Sunshine and Showers

Did you ever notice how when it rains, it POURS?  Its been that kind of month for us.  Really, each thing in and of itself has been no big deal.  For some reason though, each LITTLE thing, comes in multiples until they all look rather large.  Honestly, I wake up each day and just remind myself that its a NEW day - to just take it as it comes in that day.  And I'm ok with that.  Just can't seem to get out from under that cloud sometimes. 

Its been almost a month since my last post.  Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me.  I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia.  My girl is 12 now.  Her birthday was on the first day of school.  She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture.  But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl.  Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us.  Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago.  But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it.  She was by far our easiest baby.  6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever!  Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper.  I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her.  She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring.  LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.



5th grade graduation, 2012





 Our ongoing troubles with the water heater finally became an issue we HAD to address this weekend.  For the last several months, we have been babying the old girl along - the heating element had been replaced a couple years ago and now the reset button has finally given up.  Rather than buy a new one now, Paul thought he could replace the elements again.  No such luck.  After several hours of fighting with (and cussing at) the thing, he decided we just needed to bite that bullet and buy a new one.  This is in actuality a good thing - the old one, because of its issues has been a BIG electric hog.  We hope the new one will help this! Because it is as old as our home (and trailer-quality to boot!) there is no water shut off by the heater - this means Paul had to shut off the water to the house alltogether.  We have now been without water for 16+ hours.  Something he had to do of course, but it makes life difficult for all of us - and 6 people with no water (no TOILETS) is not so pleasant.  We are all a little grumpy today :) Only a little though, because we know its only temporary, and he did fill up some containers of water before he turned it off.  Hopefully, the installation of the new one will go smoothly!

I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues  too.  After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist.  He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure.  So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram.  We went in this past Monday for that.  The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened!  Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered!  He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too.  Our God is good, all the time!

Its been a time of showers within our extended families too.  Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle.  While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain.  My brother-in-law had a scare too:  he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting.  After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing.  It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:)  I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either.  I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well.  She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved.  Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith.  Please lift them all up.

My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too.  The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes.  The anti-locks are being weird.  Not sure what is going on there.  And, we need new tires. Again.  I drive way too much...   I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile".  This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car.  Zak REALLY wants to buy his own.  I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance.  We'll see what happens.  We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...

But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather.  We take the good with the bad.  Each day is new.  And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment! 

There's a hole in my bucket...

do you ever feel like there is a hole in your bucket?  like, no matter how much you pour into it, it never gets any fuller?  i'm there right now.  we've had so much going on for so many months.  zak's medical stuff is just one more thing.  as i've said, we assume, and hope its nothing major.  but, that bucket just keeps pissing our lives out the bottom...  when paul went in for all the stuff with his back, we knew getting comp involved was going to complicate things.  we didn't want to claim it, even though we were sure that his job, and everything he does there is what caused his problems.  when the neurologist said he "couldn't lie, and would have to say it was work related" we figured we better turn it in.  so, when the NEXT doctor (the surgeon who operated on him) said "oh, no, this isn't work related, its genetic", I just KNEW there would be a problem.  now, neither insurance company wants to pay.  and this isn't just something new - i've honestly been avoiding it head-in-the-sand style for awhile now.  it just was that one more thing that i couldn't deal with while paul was gone.  but the hospital and the surgeon want their money.  and it looks like it needs to come from us - at least until one of the insurance companies will pony up for it.  otherwise, our credit is screwed (i really wanted to swear here...). 

and the truck needs new brakes.  BADLY.  this problem is a relatively minor one.  paul can fix this himself, the parts are on order, no biggie.  just one more thing...  and, finding time this week is, well, not going to be easy.  high school orientation, dance competition team meeting, girls night with my friends (scheduled, but could be skipped) football game (that zak won't be able to play in), ortho appointment for liv... i honestly don't want to face this week.  we also need new tires before winter.  AND, we need to find another vehicle so zak can drive...

i'm a worrier by nature.  i wouldn't call myself a pessimist (think i've written about THAT before!) but i have to say, i'm worried about paul right now too.  no, he has not started drinking. at least, i don't think he has, and i don't see the signs of it.  BUT, he is grumpy. grumpy, irritable, self-centered, isolated, frustrated...  don't get me wrong - i could apply all of these same adjectives to myself too, i think most of us could.  but when i can't think of a single HAPPY adjective to apply too - i start to worry.  i knew that the program wasn't going to change his core person.  but, i hoped that by giving him the support and tools to stay sober that i would see SOME indication that he felt hope. that he was going to try and see the "sunnier side of things" so to speak.  this hasn't happened.  i have known who heis for a very long time.  and being "bright and shiny" isn't him - i don't expect that.  looking back, that has never been who he is - in fact, looking back (WAY back!) those fun times were definitely colored by the party-ing we did.  i've been looking  at pictures this week.  reminiscing about when we became parents.  and something i noticed was that he SMILED back then.  some of those pictures were not from times that he would have been drunk either.  he doesn't smile anymore.  at least not much.  and i miss it.  life has a way of taking the joy out of you if you let it.  and finding it again can be so hard.  especially when it seems like all that comes your way are the trials.  its hard to see the good things when the bad overshadows them.  i think this is where paul is right now.  maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time.  which kind of brings us all to that spot.

getting to that spot is what prompted this post.  the brakes on the truck are bad enough that since none of us had responsibilities at church this morning, we decided it was better not to drive it.  so, as i was laying in bed, trying to sleep in, my mind started working overtime.  i had to get it out.  sometimes, my thoughts feel like poison.  if i don't purge them they just get bigger and more overwhelming.  you may ask, how can i go from a positive, celebrating post one day, to a whining, depressing one the next?  i don't know.  what i do know is i could just cry right now.  my bucket is NOT overflowing.  its pissing out the bottom faster than i can fill it.  so, i apologize for this downer of a post.  about 80% of the time i feel like i can share whats going on with us with humor, grace, and a positive note. this is the 20% that i can't spin and don't want to try. 

Mom, can I have the keys?

Haven't heard this one yet.  Only because we haven't had time for him to take the driving test and go the Secretary of State's office.  A little LOT more practice parking wouldn't hurt either...  Another vehicle is on our list of "wants" too, Zak has been saving all summer thinking he is going to find his own - something cheap and reliable is tough to find right now!

This man-child living in my house is someone I absolutely love with my whole being.  His growth into the person I see daily has been one of the most rewarding, challenging, and amazing experiences ever.  Being a mom is the hardest job on earth.  I can't imagine my life any other way.  If you had told me 16 years ago the things and emotions I would live through I would not have believed you.  I don't think anyone who has not been a parent can.  I have grown up right along with him.  Every day is something new - still.  Celebrating his "golden" birthday this week has brought back so many memories - the good, bad, beautiful and not-so-beautiful ones!  He is awesome! I love him more than I ever thought possible!  My first born...

August 16, 1996 at 5:22 pm, this 8 lb baby boy (whom I was certain was going to be a girl!) came into my life.  One of the most amazing experiences ever.  And now, 16 years later, he towers over me.  But, he still is the most tender-hearted, loving boy.  His sense of humor, his love of his brother and sisters, his spiritual growth all make him the person he is. 

We've had a crazy week though.  On Tuesday, he had an episode at practice: shortness of breath, tightness in his chest, difficulty getting a deep breath, dizzyness, elevated heart rate and blood pressure.  This led to a doctor visit, where they did an EKG and blood work.  Test results are not all in, and an echocardiogram has been scheduled.  Until we have this done, he is restricted from exercise = no football.  NOT a happy camper.  And the echo isn't scheduled until September 7th.  If we can't get in on a cancellation before that, he will miss almost 1/2 the season.  For us, we just want to know what is going on.  For him, he just wants to NOT miss so much practice and playing time.  It hasn't been a good birthday for him.  We hope and pray its just something simple like anemia or low blood sugar.  And, if its more than that, we will just deal with it as it comes I guess.  Its hard for him, because his identity is that of the "big guy", the football player.  The not knowing is the worst.  For me, just seeing him struggling with this makes me want to cry.  If there is a problem though, I am glad we can find it and address it NOW, and am very glad nothing bad happened because we didn't know anything was wrong.

And so, the freedom promised by a new year is still to come.  We play the waiting game, for more reasons than one.  We hope that in the next few days and weeks he can become a licensed driver and be released to play the sport he loves.  Happy birthday to my sweet boy.  Your momma loves you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.