do you ever feel like there is a hole in your bucket? like, no matter how much you pour into it, it never gets any fuller? i'm there right now. we've had so much going on for so many months. zak's medical stuff is just one more thing. as i've said, we assume, and hope its nothing major. but, that bucket just keeps pissing our lives out the bottom... when paul went in for all the stuff with his back, we knew getting comp involved was going to complicate things. we didn't want to claim it, even though we were sure that his job, and everything he does there is what caused his problems. when the neurologist said he "couldn't lie, and would have to say it was work related" we figured we better turn it in. so, when the NEXT doctor (the surgeon who operated on him) said "oh, no, this isn't work related, its genetic", I just KNEW there would be a problem. now, neither insurance company wants to pay. and this isn't just something new - i've honestly been avoiding it head-in-the-sand style for awhile now. it just was that one more thing that i couldn't deal with while paul was gone. but the hospital and the surgeon want their money. and it looks like it needs to come from us - at least until one of the insurance companies will pony up for it. otherwise, our credit is screwed (i really wanted to swear here...).
and the truck needs new brakes. BADLY. this problem is a relatively minor one. paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie. just one more thing... and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy. high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week. we also need new tires before winter. AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...
i'm a worrier by nature. i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too. no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it. BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated... don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could. but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry. i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person. but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak. this hasn't happened. i have known who heis for a very long time. and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that. looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did. i've been looking at pictures this week. reminiscing about when we became parents. and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then. some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either. he doesn't smile anymore. at least not much. and i miss it. life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it. and finding it again can be so hard. especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials. its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them. i think this is where paul is right now. maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. which kind of brings us all to that spot.
getting to that spot is what prompted this post. the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it. so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime. i had to get it out. sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison. if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming. you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next? i don't know. what i do know is i could just cry right now. my bucket is NOT overflowing. its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it. so, i apologize for this downer of a post. about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try.
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