A New Year, again...

It's been a long time. Too long. I would like to say I've been too busy, but the truth is, I've been too BLANK.  Too blocked.  At least, at the times that would work to write.  Ideas have come at many times over the last year and a half, just not at the right times.  And if I jot down the bare bones of what seems to be something I want to write about, when I look back at it, it's just not the same.  

So, to catch up: Zak finished his senior year.  He played football, and did work study while working at the mill in the afternoons.  His family grew by one sweet little girl in October of 2014.  Ivy Rose was born on the 17th.  I am continually amazed at what a wonderful father he is growing into.  In May, he graduated - and sang Simple Man for his graduation ceremony.  I KNOW his dad was with him, I know he was with me.  It was another first for our family - the first child to graduate without him there.  Bittersweet seems to describe every special occasion (and many "normal" days) that we have. In June, he and Brittany got married. This mama was proud, sad, thrilled, heartbroken, happy... pretty much every emotion you could think of, I felt them that day.  She was a beautiful bride, and I am glad to call her my daughter.  They are doing well - experiencing all the newlywed PLUS new parent emotions  :) They are in the process of purchasing their new home.  It's just a few blocks from our house, so I am looking forward to bike rides and walks to visit when the weather gets warmer.

Devin is well into his senior year.  Last spring, he acted in his first musical as the prince in Beauty and the Beast.  He finished his football career with an all-conference award, the coach's choice award, and was chosen as an all-area defensive end.  Again - I KNOW his dad was there.  He is going to the vocational school in Allegan this year, studying to be an electrician with plans to pursue an apprenticeship after graduation.  It's so hard for me to believe that another of my little boys has grown so quickly into a man! 

Olivia... my girl is so amazing to me! My dancer has become an athlete! She played volleyball and basketball in middle school, and now that she is a freshman in high school she has continued these sports.  For this totally non-athletic mom to watch her on the court, well, let's just say I am always crazy proud! I don't make it to as many games as I would like because of my work schedule, but I get to the ones I can.  She is pretty, she has many friends, and she does well in school. That said, her faith and her love for her family are the most beautiful things about her! Many times, I wonder just how she got so great - 'cause Paul and I definitely didn't know what we were doing much of the time - and I still feel that way A LOT. 

And last, but most definitely not least, Elaina.  My baby has changed so much! She is still silly and giggly and sweet and cuddly, but she has matured and become very caring and loving and TALL, so tall.  She still struggles in school.  That probably will always be something she has to work hard at.  And she hasn't found her "thing" yet.  But I know she will.  And, selfishly, I want her to stay my baby for a while longer yet ;) When I look in her eyes, I see Paul looking out at me... my brown-eyed girl... She is the one who won't remember, she is the one who didn't get the chance to know him.  It's up to me to fill in those blanks and I'm not sure I'm good enough at it.

Now that I've bragged on them some, I do need to say we are definitely NORMAL - we disagree, we argue, we disappoint each other... but in the end, we LOVE each other.  We are still holding on.  To each other, to our friends, and to GOD.  Some days are hard. So very hard...  But so much is good.  More than good. I still wish to KNOW. I question why.  Not always every day anymore, but still often.  And, I still resolve to let the why of it go.  It's something that I may want to know, but I don't need to know.  Eventually, I'll know.  I'll know it ALL.  

As we start the new year, we look forward to many activities. Sports, musical, graduation, youth group trips, choir trips, spring break, the birth of a new grandbaby (Zak and Brit are expecting #3 in April)... I'm hoping to delve a little deeper again.  To start up again.  It's time.  I feel like I've been in a fog.  I hesitate to call it a depression, but it's been pretty close to that.  I'm feeling again though.  And ready to continue the journey.  Stay tuned....

Time

Saturday was the one year anniversary of the worst night of my life.  I've said it many times over the last couple of weeks, this past year has been both the longest and shortest year ever.  Some days, I still feel like I am living in a dream, and when I wake up my life will be as it was.  God has been so GOOD to us! I KNOW that no matter what, our lives are following the path He has set before us and that He will never let us walk alone.

Last year, we were not able to put Paul's earthy remains to rest the day of the funeral.  Because of family logistics, we struggled to find the right time to do so.  We decided to celebrate his life on the anniversary of his death by meeting together at the cemetery to inter his ashes.  The kids and I were surrounded by our family and special friends as we said farewell for now.  For those of you who would like to pay respects, his remains are at Dorr Cemetery, near my nephew Alex's grave site. We do not have a grave marker yet, but hopefully by the end of the summer.  I didn't want to turn this time into another funeral, so we didn't have much of a 'ceremony'.  I read a letter that I wrote (and re-wrote many times in my head!).  My sister-in-law Emily asked that I blog it, so here it is:)

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Its been almost a year. A year full of so many, many changes.  We've gone through each "first", with the exception of Easter.  Last Easter, was our last time spent at the barn together.  We have each celebrated a birthday, we have celebrated YOUR birthday.  We have remembered, we have cried, we have grieved.  We still remember, we still cry, we still grieve.  But we laugh, we smile, we rejoice as well.  Memorial Day, we "saw" you on the tractor with Andy.  The 4th of July we "watched" fireworks with you.  You were with us in the room when Paul was born.  Each football game, dance recital, every choir concert and play - you were there.  When we moved into the new house, you came along.  You walked beside the kids on the first day of school. You trick-or-treated on Halloween and painted trees with us on Thanksgiving.  When we decorated the Christmas tree, YOU put the star on the top. 

2014, came in quietly and you were there for the New Year's kisses.  Valentine's Day you held my hand.  YOU found my wedding ring on our 20th anniversary.  And, as our 21st approaches, I will celebrate with you again.  And every day in between, you are there.  You live in the faces of our children, in the hearts of your family.  In our memories you will live forever.  

I can only imagine the celebrations you are part of now.  I can only imagine the family you are surrounded by.  I can only imagine the face of the Father.  I miss you.  The year that has flown by and yet gone so slowly for me is but a blink in Heaven.  For you, we will join you in a breath, and instant.
We're ok. We hurt. we mourn, but we rejoice.  Time. It flows around us, it carries us along, & eventually it will bring us home to join you at the feet of Jesus.

"In My Father's house are many mansions, if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto Myself... that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:2  (This was the passage from the program from Paul's service, and the passage that we found his bible open to in the ashes of our home.)

Someday, we will meet again.  I know this. I cherish this.  I love you.  Thank you Jesus, Thank you God.  No Goodbyes.


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We would not have survived this last year without the prayers of many and the help from our community.  You are like the sands on the seashore - too many to count.  Thank you will never be enough.  You are our strength.  

I was given a special journal by a wonderful friend just last week.  Each page has a verse or quote about grace.  I finished our memorial with the verses from the pages I used to write the letter.  They all seemed so appropriate and special, so I'm going to finish this with them as well:

From the fullness of His GRACE we will have all received one blessing after another.  John 1:16

Grace and peace be yours in ABUNDANCE. 2 Pet. 1:2

Grace is the free, undeserved GOODNESS and favor of God to mankind.  Matthew Henry

The LORD be with your spirit. Grace be with you. 2 Tim. 4:22

How Great is Our God, Sing with me....

The memories are coming fast and thick  this week. Tomorrow we say goodbye to good friends. To people who became part of the Hopkins Community Reformed family the same time we did. Friends who encouraged Paul to find a healthier musical outlet by being part of the church band. You will never know how much good you did for him. Music, in so many forms has always been his passion and he finally realized that the rock he loved didn't bring him a joyful life. His addiction made it impossible to chase that dream and still have a functioning family life. Giving that up changed him. For awhile I worried that he wouldn't find something that he could love so well. I hurt for him. Being on that stage, in front of that microphone gave him something. MADE him larger than life,fed him. He could run on that for a month or so and feel good about himself. Then the addiction would take over. And make something rotten out of what should have been a good and health hobby. He didn't know how to keep the music alive in his life without the bar bands.

And then along came Jen. And Staci, and Brittany, and Susan, Tony, Ethan, and Mark. You showed him that Christian music can rock out just as much as what he was playing. With one big difference - the effort put into it was GLORIFYING. Lifting up. Inspiring. Sure, there was room to add his own touches, but it was music for God. And I think when he got that into his head he was finally able to just let go and enjoy it for the sake of the music. Not because he was needing the feed from the crowd or the glory for himself.

He WILL be with us tomorrow. Singing long and loud right along with all of us , from heaven. I hear him in my head so much of the time when the band plays anyway. I have absolutely no doubt he's gonna be right there with us. So when I break down in tears and can't go on, it's so not because I'm sad. It's because I'm imagining the GLORIFYING going on right along with us.

Because HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!! Sing with me, for all to hear HOW GREAT, HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD....