There's a hole in my bucket...

do you ever feel like there is a hole in your bucket?  like, no matter how much you pour into it, it never gets any fuller?  i'm there right now.  we've had so much going on for so many months.  zak's medical stuff is just one more thing.  as i've said, we assume, and hope its nothing major.  but, that bucket just keeps pissing our lives out the bottom...  when paul went in for all the stuff with his back, we knew getting comp involved was going to complicate things.  we didn't want to claim it, even though we were sure that his job, and everything he does there is what caused his problems.  when the neurologist said he "couldn't lie, and would have to say it was work related" we figured we better turn it in.  so, when the NEXT doctor (the surgeon who operated on him) said "oh, no, this isn't work related, its genetic", I just KNEW there would be a problem.  now, neither insurance company wants to pay.  and this isn't just something new - i've honestly been avoiding it head-in-the-sand style for awhile now.  it just was that one more thing that i couldn't deal with while paul was gone.  but the hospital and the surgeon want their money.  and it looks like it needs to come from us - at least until one of the insurance companies will pony up for it.  otherwise, our credit is screwed (i really wanted to swear here...). 

and the truck needs new brakes.  BADLY.  this problem is a relatively minor one.  paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie.  just one more thing...  and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy.  high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week.  we also need new tires before winter.  AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...

i'm a worrier by nature.  i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too.  no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it.  BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated...  don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could.  but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry.  i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person.  but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak.  this hasn't happened.  i have known who heis for a very long time.  and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that.  looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did.  i've been looking  at pictures this week.  reminiscing about when we became parents.  and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then.  some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either.  he doesn't smile anymore.  at least not much.  and i miss it.  life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it.  and finding it again can be so hard.  especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials.  its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them.  i think this is where paul is right now.  maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time.  which kind of brings us all to that spot.

getting to that spot is what prompted this post.  the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it.  so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime.  i had to get it out.  sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison.  if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming.  you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next?  i don't know.  what i do know is i could just cry right now.  my bucket is NOT overflowing.  its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it.  so, i apologize for this downer of a post.  about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try. 

Better Days

I am so very thankful that the work/school week is more than half over!! Yesterday was, shall we say, a very Monday sort of day.  I think Mondays generally get a bad rap - just because the weekend is over, doesn't mean its just DESTINED to be a bad day. But, because we expect it, it can turn rotten fast. I didn't go into Monday thinking it was going to be bad. And, for the most part, it wasn't. But yesterday... yesterday was TUESDAY for goodness' sake! And, it felt like a Monday.

I woke up with a dull headache - felt very sinus-y. I set my alarm about 45 minutes before I actually want to get up as a rule. For just such mornings as these. I took some pain-killers, and laid back down - usually, 20 minutes of relaxed breathing, and the pills will take care of the waking aches. And, yesterday was no exception - except I didn't really want to get up then. Especially not get up and exercise. But, I did. And absolutely bombed my workout. Yesterday's scheduled workout was the cardio "dance" workout. I'm good with it for about 10 minutes. After that, well, I can't seem to get the progressive moves down. And, being the perfectionist that I am - this drives me nuts! I've been doing this for almost a month now, and the learning curve isn't getting any better! Add pre-menopausal hormones into the mix, and lets just say Paul is probably lucky to NOT be living here at this time!! I ended up finishing (giving up) about 10 minutes before the end, because let's face it - crying uncontrollably in front of the TV watching strong, slim, sexy women exercise is NOT going to help me feel better when its gone this far!  I made my shake, got the girls up and headed for the shower. We need a new hot water heater. The element is going (we've replaced it once) and the boys' showers from the night before plus a load of laundry tripped it. I had PLANNED to check the reset button before bed Monday night. I forgot. I had no hot water Tuesday morning. This did not make my morning better!!  Moving on though, I helped Laine pick out clothes, and got her lunch ready. Then took a luke-warm (at best!) shower - in 3 minutes. Needless to say, we left the house a few minutes behind schedule. Which, actually helps during school drop off, as I get there AFTER the 7:40 rush and don't get stuck in exit lane traffic. Getting on the highway at that time however, is much BUSIER. And, I got stuck behind that person who drives 60 mph, while not being able to switch to the left lane to pass due to heavy traffic volume. Road rage is my friend.

Long story short, my work day was not too bad. Supper plans worked out well. Dance and grocery shopping went fine. The day ended better than it began.  I went to bed praying for a better day today. GOD IS GOOD:) Which, I knew anyway, but today was certainly a very apparent answer to prayer. I have said it before, and I'll say it again - we have bad days, trying times, etc. to show us how good it can be. Today wasn't an exceptionally wonderful day - but it was normal. And smooth. Both of which I will grab with both hands right now! And, those wonderful days, well, I'll take those too! Here's to looking toward better days - praying all of you recognize and embrace them when they come your way too!