Hmmmmm.....

Its been awhile. I have SO much swirling around in my head tonight. I apologize beforehand for my meandering thought patterns...

There is a fine line between high hopes and unrealistic expectations.  How do you decide if what you are hoping for can become a reality, and, if it CAN, is it something unrealistic to expect? Goals go hand in hand with this I think. Its always good to have goals that you strive for. I am striving for a goal right now - to live a more active, healthy lifestyle. By doing so, my GOAL is to be down 2 pant sizes by the end of the summer. Worthy? To me, yes. Someone else might think it shallow and stupid. Unrealistic? No, I have proved to myself over the last 6 weeks that I CAN add exercise into each day, and... ENJOY said exercise!! I can also watch what I eat: not so much depriving myself of the foods I love, but controlling portion sizes, and adding foods that are healthier into the mix. My "high hopes" are becoming realized goals.

Where the gray area comes in, right now for me anyway, is in what I hope for and expect of Paul through his recovery process. I HOPE he can find a way to fight the urge to drink again - and continue fighting it. Do I "expect" him to just do this without help or encouragement? Of course not! But, I wonder sometimes if he thinks that? That the help I try to give doesn't feel like help to him? That what I HOPE are encouraging words come out sounding pious and judgemental to him? I pray so long and so hard and so often for him. I don't think he knows (or would even believe!) how much he is on my mind and heart. And, its so not about me. I just know who he could be. Who I have seen glimpses of over the years. I HOPE that I do not have unrealistic expectations of him that put him under too much pressure.

This all brings me to attitude. Optimism or pessimism? Or neither? I've never been a "glass is 1/2 full" kind of gal. But, to say the "glass is 1/2 empty" doesn't really fit me either. I'm more of "that's a 1/2 a glass" of something. More of a "tell it like it is" type. Maybe more fatalistic? I don't know. Its something thats been on my mind a lot lately. Over the years, I've gone through phases of each attitude at some point. I think everyone does. Even the most ETERNAL optimist has moments of doubt.  Those people who see sunshine, lollypops and rainbows everywhere... I think its an act. NO ONE can be that cheerful about everything all the time. Just like people who NEVER see the good in things. I think that they LIKE to be blue. It must do something for them.  Lets leave it to the fates... No, I don't really think that either!!! As a Christian, I know that our course is set, that God knows everything we will do before we do it - so, fatalistic, maybe. But, I also know that He gives us freedom to chose our path. This is a concept greater minds than mine struggle with. And, I'll say right now - I have had issues with since I was a child! Its too big for me. And I'm ok with that. I know my Savior, and thats enough. Moving on...

Perseverance.  Good word. By definition: determined continuation with something, steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks. I think this is going to be my attitude. Perseverancism (yes, I know I just made that up - but its a good word, I'm keeping it!) The last 19 years have not been easy. They have been filled with so much - good, bad, ugly, wonderful. I am going to stay the course though, and I am so glad I don't have to travel alone. I know there is something better waiting for me. In this life AND the next!

Happy Easter, everyone! Remember why we celebrate! He is Risen Indeed! Praises!