Mom, can I have the keys?

Haven't heard this one yet.  Only because we haven't had time for him to take the driving test and go the Secretary of State's office.  A little LOT more practice parking wouldn't hurt either...  Another vehicle is on our list of "wants" too, Zak has been saving all summer thinking he is going to find his own - something cheap and reliable is tough to find right now!

This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being.  His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever.  Being a mom is the hardest job on earth.  I can't imagine my life any other way.  If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you.  I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can.  I have grown up right along with him.  Every day is something new - still.  Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones!  He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible!  My first born...

August 16, 1996 at 5:22 pm, this 8 lb baby boy (whom I was certain was going to be a girl!) came into my life.  One of the most amazing experiences ever.  And now, 16 years later, he towers over me.  But, he still is the most tender-hearted, loving boy.  His sense of humor, his love of his brother and sisters, his spiritual growth all make him the person he is. 

We've had a crazy week though.  On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure.  This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work.  Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled.  Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football.  NOT a happy camper.  And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th.  If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season.  For us, we just want to know what is going on.  For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time.  It hasn't been a good birthday for him.  We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar.  And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess.  Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player.  The not knowing is the worst.  For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry.  If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.

And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come.  We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one.  We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves.  Happy birthday to my sweet boy.  Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.



Just not feelin' it...

I'm just not feeling happy today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, or bummed out, just not, happy. I am a firm believer in CONTENT rather than happy as a rule.  I think if you live your life always looking to be happy - as in WHAT will make me happy, WHO do I need to be with to be happy, HOW am I going to stay happy... then you miss out on the things that make you content. The things that are enough. 

"It is what it is", has been my mantra for many years. It kind of HAS to have been. To get through my days, seeing how we were. And, to some degree, this is truth no matter what. You do have to just accept sometimes. It is what it is.  BUT, we do have that ability to CHANGE what isn't working for us. To IMPROVE what's not right.  To SET GOALS for the future. Here's the kicker, for me anyway. When I have done this in the past its made me discontent with what I have now, in the present. 

I want to live my life for the moment. I want to be happy with what is. I don't want to look at the past and wish I could change things, or wish I could do things differently. But, I want to make the future brighter too. I want to make my house a haven for my kids. I want to make my marriage an example of the RIGHT way to interact and enjoy my spouse. I want to live a healthier, more active life to set an example for my kids. I want my faith to show to others.  The problem I have is mixing all this up in a balanced way. To be content in the now, and still strive for the reachable goals for the future. Not looking back - I'm trying to only do that when I feel like I have something to learn from the past - not relive the mistakes and beat myself or anyone else up about it.

So, yeah. Today, I'm just not feeling it. I think I'm wallowing a bit. I don't know how to do any of this today. I'm not happy.  And, thats ok. I'm allowed. I won't stay this way. I'll find the contentedness again. Maybe not the happy, at least not right away. I might need to learn how to BE happy. Hmmm. I think I need to learn that again. Content - that I can do.

Word of the day: Motivation

Motivation is the word I picked for today.  What is my Motivation?

I really want to be healthy. In every aspect of my life.  How do I do that?? Physically, I am making a good start, a healthy start.  I have given up cigarettes - something I have hung onto FIERCELY for more than 20 years.  I had plenty of "reasons" for not quiting: I have too much stress right now, I don't really smoke that much, its too hard while Paul smokes, I LIKE it (really?!)... I could probably come up with more, but the truth is all of them are just excuses.  I am addicted to them. And, like any addiction, until you decide you CAN'T do it anymore, and WON'T do it anymore, you'll keep doing it.  Well, I can't, and won't smoke anymore.  Its healthier for me, its healthier for my kids, and since my body is God's temple - its what HE wants for me. Its not easy, its not fun, do I still want a cigarette? Oh YES. Yes, yes, yes. But, each day is a new day. And there are pretty long stretches of each day that I don't even think about smoking.

And now, EXERCISE.  Its like a 4-letter word. Except its 8 letters. Which makes it TWICE as bad.  I don't like to sweat. I don't want to work at it.  I just want to look like I did 20 years ago! (Ok, I'll settle for 10 years ago!) But, you get the picture. I have begun though. Its almost as hard as quiting smoking. Almost. I feel like someone's grandma with my program - walking. For now, its a start. And I am proud of myself for being motivated to do this. 

I want my marriage to be healthy too. I think Paul deciding to go to rehab, and me deciding to take a more ACTIVE role in my own life is a good start.  I need some help in this area too.  Because for too long we have both been just floating along, not really participating.  The reasons for that are too many to get into in one post.  I plan to use this blog to explore them individually.  And, by doing so, shine a light on problems I need to work on, problems Paul needs to work on, and things we can do together to BE together. 

Faith. What makes a healthy spiritual life? I think that my prayer life is pretty good, I "pray continually and often". But, the rest? I'm not so sure of.  I feel angry and bitter alot. I DO trust that God has a plan for me, in everything that happens in my life.  What I DON'T trust is that I am going to recognize that plan. What if I don't follow where He is leading? Obviously, in this sinful world I have followed the wrong path many times.  And Bible study? Nope. Don't do it. I know I should. I have in the past. I just never feel like I can choose the "right" one for me. I know. Excuses, excuses. I need to find the motivation to start. It should have been my first "improvement". Its not. I hope I can find the "healthy" in this too though.

So, today I can say my MOTIVATION is health. Healthy life, healthy marriage, healthy Faith.  What is your motivation?