Once a year, I get together for a "girls weekend" with some old friends. Some, I have known since babyhood. Some, since high school. But, we all still stay in touch. I don't think there are many who are this lucky. (Of course, FaceBook makes staying in touch much easier...)
We started doing this weekend away 15 years ago. At that time, it was always a "contest" to guess which one of us was going to be pregnant for the next year's get-a-way. Because with 7 of us, someone always was. For about 10 years.... I don't know the statistics, but out of the 7 of us, someone should be divorced by now too. And, while I almost got to claim that distinction 9 years ago, none of us are. I find this amazing. It speaks to me about the strength, the faith, the commitment of all these women. Now, we were laughing about the fact that very easily within the next 5-10 years we will be playing the guessing game again - about grandchildren! This year, its the start of college plans for some of us, high school for others, and a few with grade-schoolers yet. We've got it ALL covered!
We used to stay up most of the night, catching up, laughing, playing games, watching movies, scrapbooking. And, we still do that. But, for myself anyway - I can say it takes a few more days to catch up than it used to! And, this year I left early. With Paul away, I planned to come home Saturday anyway. I didn't want to leave the kids on their own more than one night. Which worked out well - Paul was able to come home for a night! The first time since January 23rd that we have slept under the same roof. It felt really good. It felt really normal. Then I had to bring him back tonight. That didn't feel very good. Or normal. I haven't cried much about any of this. Which has seemed a little strange to me - I can cry about a tv commercial! But, tonight - its a crying kind of night. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm just tired I guess.
Its good to know I have people I can turn to when I need to rest. People who have known me a long time. People I trust, when I just can't keep going. Oh, we have our "high school" moments. We are human after all! We don't all click all the time. Some of us don't see eye-to-eye about things. We have different ideas about just about everything. But, still, we are friends. We care about each other. We support each other. When it comes right down to it, any one of these women would do whatever it took to be there for any one of us. And, I know that all of us have others in our lives who fulfill this for us as well. We all have lots of other friends. Some of us even have "better" friends. But, like I said in the beginning, we are LUCKY to have each other. To know each other. To be "there" for each other. And I just want to say Thank You to my friends. Ladies, you are wonderful friends. I appreciate each of you so much. I really needed to get out of my life for a bit. And you all made that happen. It might not have been for very long - but it was just enough! My one night this year was just right :)
My sister-in-law is putting together a "family" recipe book. Complete with stories and pictures. I have to say, that when she first started this, I was not feeling very great about my life in general - and this just seemed a little too "happy-happy, joy-joy" to me. At most family gatherings, I felt like we were not quite all "there". Its hard to convey in words. But, at home, I felt like our family was just getting by. And going out to larger family gatherings just felt like we were pretending. So, contributing to this just seemed a little too much for me. I wasn't going to send anything. I didn't think I had anything worth sending in. Then, my brother-in-law requested that I send in a recipe. I did, but WASN'T going to send anything else.
A funny thing happened though. Paul decided he was ready to change. To get healed. And, as the lonely nights passed, I decided I had some changing to do too. Some healing needed to happen for me as well. I'm taking each day as it comes, and surprisingly - I'm feeling so much more positive. So much more put together so to speak. I'm more interested in MY life again. I still have my moments, the kids would certainly tell you that! But, I'm gaining. I have started moving forward, for the first time in a long time. And with that, along with a new post about the cook book (which had totally slipped my mind!), I feel like I DO have something to contribute! So, I sent some recipes to my sister.
Emily's cookbook reminder made me suddenly remember one of the first cookbooks (of many!) that I received over the years. In fact, THE very first - its a DeYoung family cookbook that my grandma's nephew put together when I was about 10 years old. My gram was one of 12 children, who all had pretty good size families themselves - so there are recipes from all over in this book. [Kinda like the Smit family book will be:)] My mom bought 2 extras - for my sister and I - when he put it together. She gave them to us as shower gifts when we got married. It has been my "go-to" book for just about everything over the years. I love looking at the names of those who sent in their favorites, and trying to remember who belongs with which family. Its like a puzzle. And so many of them are gone now. Its a wonderful way to bring back fond memories. My book is hand-typed, and copied. Put together by "amateurs". It has a family tree in the back, starting with my great-grandparents. I am on it. I have a place in my family. Just like I have a place in this new cook book. Paul and I have been married almost 19 years. We've been together for 22. Some of his cousins were born after we started seeing each other. To them, I have always been part of the family. I can't imagine not being part of it. I'm going to get extra cook books for my kids. When they get married, I'll give them each one. Maybe it will remind them that they always have a place. Just like mine reminds me.
Oh the things that bump around in your brain at 5am! The dog woke me to go outside early this morning (only because its Saturday, and I SHOULD be able to sleep in!) and after trying to go back to sleep, I am spilling my thoughts instead. I really did try to go back to bed, but just had to get what I was thinking out.
In the first years of our marriage, Paul and I partied pretty hard. When you live that lifestyle, after a while thats all you can see. We said some pretty hateful things to each other. One of the things he threw at me in the heat of an arguement was that I "didn't look like I did when we met". This was maybe 2 years into our marriage. And he was right, I didn't. I had gained probably 20 lbs. Certainly didn't look like I do now, but by no means overweight! That threw me. And, it has stuck with me. Festered, so to speak. Oh, I threw some stuff back at him - funny thing is, I don't remember anything specific! But, I bet he does. Words hurt. This is how my thought process started this morning. It led to what a rollercoaster ride our life together has been. It seemed like such a perfect metaphor. The thrill, the speed. When you are young - you seem to crave that. And, after a while, if you keep riding that ride, you start to get sick. You just can't take that rollercoaster anymore. You're parent sometimes has to MAKE you get off.
Thats what God does for us. He gets in our face and says "ENOUGH! You are turning green, you're going to puke any minute. GET OFF THIS RIDE!" Then, He takes us by the hand, and leads us to the bench beside the ride. He soothes us, comforts us, and tells us to just rest. Thats what Paul and I are doing right now. Taking a break from the ride. Finding some peace. Letting our stomaches settle. We all need a time for this. I wish we could have found a way to do it together, but sometimes you need the breathing space.
At some point though, you have to get back on the ride. But, you don't have to choose the rollercoaster. You can choose the train that runs through the park. You can get on, and relax, let the breeze blow in your face. NOTICE the activity going on around you. Enjoy the people on the ride with you. On that rollercoaster, you blink and its over. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to enjoy every second, every minute that God has planned for me. On the train, I can do that. Even with the train, there are curves ahead. You can't see around that next bend. And thats ok. You are traveling slowly, and STEADILY enough to figure out what needs to be done before something comes up. And, there are still valleys, hills where that train picks up some speed - provides a "thrill". And, with 4 kids, our lives are NEVER going to be still, or dull! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us, no matter WHAT it may be! I know that whatever lies ahead for us, God is going to be right there with us, holding us in HIS hand. We just need to listen to Him when he tells us that its time to pick a different ride. We can't play the spoiled child who WANTS TO GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER <stamp foot here>, anymore. It is making us sick.
Paul is struggling with the grip his addiction has on his life on his "bench beside the rollercoaster". I am using a desire to change as my bench. It feels good, to breathe deeply, to relax. I am looking forward to the day when we can climb back onto the train together. And finish the ride, side-by-side. For as long as it may be. We're getting there! And, hopefully, the memory of the "rollercoaster" ride that the beginning of our marriage was can be something we look back on with a smile, and a laugh, and a "we were so young" memory kind of thing. It was fun then, but THIS is better :)
