

Faith: (fayth)

NOUN 

1. belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof 2. religion or religious group: a system of religious belief, or the group of people who adhere to it 3. trust in God: belief in and devotion to God 4. set of beliefs: a strongly held set of beliefs or principles 5. loyalty: allegiance or loyalty to somebody or something

[ 13th century. Via Old French feid < Latin fides "trust, belief" ]

How do you define faith? Growing up, I lived in a very "insulated" community. Not just the town where I lived, but the schools I attended.  Everyone I knew, I KNEW what they believed, what their "Faith" was (according to 2. of the dictionary definition). And, for the most part everyone knew what my "Faith" was.  It was comfortable. It was easy. Witnessing my Faith (3) to others was something I never really did. Oh, I professed what I believed. And, to some degree, I lived what I believed. When it was convenient. College was my first real experience with people who didn't believe the same way I did. Don't get me wrong - I had friends with different church backgrounds than me before that, but for the most part, they all had some sort of church background, a faith. So, college was a turning point. Did the new friends I made see what I believed in how I lived, what I did and said? I am ashamed now to say, probably not. I did not express my faith openly. A very few, who also had some sort of religious background knew, but only a few.

Paul and I met during these years. I believe we were both living "faithlessly" at that time. But God had bigger plans for us. One of the things that was an unexpected surprise; and, I think kept us dating, was the fact that we did come from the same background. Different lives, but the same "insulation". But we weren't living our faith when we started out. Our road together has taken many paths over the years, and many of them haven't been pleasant. Our faith has taken quite a beating during our journey - in EVERY definition of the word. But, here we are. God hasn't lost HIS faith in us. That is amazing to me! If we can and will accept it, His love is free! Our SALVATION is only conditional on our true repentance of our sins and acceptance of His sacrifice. He has taken all those "faithless" years and erased them. I hope you can rest in this knowledge too. I'm done hiding my faith. God has been good to us!  We are learning to live our faith like we should have been all along.

Faith shouldn't just be a "word of the day". It needs to be a "word of LIFE".

Busy week

Its looking like a busy week.  Sunday started it all with Paul being able to spend several hours home with us - but driving to GR and back twice in one day fills up alot of time! (NOT complaining!!) Yesterday was our normal Monday, with play practice for Zak thrown in. Today was "dance Tuesday", with the addition of the middle school choir concert. Tomorrow I get to start the process of getting another child ready for high school (am I really this old?!). I think Thursday is free though - woo hoo, think I love Thursday :) Friday the kids don't have school... again. But, Saturday, Saturday... Lisa and I are taking the girlies on a hotel weekend, with a dance competition for Liv on Sunday.  We haven't done a weekend with just us girls, in... well, ever! REALLY looking forward to it.

And, thats all I got tonight! Paul thought maybe he would get a chance to call, but its after 10, and we agreed that I wouldn't expect to hear from him after that. So, I'm goin' to bed! Gonna pray that his week is full, busy, and rewarding, and that he knows I am holding his hand in spirit! If any of you are interested in going to church services with him Sunday, or want to spend a couple hours with him - LET ME KNOW - I won't be around this weekend, so he could use some company...

Exercise

This is for those of you who have asked what fitness program/exercise/workout etc I am doing.  I joined Team Beachbody and these are from my blog on the website:

From 2.20.12:

Today is the last day I am going to be unhappy with myself.  Committing to exercise is a big deal for me.  I have never enjoyed it, and honestly - am not looking forward to it now! But, I need to do this.  And not just exercise.  I need to change lots of things about how I live my life.  But, 1 thing at a time :) So, today is the last day of this part of my life.
Tomorrow, February 21, 2012, when I get up in the morning. I am going to be a new person. I am going to live a new life. A better life. A more fit life. A healthy life. For my kids. For my husband. But, mostly, FOR ME.
I can't promise I won't slack off. But I CAN promise that if I do, I'll get right back to it, and keep coming back.  I'm hoping I'll find some help, some support through this. And, if I can, support someone else in their endeavor.
Thanks for reading! I hope to share something inspiring <hehe>!

From 2.21.12:

I did it.  It seems stupid to be excited about walking for 20 minutes, but for me that is a HUGE thing.  Just getting up early to do this is huge.  I am one of those people that has the morning schedule down to the minute so that I can stay in bed as LOOONG as possible.  But, I got up 30 minutes earlier than usual so that I would have time to long in after my walk. 
It was good. I admit, I was watching the clock a little. Kept thinking, "it has to have been 10 minutes by now..." and it had only been about 4! But, I made it :)  My heart is pounding, I'm in a sweat, my legs are tingling, and my feet feel funny.  But those are all good things! I am proud of myself.  I am DOING something.  And that is the biggest thing, for me anyway.
I better get on with my day. The kids will be up soon, and work is calling my name.... Enjoy YOUR day!

From 2.22.12:

Wow! 2 days in a row! This is a record for me :) It was definitely harder to drag my a** outta bed this morning though! But, I managed. And it felt good.  I'm REALLY awake now! Even just my 20 minutes on the tread seems to have "perked up" my Monday yesterday. I am hoping for the same result today. My sister in law tells me that the days she exercises are the days she gets the most accomplished, that she just seems to have more energy.  I'll take some of that!
Well, gotta keep movin'. Happy Tuesday!

From 2.23.12:

So, last night I stayed up later than I planned.  I was waiting for a phone call that didn't come until TONIGHT.  Then, baby girl had a bad dream and crawled into bed with me.  She is a restless sleeper to say the least! After a not-so-great nights sleep, I got a text message at 5 am notifying me that school was delayed due to fog and icy roads. So, no need to get the kids up. And, in the past - a GREAT reason to sleep a little later myself! When the alarm went off at 6, the snooze was my best friend.  I tried to justify staying in bed just a little longer, ONE more snooze... But I couldn't do it! I actually got up and walked my 20 minutes! I'm pretty proud of myself :)
Water has never been a friend of mine either. With the encouragement of my coach I am drinking ALOT more of it! Today I actually pushed 70 oz! I feel like I could float away :P 
So, all in all, its been a good day. Better, in fact, because I started it out right.

From 2.26.12:

By Friday, I was anticipating a busy, but "lazy" weekend.  I figured, sleeping in was for sure going to sabotage my walking schedule since I am up before 6 am to fit it in during the week.  I actually argued with myself about it Saturday while my son was getting ready for work.  I did sleep in - if I deprive myself of a couple extra hours on my day off to exercise - I'll quit. I am realistic enough to know that about myself. But, when I got up, had my coffee, I could hear that treadmill calling my name. So, I filled up my waterbottle, laced my shoes and went to it. I even added some speed for a few minutes of "jog-walking"! And the day was awesome. I had company coming in the evening (some old friends I haven't seen in years) and while the house was clean, there was definitely some work to be done! The added energy from my workout carried me through the day, and I felt like I accomplished something. 
And today, has started out pretty much the same.  I let myself have the extra hours to burrow in the blankets, but when I got up - I started the day right with a walk. I can't wait for spring, when I can take it to the streets!

Just wanted to share that so far, I am sticking with this.  The blogging is good, I can keep accountability with my coach. I even took before pictures. Not pretty. Don't think I'll share those here...

Bittersweet

I would have to say that today was just as great of a day as yesterday. I started the day out with a walk on the treadmill. Really, I did! I surprised myself this weekend. Friday night I was pretty sure that I "deserved" a weekend off from exercise. That 2 days really didn't matter. But Saturday morning and again this morning I just couldn't skip it! Huh. Who would have figured.

We have such an amazing church family. When we started going to our church a little over 7 years ago, it was with the idea that we were just going to try it because we wanted to go to a church in the community where the kids went to school. And it just "fit". We've made some good friends, and now I can't imagine going anywhere else. This morning, everyone I talked to reminded me why we go to church in the first place - to lift each other up. Rejoice with them during the good times, and sorrow with them when life takes other directions. Pray with and FOR them. I am so thankful for each and every one of my church family!

After church today we went to pick Paul up from ARC. We made kind of a late start, because once I get talking... He was waiting for us when we got there. HE LOOKED SO GOOD!! His back is healing well, he has work to keep him busy, he's eating well, and has lost a few pounds too! Its good to see the happy side of him again. And, he is still the same Paul he's always been :)  We had a fun family lunch at Logan's with his parents. Then we got to go HOME.  Oh, how good it was to just be "normal" for the day! Devin spent the weekend at YG camp, so we went to pick him up, and then just relaxed with a movie.  There was a meeting for the summer serve project Zak is going on, so Paul was able to go to that with me.  I think it was just what he needed. Seeing some of the people who have been so faithfully supporting him in prayer, and hearing how much he is missed can only help.

But, like every "date", there is an end.  And it really did feel very much like a date.  He was ready to be picked up when we got there.  We went out to lunch and then home for a movie. We socialized with people we knew. And then he had to be back in time for curfew. Very strange feeling. Almost like being thrown back in time. The thing is, when you are 19 and dating, all you have to think about is the "now" of it. There are no worries.  NOW, though, we have 4 kids who are VERY affected by every choice, every decision we make. After living our life together, and then to go back to "dating", when for 18+ years we have lived along side each other, it was just really hard. I need a cigarette. Or, I should say, I WANT a cigarette. But, I won't have one. Because, I DON'T need one. And, I really don't want one either. What I WANT is my husband back. I need him back. And I know I'll get him back. Its just gonna take time. Like I said, bittersweet.

Its almost like dating again!

What a great day it has been! I wasn't sure how exercise and the weekend were going to mix. Getting up 1/2 hour early when I have to get up for work anyway isn't such a big deal, but sleeping in, and then having the kids all up and around... lets just say I didn't have any real hopes of actually fitting my walk in today! But, I did it! (I can't believe that makes me excited!) And, since I felt so good afterward, I cleaned. (yes, you read that correctly...) I had some moral support - Amanda and the kids came over for the day, but I got A LOT accomplished. Lazing around on a weekend is  one of my favorite things, but today felt really good!

Then, I got the chance to reconnect with some old, good friends that we lost track of over the years. Funny how time, kids, and life get in the way of somethings you think will always be a part of your life! Paul had a couple of good friends that we hung out with almost every weekend while we were dating, and the last time we saw them and their families Olivia was a baby. We have since been separated, re-united, added Elaina, lived in 2 places temporarily and moved to where we live now! We had a lot to catch up on! One couple couldn't make it, and Devin is at YG camp, so our numbers were not as large as I anticipated, but it was so good to hear what they have been up to, and see that while time marches on, we can still keep our friendship going.  We made plans to get together again soon on a Sunday so Paul can join us, and the other couple with their daughter too!

Which brings me to the reason I am writing and not sleeping already:
Paul called and said that he is now allowed to leave for the day on Sundays after church!  I haven't eagerly awaited seeing someone this much since we were dating! And having to wait for him to call me, well THAT was something I didn't do much of - I just called him if I wanted to talk to him! We had planned on going up to see him anyway, so this nice surprise is just icing on the cake!

What a great day...:)

One of my favorites...

Psalm 139

Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely ,oh Lord.

You hem me in - behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is to wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God.
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,
and abhor those who rise against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them, I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Its been a strange day. It really was a good day, but then I got home and just felt, hmmm, down I guess. Thats not the word I am really reaching for, but I can't come up with anything better. A long week of new things, and I'm just tired I suppose.

I spoke with Paul last night. It was of course via pay-phone on his end, and the connection was terrible. But our connection wasn't - it was so GOOD to hear his voice! He can have regular visits now - he's been sober for more than 30 days!! So, Sunday's are going to be "family" days for us again! :)
I am not being unrealistic - I know we have a long road ahead, that may not always be pleasant. I just want to take joy in the small stuff. We haven't done that in a long time.  And with God hemming us in, we can do that gladly. He'll take care of the rest.

Enough for today I think. 

Real Life

I didn't pick a word for today. But, for some reason, inspire has been on my mind lately.  What inspires you? An amazing singer, a star athelete, a "winning" polititian, a celebrity? While people like this seem to have done some awesome things, I prefer REAL people.

My sister inspires me. Her life has not been easy. A teenage pregnancy, an early marriage. Some might have said "it can never work". But its been 20 years this past August. And she and my brother in law have lived through the hardest thing a parent can - the loss of a child. And they are still together, still strong.  I'm sure they have their moments. What marriage doesn't. The beauty of it is they keep going - together. The most important thing is FAMILY. And keeping God at the center of it. They walk that walk.  

My mom inspires me. She has lived with MS for more than 25 years. I have watched it progress, until now - she isn't the mom I remember. And I am not talking about her physical appearance. Although those of you who haven't seen her in a while - would be surprised. She forgets things. She falls. She repeats herself. (in fact, it can be hard to deal with!) BUT, she goes on. She LOVES her grandchildren. She offers what help she is able to provide. SHE IS HERE. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't WANT to imagine my life without her.

My Grandpa inspires me. I feel badly that I don't visit more often. Life gets in my way. Selfishness gets in the way. He is the biggest prayer warrior I know. And, no matter what stupid, sinful things us grandkids do - he keeps praying. If I ever needed ANYTHING I have just had to ask. He may not "give" what I want without strings - sometimes there is a lesson involved! But, he (and Grandma too) always helped solve whatever I brought to him. I am lucky to still have him in my life. My kids are lucky to know him. (They've been crazy blessed with Great-Grands - 2 grandmothers on Paul's side and a new grandpa French, and the chance to know all 4 of my grands. Plus step grands) I miss my Grandma though. And I know he does. She had a song for everything. Just this past Sunday in church, the songs we sang I could HEAR her singing along-side of me.

I have many friends who inspire me too. The teenage mother who had the courage to start over - and made an amazing life for herself. The old friend who struggles with an "invisible" illness - she gets out of bed and raises her child, and lives her life the best she can. The couple who struggled with infertility for years, waiting, HOPING to share their lives with children. The cousin who battled his own demons and beats them every day. God shows in their lives, and makes me see what I can be, with His help. These people don't live their lives to inspire people, it just happens. They just live to glorify. And to inspire, to change someone thats just a bonus from God.

Our military men and women inspire me. They don't always face artillery or danger to protect us, but protect us they do. They give us the freedom to follow our dreams, in a country built on dreams. Thank you to the many members of my family, and my friends who have made the sacrifice of time with their families, and sometimes the sacrifice of their very lives so that I can sit here and type! No matter what the war, you answered that call of duty.

Its been a bad few years for dead celebrities. Michael, Whitney... God gifted you with amazing abilities. Did you use them to praise? Did you use what you achieved to better others? Yes and no. Do you deserve "inspiration" status? Not for me. I'll take a real person any day.

Word of the day: Motivation

Motivation is the word I picked for today.  What is my Motivation?

I really want to be healthy. In every aspect of my life.  How do I do that?? Physically, I am making a good start, a healthy start.  I have given up cigarettes - something I have hung onto FIERCELY for more than 20 years.  I had plenty of "reasons" for not quiting: I have too much stress right now, I don't really smoke that much, its too hard while Paul smokes, I LIKE it (really?!)... I could probably come up with more, but the truth is all of them are just excuses.  I am addicted to them. And, like any addiction, until you decide you CAN'T do it anymore, and WON'T do it anymore, you'll keep doing it.  Well, I can't, and won't smoke anymore.  Its healthier for me, its healthier for my kids, and since my body is God's temple - its what HE wants for me. Its not easy, its not fun, do I still want a cigarette? Oh YES. Yes, yes, yes. But, each day is a new day. And there are pretty long stretches of each day that I don't even think about smoking.

And now, EXERCISE.  Its like a 4-letter word. Except its 8 letters. Which makes it TWICE as bad.  I don't like to sweat. I don't want to work at it.  I just want to look like I did 20 years ago! (Ok, I'll settle for 10 years ago!) But, you get the picture. I have begun though. Its almost as hard as quiting smoking. Almost. I feel like someone's grandma with my program - walking. For now, its a start. And I am proud of myself for being motivated to do this. 

I want my marriage to be healthy too. I think Paul deciding to go to rehab, and me deciding to take a more ACTIVE role in my own life is a good start.  I need some help in this area too.  Because for too long we have both been just floating along, not really participating.  The reasons for that are too many to get into in one post.  I plan to use this blog to explore them individually.  And, by doing so, shine a light on problems I need to work on, problems Paul needs to work on, and things we can do together to BE together. 

Faith. What makes a healthy spiritual life? I think that my prayer life is pretty good, I "pray continually and often". But, the rest? I'm not so sure of.  I feel angry and bitter alot. I DO trust that God has a plan for me, in everything that happens in my life.  What I DON'T trust is that I am going to recognize that plan. What if I don't follow where He is leading? Obviously, in this sinful world I have followed the wrong path many times.  And Bible study? Nope. Don't do it. I know I should. I have in the past. I just never feel like I can choose the "right" one for me. I know. Excuses, excuses. I need to find the motivation to start. It should have been my first "improvement". Its not. I hope I can find the "healthy" in this too though.

So, today I can say my MOTIVATION is health. Healthy life, healthy marriage, healthy Faith.  What is your motivation?

A Little (Just a little!) Background

1990.  That's when it all started.  Paul and I met a few weeks after he graduated from high school.  I had just finished my first year of college.  Looking back, it seems like just yesterday, and a million years ago.  How did we get here from there?  That's what I am hoping we can figure out during the next 5 months of our lives. 

Flash forward to now.  We have been married almost 19 years.  And for more than 15 of them, Paul has struggled with alcoholism.  And I am co-dependent.  He has made the choice to get help for his addiction.  And me?  I don't quite know where to begin my healing process.  Over the years, I have pretty much lost myself.  If I am not "managing" him, I am "managing" the kids.  And working. In all honesty, I just want to bury myself in my bed and not come out until everything is "normal".  (and yes, I know I use quotes too much!) So, on my quest for self improvement, and discovery I am going to write.  I also quit smoking.  Yes, again. But, this time, I am determined to succeed.  I am also <gulp> starting a new lifestyle - including the dreaded EXERCISE!!!  I know. SOOOOO not me. But, its gonna be. 

So, if you are reading this - bear with me.  I am not quite sure what I am doing!  I hope to improve the presentation of this blog, I just don't know how :) And, I am going to use it to work through my issues.  And, along the way, learn a little about myself and my life. My faith. My kids. My Hubby...