Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

Tomorrow, my baby is going to be another year older. I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed, and how many changes have happened over the last 7 years.

I am one of two. Plus a third later in my life. Sisters that is. I always wanted an older brother. Paul was the oldest of four. Two boys, two girls. When we got married, that was our plan. After a while anyway.  We, of course, went through the "I don't want kids, do you want kids?!" phase. We were having fun. Neither of us had ever lived on our own until we got married. It was an awakening, to say the least. But, as you watch your friends, and sisters (his and mine) having kids, that changes. I can't say we were QUITE ready to become parents... but Zak came along anyway. Other than HATING the car/car seat/riding anywhere he was a good baby. I, on the other hand, had a bit of the blues going on, and couldn't quite appreciate what an easy fellow he was until Devin came along... And, in his own way, Dev was not really a difficult baby - just not the same as Zak. He didn't sleep. Not through the night until he was 3 months old. Yeah, I know - LOTS of babies don't sleep through the night until later than that... But, like I said, I didn't appreciate what a great baby Zak was - in his 6 weeks-sleeping-through-the-nights way until I didn't HAVE a baby who did that!

Then, there is Olivia. The first girl. For Paul and I, and for my parents - my sister had 3 boys, and I had 2 before she arrived. SPOILED... not even the word for it! I swear, I had so many clothes for her that she could have worn 2 outfits a day for the first year, and never had to wear anything twice!! Oh, but she was fun:) And, a good mix of both boys' personalities and sleep patterns... she was a good baby who didn't like to sleep either! By that time though, I felt like I had my feet under me and could run with it. And, for a time that was true. I had my kids that I could give all my attention to - since Paul and I were barely hanging on by that point....

And, I couldn't do it. I left. I took the kids, found a new place to call mine, started working again, and left. I still haven't quite analyzed myself from that time yet. I don't know if I really want to dig down there... I know why I left. I know where I was putting the blame. I also know that I was responsible for some of the issues/problems in our marriage. I do accept my part in it all. And, for a year, Paul and I became friends again. I lived through my own parents' divorce. They both did what they needed to do to live happy, fulfilled lives. But we (Lisa and I) kind of got stuck in it. I didn't want my kids to feel pulled in different directions like I did. I didn't want them to feel like they couldn't tell me what fun they had with Paul, or how much they loved him. And vice versa. So, we talked. And we laughed. And we remembered. Why we fell in love in the first place. And it wasn't perfect - and wasn't going to be. But that was ok. We needed each other, we needed our kids, we needed to be a family. After that year, we decided we needed to try again - the right way. We started going to church again, and found a place where we belonged.

About that time we figured, Olivia was going to start school soon, I was working full time, we had found land to move our house to... Probably ought to think about some hmmm, permanent birth control... Even though we had always talked about 4 kids, 3 seemed like a good number. God had other plans. We found out I was pregnant for Elaina right after scheduling a doctor appointment... NOT what we thought we would be doing again! We were older, we finally had everyone out of diapers - 7 years of diapers is a long time! But the pregnancy was fun. Uneventful. Until 5 weeks before she was due. My water broke, we went into the hospital, and my blood pressure was really high, and couldn't be controlled. We ended up having an emergency C-section. Scary stuff. I needed to be put out because the block wouldn't numb me up fast enough. I couldn't see her right away because I couldn't walk when I did wake up. And she was little. Only 3lbs, 6oz. Scary stuff.  Funny thing - those days are almost a blur now. I remember the fear, the anxiety of those days, but the last 7 years have gone by so quickly. Too quickly.

She's not little anymore. She's my giggly, crazy girlie. She loves dressing up, and make-up. She likes to be tickled, and cuddled. And, finally - she likes to sleep in! AFTER NOT SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT UNTIL SHE WAS A YEAR!! Yes, I became very grateful for those babes who slept after 3 months... She - was not one of them!! But, oh how my life would be empty with out her! I cannot imagine our family with out her in it! She might be the "pesty little sister who won't leave them alone", but they all take care of her. Its fun to watch my big, teenage boys play dolls with her, or play in the sandbox. And she and Liv are getting to be friends. I KNOW they will treasure each other as they grow up.

First day of school, 2011 (1st grade)

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Girl! No matter how much you grow up, you'll always be my baby! Love you, Lainie-girl!

Are you waiting?

We spend a lot of time waiting for something. Right now, I am waiting for pizza to be delivered. Earlier today, I was waiting for my work day to be over. I'm not a very patient person. I don't like to wait. The last few weeks, I have really turned my focus inward, I've really been examining just what makes me tick. I realized that I look too much toward what will be, and tell myself I'm waiting for this or that... I am not very good at enjoying the moment. I have a picture, a vision if you will, of what my life should be - what it WILL be, if I wait long enough. The problem with this is, if all you do is WAIT for something - nothing happens. You'll always be waiting. Waiting for your ship to come in, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for your kids to grow up, waiting, waiting, waiting... Now, I'm not necessarily waiting for all these things - but everyone waits for something. Like I said - I'm waiting for pizza right now. I'm hungry, and impatient. BUT, here it is - mmmm. Sometimes things are better when you have to wait for them.

I'm also waiting for Paul to come home. For him to be better.  Thats not really fair to him. To expect that he will be better than he is. He is already the man I love, and have loved for more than 1/2 my lifetime. I shouldn't expect better. I should expect healed (improved maybe?). I think, he is probably waiting to come home too. And wondering if he will be healed enough to come home. Again, we WAIT to find this out.

Throughout all this waiting, we are being taught life's lessons.To have patience. To embrace God's mercy. To humbly come before Him and ask for His help and guidance. (Yes, I was a Calvinette, NOT a GEM...!) And, sometimes you have to wait to hear the answers to prayers.  I struggle with these things. I'm not patient. And I'm certainly not humble! And to give everything to God - to turn it over and quit worrying... well, I'm learning that lesson daily :) Its a good thing God is patient with us, and that His mercy is unfailing!

I'm also finding that you don't have to wait alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason. Some people are there only for a season, but others - they are there for the long haul. Through the cold, lonely winters that life inevitably sends our way, the springtimes - with the renewal of spirits. The summers of life - when its easy to BE a friend, and the autumns when harvest is over, and life is looking like its winding down. He puts people in our lives when we NEED them. Our friends are God's hands in our lives - sent by Him to help us wait. 

I'm also finding that we don't have to just WAIT. We can do something to pass that time. Sometimes, the things we find to do - become a lifestyle change. I'm hoping that getting MOVING is going to be a good change in my life. I'm hoping that writing all the stuff in my head is going to be a life-long change.  But, even if these things are only "seasonal", I'm glad I started them. I have started a devotional at night too. Right now, I am working on Psalm 23. I think God is making me lie down in the green pastures to restore my soul. Sometimes, the waiting is good for us. It makes us take the time out of our busy, crazy lives to just be.

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just typing as it comes to me :) So, are you waiting? What for? Who with? Is it worth the wait? I can't wait for the day when Paul comes home to stay. I bet God feels that way about us too. He can't wait for the day when we come home to stay.