Searching for optimism

So, as I look back over my posts, I see a lot of  "life updates" and whining. Hm. NOT what I want this to be.  Sure, its good to catch everyone up on what's going on here, but really - we all do that on FB anyway, right? And, let's face it, I'm an over-sharer.  It's a search for approval and validation I think.  Sometimes you just want someone to say 'way to go', or 'you're doing this right!'.  This goes back to a young age for me, I have always been a little insecure in myself, in my choices, and in my actions.  I was definitely a follower - even when I tried to lead, lol. So NOW, doing this single parent thing, I tend to second guess everything. And much of the time, I feel unsure of my choices. 

So, I am searching for optimism. I don't think I am pessimistic, but I also don't see the glass as 'half full' very often either. The definition of optimism is "hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something". Am I hopeful for the future? Of course. Am I confident about it, not so much. I mean, yes, I am confident about where I am GOING, I'm just not so confident about the journey there... I'm thinking I'm not the only one who has these moments of second guessing? 

Getting back to the single parent thing, I am a mom of teenagers. Ugh. They are a joy much of the time, but not always. And so often that is because I feel like we don't connect. Like they don't want me involved in their lives - definitely not unusual, I know.  I am so proud of my kids, their grief circles around and comes back at them when they least expect, just like mine does.  Through it all, they grow and learn and become adults. Their grief has made them compassionate, more empathetic I think.  Their lives changed irrevocably 3+ years ago, and I hurt for the things they missed and are missing. Its hard to be optimistic when you look backwards - and I think we do that A LOT. But how do you not? 

I am also a mom to adults... and sometimes the communication with them isn't what it should be either.  I know they feel excluded from our lives sometimes. And I do from theirs sometimes also. What do you do when you remember what starting out feels like? How do you embrace their autonomy without pushing them away at the same time? I want them to soar with independence as they build a life together. But I don't want to build resentment for the times I spend with the kids who still live with me either. 

I run the spectrum with kids... I have a preteen too. And she is solidly in between not-quite-a-teenager and child. I worry about her more than the others because she doesn't have as many or as clear memories of us as a 'complete' family (dysfunctional as it sometimes was). Her mom has been sad and lonely for most of her memories.  Right now, she is still child enough to share her thoughts, worries, and ideas with me.  Soon, she will enter teenagerdom and this will change. Optimism reigns that this will not change too much...

Paul and I did not have a perfect marriage, no one does. But, and I know this isn't a good thing, because of the issues we dealt with I learned to build a wall around myself. A protection mechanism, to guard my heart and my feelings. Even now, its easier to retreat behind that wall than to let anyone in - even my own kids. I am optimistic that we can work on this.

Ok, so I tried really, REALLY hard not to turn this into same old/same old. I don't think I succeeded... Optimism? Still looking for it. Hopeful and confident? Yes, and working on it. Because we are all a work in progress. I for one am glad of that - it gives us a chance to work on the things we aren't so hopeful and confident about, and maybe find our optimism along the way.

Still here

It's been a wild ride lately. Summer is fading fast, it always seems like after the cottage week we blink and school is starting.  June was a whirlwind with graduation parties, family visits, youth group trips, kids and jobs... And July went just as fast! It seems like we were just celebrating the 4th, picnic and parade style, and we blinked and it's the end of the month! 

And yet, we keep on, keeping on.  Very sad news this last week, a dear friend had a crazy bicycling accident and is just gone. Just like that. You can't prepare for stuff like this.  I learned that the hard way 3 years ago. And yet... He was a kind, generous, compassionate man. A talented musician. A GOD-FEARING believer who has joined the friends and family who left us too soon at the feet of the Father. My heart aches for his family. For his long-time girl. For all of us, his friends who will miss him terribly.  But my soul rejoices in his home-going. Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done my friend. You will live on in our hearts and memories, and in the paradise of Heaven. We WILL meet again. This is our only comfort...

It's been a hard few months for me, feelings of loneliness have overwhelmed at times. I struggle to put into words just how hard it's been.  Even surrounded by people, it's there. Knowing friends and family are there isn't enough sometimes.  And then I feel guilty for wanting more.  I have an amazing life. I have been given so much. But the grief for what is missing covers me still.  I want someone to come home to at night, someone who will listen to me b**** if I've had a rotten day, someone who will hold my hand on a walk... someone who will laugh with me when life throws a funny curveball... I think the last few years have taught me that I CAN DO this on my own.  But, sometimes I don't WANT to... 

Don't get me wrong, I love the relationships that have grown stronger because of being on my own.  The closeness I have with my kids is awesome.  The new friendships that I have made since moving into town are a huge blessing. Reconnecting with old friends has helped more than you will ever know.  But... there is always that hole.  I don't WANT to be alone.  I don't think I was MEANT to be alone.  And I hate that questioning.  That "why" that rears it's ugly head... No matter how often I tell myself that God's plan is bigger than mine, the "why" is still there. Is this a crisis of faith?  I don't think so. Sometimes it feels that way.  Like if I just trusted more I would be content.  But, I think it's more the fallen-ness of this life.   There is no getting away from wanting more.  It's in our nature.  Hmm. I'm not expressing this right... If you have a better way, I'm all ears!

So, on that note, I'll sign off.  I have lots of ideas and notes for more posts, they need to "hit" me a little more before I expand them.  The jist of THIS note, is love on your loved ones.  Hug them, give them a call if you haven't talked in awhile.  They can be gone in a blink.  Enjoy them. And, think about the big picture - are you going to spend eternity with them?

A New Year, again...

It's been a long time. Too long. I would like to say I've been too busy, but the truth is, I've been too BLANK.  Too blocked.  At least, at the times that would work to write.  Ideas have come at many times over the last year and a half, just not at the right times.  And if I jot down the bare bones of what seems to be something I want to write about, when I look back at it, it's just not the same.  

So, to catch up: Zak finished his senior year.  He played football, and did work study while working at the mill in the afternoons.  His family grew by one sweet little girl in October of 2014.  Ivy Rose was born on the 17th.  I am continually amazed at what a wonderful father he is growing into.  In May, he graduated - and sang Simple Man for his graduation ceremony.  I KNOW his dad was with him, I know he was with me.  It was another first for our family - the first child to graduate without him there.  Bittersweet seems to describe every special occasion (and many "normal" days) that we have. In June, he and Brittany got married. This mama was proud, sad, thrilled, heartbroken, happy... pretty much every emotion you could think of, I felt them that day.  She was a beautiful bride, and I am glad to call her my daughter.  They are doing well - experiencing all the newlywed PLUS new parent emotions  :) They are in the process of purchasing their new home.  It's just a few blocks from our house, so I am looking forward to bike rides and walks to visit when the weather gets warmer.

Devin is well into his senior year.  Last spring, he acted in his first musical as the prince in Beauty and the Beast.  He finished his football career with an all-conference award, the coach's choice award, and was chosen as an all-area defensive end.  Again - I KNOW his dad was there.  He is going to the vocational school in Allegan this year, studying to be an electrician with plans to pursue an apprenticeship after graduation.  It's so hard for me to believe that another of my little boys has grown so quickly into a man! 

Olivia... my girl is so amazing to me! My dancer has become an athlete! She played volleyball and basketball in middle school, and now that she is a freshman in high school she has continued these sports.  For this totally non-athletic mom to watch her on the court, well, let's just say I am always crazy proud! I don't make it to as many games as I would like because of my work schedule, but I get to the ones I can.  She is pretty, she has many friends, and she does well in school. That said, her faith and her love for her family are the most beautiful things about her! Many times, I wonder just how she got so great - 'cause Paul and I definitely didn't know what we were doing much of the time - and I still feel that way A LOT. 

And last, but most definitely not least, Elaina.  My baby has changed so much! She is still silly and giggly and sweet and cuddly, but she has matured and become very caring and loving and TALL, so tall.  She still struggles in school.  That probably will always be something she has to work hard at.  And she hasn't found her "thing" yet.  But I know she will.  And, selfishly, I want her to stay my baby for a while longer yet ;) When I look in her eyes, I see Paul looking out at me... my brown-eyed girl... She is the one who won't remember, she is the one who didn't get the chance to know him.  It's up to me to fill in those blanks and I'm not sure I'm good enough at it.

Now that I've bragged on them some, I do need to say we are definitely NORMAL - we disagree, we argue, we disappoint each other... but in the end, we LOVE each other.  We are still holding on.  To each other, to our friends, and to GOD.  Some days are hard. So very hard...  But so much is good.  More than good. I still wish to KNOW. I question why.  Not always every day anymore, but still often.  And, I still resolve to let the why of it go.  It's something that I may want to know, but I don't need to know.  Eventually, I'll know.  I'll know it ALL.  

As we start the new year, we look forward to many activities. Sports, musical, graduation, youth group trips, choir trips, spring break, the birth of a new grandbaby (Zak and Brit are expecting #3 in April)... I'm hoping to delve a little deeper again.  To start up again.  It's time.  I feel like I've been in a fog.  I hesitate to call it a depression, but it's been pretty close to that.  I'm feeling again though.  And ready to continue the journey.  Stay tuned....

Time

Saturday was the one year anniversary of the worst night of my life.  I've said it many times over the last couple of weeks, this past year has been both the longest and shortest year ever.  Some days, I still feel like I am living in a dream, and when I wake up my life will be as it was.  God has been so GOOD to us! I KNOW that no matter what, our lives are following the path He has set before us and that He will never let us walk alone.

Last year, we were not able to put Paul's earthy remains to rest the day of the funeral.  Because of family logistics, we struggled to find the right time to do so.  We decided to celebrate his life on the anniversary of his death by meeting together at the cemetery to inter his ashes.  The kids and I were surrounded by our family and special friends as we said farewell for now.  For those of you who would like to pay respects, his remains are at Dorr Cemetery, near my nephew Alex's grave site. We do not have a grave marker yet, but hopefully by the end of the summer.  I didn't want to turn this time into another funeral, so we didn't have much of a 'ceremony'.  I read a letter that I wrote (and re-wrote many times in my head!).  My sister-in-law Emily asked that I blog it, so here it is:)

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Its been almost a year. A year full of so many, many changes.  We've gone through each "first", with the exception of Easter.  Last Easter, was our last time spent at the barn together.  We have each celebrated a birthday, we have celebrated YOUR birthday.  We have remembered, we have cried, we have grieved.  We still remember, we still cry, we still grieve.  But we laugh, we smile, we rejoice as well.  Memorial Day, we "saw" you on the tractor with Andy.  The 4th of July we "watched" fireworks with you.  You were with us in the room when Paul was born.  Each football game, dance recital, every choir concert and play - you were there.  When we moved into the new house, you came along.  You walked beside the kids on the first day of school. You trick-or-treated on Halloween and painted trees with us on Thanksgiving.  When we decorated the Christmas tree, YOU put the star on the top. 

2014, came in quietly and you were there for the New Year's kisses.  Valentine's Day you held my hand.  YOU found my wedding ring on our 20th anniversary.  And, as our 21st approaches, I will celebrate with you again.  And every day in between, you are there.  You live in the faces of our children, in the hearts of your family.  In our memories you will live forever.  

I can only imagine the celebrations you are part of now.  I can only imagine the family you are surrounded by.  I can only imagine the face of the Father.  I miss you.  The year that has flown by and yet gone so slowly for me is but a blink in Heaven.  For you, we will join you in a breath, and instant.
We're ok. We hurt. we mourn, but we rejoice.  Time. It flows around us, it carries us along, & eventually it will bring us home to join you at the feet of Jesus.

"In My Father's house are many mansions, if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you, and if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto Myself... that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:2  (This was the passage from the program from Paul's service, and the passage that we found his bible open to in the ashes of our home.)

Someday, we will meet again.  I know this. I cherish this.  I love you.  Thank you Jesus, Thank you God.  No Goodbyes.


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We would not have survived this last year without the prayers of many and the help from our community.  You are like the sands on the seashore - too many to count.  Thank you will never be enough.  You are our strength.  

I was given a special journal by a wonderful friend just last week.  Each page has a verse or quote about grace.  I finished our memorial with the verses from the pages I used to write the letter.  They all seemed so appropriate and special, so I'm going to finish this with them as well:

From the fullness of His GRACE we will have all received one blessing after another.  John 1:16

Grace and peace be yours in ABUNDANCE. 2 Pet. 1:2

Grace is the free, undeserved GOODNESS and favor of God to mankind.  Matthew Henry

The LORD be with your spirit. Grace be with you. 2 Tim. 4:22

How Great is Our God, Sing with me....

The memories are coming fast and thick  this week. Tomorrow we say goodbye to good friends. To people who became part of the Hopkins Community Reformed family the same time we did. Friends who encouraged Paul to find a healthier musical outlet by being part of the church band. You will never know how much good you did for him. Music, in so many forms has always been his passion and he finally realized that the rock he loved didn't bring him a joyful life. His addiction made it impossible to chase that dream and still have a functioning family life. Giving that up changed him. For awhile I worried that he wouldn't find something that he could love so well. I hurt for him. Being on that stage, in front of that microphone gave him something. MADE him larger than life,fed him. He could run on that for a month or so and feel good about himself. Then the addiction would take over. And make something rotten out of what should have been a good and health hobby. He didn't know how to keep the music alive in his life without the bar bands.

And then along came Jen. And Staci, and Brittany, and Susan, Tony, Ethan, and Mark. You showed him that Christian music can rock out just as much as what he was playing. With one big difference - the effort put into it was GLORIFYING. Lifting up. Inspiring. Sure, there was room to add his own touches, but it was music for God. And I think when he got that into his head he was finally able to just let go and enjoy it for the sake of the music. Not because he was needing the feed from the crowd or the glory for himself.

He WILL be with us tomorrow. Singing long and loud right along with all of us , from heaven. I hear him in my head so much of the time when the band plays anyway. I have absolutely no doubt he's gonna be right there with us. So when I break down in tears and can't go on, it's so not because I'm sad. It's because I'm imagining the GLORIFYING going on right along with us.

Because HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!! Sing with me, for all to hear HOW GREAT, HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD....

Memories

Christmas time is here... Actually, its been here and gone.  And with it come the memories.  The dating years, where we tried to go to all the parties that were on the same days.  The first married years with the real Christmas trees and the beginning of the ornament collection and the angel tree topper.  The year we had to tie the tree in the corner of the room because it kept tipping over... First Christmases, pictures of the kids by the trees each year, silly faces with mustaches, pj's and bed head, new socks and underwear every year... Decorating the top half of the tree only because Zak took all the ornaments he could reach off the tree (and then the cat doing the same thing last year!).  Good memories of good times.

Of course, there are bad memories too.  Funny thing is, they aren't even so bad now.  The ruined corn pudding because the casserole dish broke.  Going to family parties alone the year we were separated. Paul's surgery a few days before Christmas.  Even these not-so-happy memories are so important! They make the little, not-so-important ones bigger, better, happier.

I remember the year we didn't know how we were going to HAVE Christmas for the boys.  And Debbie bought toys, pj's, boots for them. Made Christmas for them.  And this year, my kids made Christmas for me.  Each of them gave me something special - their love.  Yes, they all gave gifts.  I received a new tweezer from Elaina because she remembered that she gave me one a year ago and its gone now.  I got a coffee mug for a "dog mom" cause the kids know how much of a "kid" Lulu is to me - along with my favorite flavor of coffee. They gave me "A" and "P" to hang on the wall of my room because they know how hard this year is for me and each wrote me a note to go along with it.  Their hearts were on those notes, stuffed in the infinity heart box they gave.  These are the things that I will treasure and remember about this Christmas.  Its not about the THINGS.  But the things do remind us.

There are some special ornaments on the tree this year.  Ornaments that will help us remember every year.  Not the same ornaments.  Not the same angel. But new memories.  Memories of a new baby's first Christmas. Memories of a new first-Christmas-in-our-new-house. Missing those who are gone, never forgotten. 

Change is a good thing. Most of the time.

Wow. its been a while.  I feel like I am just being pushed along on the edge of a wave and can't control where it brings me.  We have been constantly surrounded by loved ones, by people who want to help, by people who are, frankly, just nosey.  98% of what we have experienced since the fire has been good and positive.  So those are the things I focus on. That other 2%, ffttt. Not interested.  I've got way better things to spend my time and energy on.  

We have a new-to-us home.  A house that was built with loving hands to shelter a growing family.  A house that was built to make memories in.  I was privileged to see an album made for Gary and Diane by their children to remind them of all this house holds for them.  I have a lot to live up to.  I want this house to be our shelter in the storm. Our refuge in times of trial.  I want to make memories here that will sustain and nurture us when times aren't easy. And life is like that - sends us things that are not easy. Things that are actually really hard.  Each day is new, and each day is different.  Some days I can almost forget that I can never again come home from work and embrace my husband and ask how his day was.  I want to do that so badly! But, some days I almost forget how it used to be.  Almost.  Some days every song I hear is sung in his voice.  This is a good day! I loved listening to him. Some days though, all that singing just reminds me once again that I'm never going to see him enjoying that song anymore.   Today I was reminded that Paul truly lives on in our children.  Zak and Dev joined Caleb and several other men from church to sing the song "Courageous" by Casting Crowns.  When Zak began singing Paul's voice came out of him.  It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was so bittersweet. When he was alive, the boys just couldn't get up there and "perform".  We tried. We pushed. They just didn't want to.  Now that he's gone, I think he must be encouraging them from Heaven.  Praying for strength for them from that most Holy place.  Because they did it. And he would have been so proud! I'm proud of them.  Certainly not ONLY because of the strength it took to get up there this morning, but because of the men they have become in SUCH a short time.  

Zak has so many adult decisions to make right now.  He's going to be a dad.  Soon. And its hard to learn how to be a dad when your own is not here to help.  He chose not to play football this year.  My heart is broken.  Not so much because he isn't playing - I respect his reasons for it, but because it is such a tangible sign that for him, childhood is over. I wish he would play.  Paul would want him to play.  There are so many, many people who would love to help out with the baby if that was needed so that he could have this small part of being a teenager yet. But, what I think isn't always right either. So, maybe this is the best choice for him right now.  Going into that stadium yesterday and knowing he wouldn't be on that field this year was like a knife in my heart.  

Dev IS playing football this year. And I will go to the games and watch them for Paul too.  And we will invite his team over before the home games for meals and hang out time.  Something we could not have done at our old place (too far away).  I will get to know these boys better, and cheer louder because of it!  Dev is starting to come out of himself just a little.  My quiet clown.  My tender-hearted boy.  He is so good with Laine - to the point of playing dolls with her.  He is a good big brother.  He has broad shoulders now, great for sisters' tears when they come.  

The girls are quiet about their feelings most of the time.  I worry that they aren't letting themselves grieve.  We've been very busy this summer and its easy to push it down, push it back and not deal with it.  But life never slows down.  Besides football, we have the baby due anytime, Liv starting volleyball, and Laine going into a new grade without her side-kick Naomi (they will be in separate classrooms).  

And me, I just cry for no reason sometimes, and laugh when I shouldn't.  I'm ok. And I'm going to get more ok.  We still covet your prayers.  THAT is what is getting us through.  We have been very blessed by housewarming gifts, money, and help with the yard and meals.  I can't imagine living anywhere else.  Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, but its all I have.  Friends, Family, Forever. Our lives changed that day.  And they changed again when you opened your arms and held us close. You will forever be appreciated and in our prayers always.

So much new...

So, I think there is enough going on!  My suburban has been restored to better-than-before condition thanks to Bill's Village Auto, Rite-Way Body Shop, Advantage Auto Glass, LKQ, and Wayland Parts Plus and the amazing people at all these places.  If you need anything car related - go see them!  Zak will probably take it over soon - 4 doors are so much easier than 2 with the rear facing car seats:)  I found a new-to-me new car too - little smaller but we can still all fit in it if we have to, and I can still use the suburban if I need to. Dev is in the home stretch of drivers training.... in a year I will have another baby on the roads without me! Time goes so fast.... Liv has finished up dance competition season for the year, loved watching her and her friends!  Elaina had a field trip yesterday to Home Depot and one of the Wyoming fire departments and another coming up on Wednesday to Camp Manitou-Lin.  Choir concerts, graduations, dance recital... all the end of the school year stuff:)

On top of that, we bought a new house! Our plan was to build on our property - we have so many wonderful memories of good times there.  But, the process of building is daunting.  And I have such a hard time making decisions without Paul...  He was the expert in that stuff.  He was the one who would have LOVED building a home for us all to share.  And, yes, he would have loved that we were doing it, but I just couldn't face that aloneness every time a decision needed to be made. Even the small stuff like cabinet hardware... just didn't want to think about it.  So, I decided to just look at a couple places in Hopkins.  Just get an idea. There were actually 4 that we wanted to see.  1 ended up being taken off the market, and 1 had an accepted offer which left us with 2.  The first one felt too big the minute we walked in.  It was lovely, and would have been a great home for us, but the house itself was too much for me. And the property had lots of growing things.  I don't do growing things.  I love them, but tend to neglect them so LOTS of them are not for me!  The minute we walked into the second house I felt like I was coming home.  It was comfortable, the size was right, the yard wasn't as large as the first.... I WANTED that house.

The next step was figuring out if I could manage it on one income.  Paul and I had talked about that before - especially after his back surgery. Cutting some of the "fat" out of our lifestyle could make it doable.  And through the kindness of so, so many people, I had enough money to put 20% down which makes the mortgage more appealing than existing one.  We decided to submit an offer.  They countered, and we re countered.  And they accepted! A bittersweet acceptance for them I think.  They built the house in 75 and have lived there ever since.  Raised their boys there.  All the holidays, all the special times.... its hard to make a change after that.  I am so thankful they did! The love from their family has made that house what it is, and its why I felt like I was home when I walked in that front door.  Your home is where your family is. They are building a new home right by one of their sons and his family.  They will make that home what it is: a place filled with the love of the family that surrounds them.  And we will make this new home our place to love each other, to care for each other.

But there will always be someone missing.  And no matter how well we keep him in our hearts he's never going to give us hugs or tickle our bellys or rub our backs and sore feet again. We will miss him forever.  The  grief will lessen, the pain won't hurt as bad, but we will never forget how our family was when it was whole.
We get a fresh start at this new house.  New everything.  We went registering today at Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  Bedding picked out for each of us.  Towels and accessories for each of the 3 bathrooms. Dishes and "party ware", along with some fun kids stuff... We made it through about a 3rd of the store.  Another trip  or 2 is in order to round out the rest of what is needed.  The problem is we need it ALL.  I'm doing the registry because my aunts, sister, and some friends want to throw a house-warming shower. People keep asking what they can do.  My answer is keep praying! That is more important than anything we can "ask" for, more important than the stuff! This move is going to be good for us.  But we are still sad about it.


I wonder sometimes, if, through the years of not-so-good times (when I left) some of the thoughts from back then have come back to guilt me up pretty good.  I never, NEVER wanted Paul to die, but sometimes I just felt like my life would be so much simpler if he wasn't around. But now, I'm feeling so much guilt over those thoughts:( Like maybe God is saying "Amy, you thought it would be easier? You thought it would be simpler?? Let me show you what you "wished" for all those times.... Not so great, huh?"  So much God-driven amazing things have been happening the last 6 weeks, and yet, I still feel like I'm being punished. For not being the wife Paul wanted, for not appreciating what I had, for thinking I could do this by myself all those times.  It weighs on me so bad sometimes that I don't even want to get out of bed.  But I do.  I get up, I get ready, I help kids get up and get ready, and I go on.

And then the nights come and I am hit with the hugeness of it all again.  And I relive it all again.  That night comes back to me every night.  WHAT could I have done differently?? HOW could I have gotten him out as well?? And the sounds... even a rainy night, that used to bring so much comfort (loved them!) now just sounds like the sounds a fire makes. I hear him calling out in my head, and I cry about how he died.   WHY like that??  Yes, I am a smoker too.  That fire was just as much on me as it was on him.  We don't know exactly how it started, but I am pretty sure that's it.  So, did I kill him? Was it my fault?/I live with this every day. Fire is my worst nightmare.  Even before this I laid awake nights worrying what we would do, how would we get everyone out if there was a fire.  Thankfully, when the nightmare became my reality, 3 of my precious ones were not at home.  And no one else's precious ones were spending the night.  And I still couldn't get all of us out.  The last sounds he made will be forever burned into my brain, just like that fire burned away our life together.

I don't want to walk on the football field for parent's night alone.  I don't want to watch our children graduate without him beside me.  And weddings.... imagining them without him is too much to bear.He won't get to walk his daughters down that aisle, or with me, give them to their new husbands.  He'll never get to met his first grandson, who will be named after him.  This  year of "firsts" doesn't even come close to the firsts that are to come.

Memorial Day is in a few days.  Not seeing him on that tractor with Andy is going to tear me up inside.  And while he is not one of the servicemen who have passed and are being honored, we will remember him.

I miss you my love. Every minute, Every day.  I love you, forever.

Anniversaries

Some days are easier to celebrate than others.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of when I started my job. When I look back at that time in my life, I could not have imagined that I would be where I am today.  I had lost my job at the jewelry store, I was separated from my husband, and had 3 kids depending on me.  Paul and I always said during that time that no matter what, our kids came first.  The issues we faced were OURS , not theirs.  We never wanted them to feel like they were in the middle of our battles.  And, really, compared to some, we never really had "battles".  

Back then, we weren't good together.  We weren't good TO each other.  That year of separation taught us both so many things about ourselves and about each other.  I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it - there is NOTHING a marriage can't survive if both spouses put God first, and BOTH sincerely want to stay together.  Its not easy.  It wasn't easy.  Even after deciding that we wanted to make our marriage a success we still hurt each other.  But we learned to forgive better.  To forget more.  To let God take control. And since that time, even with the addiction struggles and the financial worries we've had good years.  We were blessed with another child. We bought our first land/home. Paul found his way at the Elevator. We discovered a wonderful extended family in our church home. The kids are flourishing at Hopkins.  He overcame the demon riding his back for so very long. So many memories. So much to be thankful for.  So much to miss. 

Last year I celebrated our anniversary alone because Paul was at the Salvation Army.  Becoming the man I knew I married...  This year, I celebrated our 20th anniversary alone too.  This time, because he is blazing the trail for me.  Waiting for me.  Firemen from church sifted through the ashes of our lifetime together, and found my wedding rings on that anniversary.  I know he is celebrating in his Heavenly home.  I know the pain I feel is my own sadness and loss.  I do not grieve for him.  He dwells with the Father now.  I grieve for the anniversaries to come.  Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays that we will spend missing him.

10 years ago, I thought I was going to be a single, divorced parent.  God knew better and I am so thankful he had a different path for us!! I am in a much better place than I was back then.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically.  I see that I needed these last 10 years to be able to get through what is now and to come.  I wasn't ready to be alone then.  I'm not ready now - but I'm better EQUIPPED to be alone, ready or not.

We always kind of joked that I was better as a working mom.  Being home with the kids wasn't something I was "good" at. I have to say, with the changes at the Elevator/Farm we were looking at a longer range goal of my working part-time.  And now, as I celebrate working FULL-time for 10 years at Arvron, I'm glad I'm where I am.  I like my job.  I enjoy the people I work with.  I am celebrating. God is good. All the time.  

Flood day!

So, after a winter too full of snow days (the kids are making up a few in June) today we had a "flood day".  A very NECESSARY flood day - our little town spent a lot of time underwater today! As I looked at the pictures via facebook from just about everyone I know in town, and the help that was being given and received, I was reassured that we are right where God wants us to be.  Our town is amazing.  Today's real life flood only illustrates the flood of support we have received from everyone around us. 

I don't really feel like blogging tonight.  What I really want to do is go to bed early. Zak isn't home yet, Elaina is in bed and the other 2 are doing their own things.  I think I was lead to blog tonight (I felt like it all came together in the right way anyway).  Its been a few days since the last one, and things have calmed down some... we were starting to get into our new normal routine... and then the gift of a day off. A day just spent together. For the most part anyway.  Liv had an ortho appointment so she and I went out after lunch for that, and then she went shopping with a friend.  Zak went to Brit's for supper and the rest of us ate leftovers.  It was a quiet day, and the memories have been flying at me all evening. 

I think its because of a community in need.  Paul would NOT have been happy to deal with all the water and flooding at work today, but - he would have been the first to lend a hand and help our town through this.  A day like today would have been so "him".  Grumpy on the outside, loving and willing heart on the inside. I was afraid to let the boys go into town to help today.  Not sure of the roads on their way to town.  So I kept them home.  One of the things I need to learn to let go of.  Paul would have let them go.  He would have gone with them! My mother's heart doesn't want them to grow up, to be big enough to do that on their own.  To be able to make those kinds of decisions.  Especially now.

I'm tired tonight. And sad. And feeling kind of down.  I didn't feel this way all day, its just kind of snuck up on me in the last hour or so.  I've been expecting days/moments like this.  Until now, even through the grief I've felt really uplifted and if not positive, at least not negative.  I'm a little negative tonight.  Even KNOWING God's got this, I mean, my wedding rings were found on my anniversary!! If that's not His way of telling me its all gonna be ok, I don't know what is.  But tonight is a down night. I think I heard Zak's car, I'm going to bed.  Maybe I was supposed to write all this "whine" tonight so that you all know I'm no saint in this! I've had so many people tell me how "amazing my strength is" and "what a testament" I am.  I want this to mean something and I'm glad they see that in me.  But I am human.  I am lonely.  This is real life. And tonight it really sucks.

One of many firsts...

My first night alone, just me and the kids.  It’s a strange feeling.  I’m tired but don’t want to go to sleep.  And, it’s weird to be blogging from my bed, in a nest of pillows, covered in a new, “musical” designed blanket.  A wonderful mom from Sycamore made “tied” blankets for each of us – mine is black with rainbow music notes and symbols.  I love it.  It’s like Paul keeping me in his arms for the night.

 

While my mind doesn’t go back to that night as often as it did the first few days, I do think of it often.  The colors, sounds, smells haunt me. Zak said he doesn’t remember me waking him or leaving the house.  I wish I could erase the whole night from his mind.  I wish I could erase it from mine.

 

We went to the house yesterday. It was so much worse than I could have imagined. And so much better too.  Hard to describe.  I take my rings off before bed at night – my fingers swell and it makes me claustrophobic to wear them to bed.  So, my wedding ring was lost in the fire.  It really is the one thing I hope we can still find (we didn’t yesterday).  However, we did find some memento jewelry that I am hoping can be cleaned up and made wearable again – like the first ring Paul ever gave me, and the onyx ring from his Grandpa Durian. The firemen from church who took several hours out of their Saturdays for us were amazing, and have expressed a desire to go back and continue looking for my rings.  While I would be joyful to have them, they are only a symbol – the one thing I would want back can never be.  And really, when I think about the paradise he is in, I really, REALLY wouldn’t want him to give that up to be back here.  No matter how much I miss him.

 

John 14:1-4 says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” This was the passage that was on the programs at the memorial service.  When the men from church got to the house yesterday (a little before us) they said a prayer and went in and out of the area they were going to search several times.  One of the things that they had talked about was how cool it would be to find a bible in all that black, burned destruction.  About the 3^rd time they went to a certain area in our basement, a spot they had already looked at, they noticed something white.  When they went over to check it out, IT WAS PAUL’S BIBLE. The edges were blackened, but it was laying open to this same passage. This is so much bigger than finding my wedding rings! The pages are white, readable, and the whole book is basically intact. How amazing! How wonderful! How God-filled! I believe this must have been the last passage Paul read in that bible. I believe he is in the Father’s house now. My heart is breaking. Every day I ache to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  But my Lord is preparing a place for me too.

We also were excited to find that both of my cedar chests – the one Paul gave me and the one my dad Phil built for me, while blackened and burnt, protected everything inside them.  I have some special mementos left which was a welcome surprise.  After driving up that driveway and seeing the complete destruction of our home, these little things were a blessing!  There was also a box of baby clothes the kids had just received for the new little grandson on the way that were completely fine – just wet. Aunt Lisa washed them all and they look like new. 

Silly little things really. But little bits of hope that out of this wreckage something good will come.  I believe this.  I have to believe this.  God Bless my friends! I love you all!

How do I title something I never expected to write??

I wrote this several days ago, 4.9.13 actually.  Shortly after we planned Paul's memorial service.  Until I get internet service and can get online via someway other than my phone, my blogging will be sporadic at best.  Know that its something I HAVE to do.  I've learned over the last year that my way of working through things is by writing.  I love you all so much, and just want to remind you all to TELL each other.  Every day, every parting.  I can never tell Paul again, but I did tell him before I went to bed and I tell my kids several times a day.  We are holding tight to each other and missing him in a way no one can imagine.  But each day is new.  Each day we are together.  Each day we love.  

 

From April 9, 2013:

The last few days as we struggle to find our way in this new world we find ourselves in our only hope and strength comes from God.  In the small things and in the bigger things.  Discovering he had clothing left at the mill – so we have some physical thing to hang onto after the loss of all, the overwhelming, tremendous flow of love and supplies from friends, family and even those we don’t know… God is there.   Yes, we are devastated.  Yes, we are grieving.  BUT – these are our human, sinful frailties... We rejoice, we celebrate too.  These things are GOD things. I am struggling with the why of it all, but I do know that God has a reason for everything.  And HE knows every single thing that is going to happen to us in our lives even before we are born.  So, HE knew this was going to happen, and HE knows why this happened.  Someway, somehow I know that there is going to be good from this.  HE is going to make this good.

 

We’ve spent some time Sunday going over the service and how to celebrate someone who HATED being the center of “stupid” parties.  Birthdays were “just another day” to him – he could never understand why age was a big deal.  Of course, he never felt older than 18… in his mind anyway!  We couldn’t have any memorial for him without music.  Other than the kids, music was the thing he loved the most.  Any and all music.  My very first thought was that I wanted every single musician who ever played with him to join in.  But we would have been there for days….  So, we have a plan – and by the time this is read it will have already happenedJ

 

Instead, at some later date, probably this summer – I plan to have a large jam session at the music barn.  I want everyone to bring their axe and their memories and we will play long and loud enough for him to hear us in heaven!  Here’s the thing though, many of you who were in bands with him asked him to leave for a reason.  He has struggled with his addiction for a majority of his adult life.  The last year has been a gift for us.  Olivia expressed to me that she was finally getting to know the real him – and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t have enough time.  So I’m gonna just say it blunt: there is NEVER ENOUGH TIME.  Lots of you share Paul’s addiction.  You may think you are functioning just fine, that it isn’t affecting anyone but you.  You’re wrong.   The people who love you are dying for you to STOP. To get to know the real you.  Let them before it’s too late. There is no alcohol allowed at the music barn.  So, if you come there with it, or already drunk I’m gonna ask you to leave.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink – I even like a little buzz once in a while. But this is to celebrate Paul – and it was a long time comin’ for him to get sober and mean it.  You all didn’t like him when he was drunk, I didn’t like him when he was drunk.  We don’t like YOU when you’re drunk either. Ask for some help if you need to, but change. Your. Life. Now.   Before you don’t have the chance.

 

I have the complete assurance that my love is home in heaven with his heavenly father.  Paul’s faith is something that he has never hidden.  Run from sometimes, but never hidden.  NO ONE is perfect.  We all have those things in our lives.  The hidden and not so hidden sins.  The beauty of the saviors grace is that it is here for each and every one of us if we just ask.  There is nothing too big for our God. Repent. Receive. And accept Jesus Christ into your life.  I am going to see my husband again.  He is waiting for me. He is waiting for you.  I want to know that each and every one of you will be joining us in paradise.  I’m probably pissing some of you off.  Who am I to point the finger, right?? I am not judging – I am pleading because I want this awful, senseless, tragic death to mean something.  I want someone to be saved because Paul died. I want God to be praised because HE is good.  All the time.

 

 

choices

over the course of the last year I've blogged about a lot of stuff. I've tried to keep to our life - the "now" of it and some of what has brought us to this place. my intention when i started this was to take a look back and explore how some of the choices I've made in my life have made me who i am. but with each post, my mind has tended to bring me in various other directions.  this is ok with me -  one of the reasons i started this was for the therapeutic quality of it as well. sometimes just writing whatever floats to the surface is a good way to deal with crap and move beyond it. 

so when i reflect on the last year, and look over some past postings i am drawn into "choices"  as a topic.  when you get honest  about stuff, we all take a look back sometimes and wonder what if? what if i had worked harder in school? what if i had chosen a different course of study in college? what if i moved out of the house earlier? and then we get into the tougher questions - what if i had married someone different? what if...? we ALL ask ourselves these things at some point in our lives, we're human after all. i know i second guess myself almost daily - usually about pretty mundane stuff, but i do question my choices. 

 when i think about the biggest choices in my life, i remember that (yes, sometimes a worn out phrase works!) hindsight is 20/20. most likely, the girl i was would have made the same choices again and again. and really - if i hadn't made those choices i wouldn't be who i am or have the life i do! or the kids i do!  back to the future is one of my favorite movies. we have watched it many, many times over the years and I'm always reminded that we can't, shouldn't change the past. it shapes the present and builds the future. as Doc says, the future is whatever you make of it. i don't need to know what it holds, i just need to trust that God is taking me down the road i am meant to be on. 

i am content with the path my choices have led me to. yes, i look back and cringe about some of those choices... (c'mon who wouldn't cringe about a poodle perm!) but mostly i am just grateful God carried me through and brought me here. make good choices. make GOD choices.

New year, New challenges

January is rapidly coming to a close. The past couple of weeks have brought some interesting changes to our lives. Some of this journey is not just ours but belongs to some of our extended family, so it's not mine to share. I ask that you pray for God's loving hand and guidance without knowing those specifics. He knows.

Paul and his brother, along with some of their cousins are in the process of taking over general operations of the family business with the future intention of buying their parents out. This is a huge step and we are all looking forward to the challenges and rewards this is going to bring into our lives.  Guess it's time for us to finally grow up :)

And speaking of growing up, we ask for prayers of strength and wisdom for us and Zak and his girlfriend. Many of you already know, but for some this is fresh news - we are going to become grandparents this summer. We have known for a couple weeks and have been grieving for their loss of childhood, and our plans for their futures.  We, and they, have an amazing support system full of loving family and friends.  Our big challenge right now is making sure they have the tools they need for parenthood while they are still kids themselves.  And, making sure that they finish high school. Both us and Brittany' s parents have strong church families that  we can lean on and we are so very thankful for that! They also have some awesome role models within our own families and churches to ask advise and counsel from.  We really covet your prayers for them, us, and their brothers and sisters as we travel this new road together.

So, all in all, not the "new" year we anticipated. After last year, we were hoping and praying for a year of grace and renewal. But God' s timing is not ours, and while we would not wish for this start to parenthood, and grandparenthood, He knows the plan He has for us, and we trust Him always.  And the grace and renewal we anticipated may be all the better for this additional challenge.  I wonder so often what is in store for us - the strength God is growing in us through all these trials just must be in anticipation of something amazing! 

Our love to you, friends - I thank God for all of you daily:)

reflections

Before I even get going on this, I apologize for and spelling and/or grammar errors. I am posting from my kindle, and the keypad is more of a challenge than my computer keyboard:) As a follow-up to my previous post, I wanted to share some of my thoughts and some highlights from our round of holiday celebrations. 

We have a lot of parties - starting at Thanksgiving, and, this year anyway, extending through tomorrow.  Most years I enter this season of celebration in a less than celebratory mood. The obligation to be at all these functions is overwhelming with work, church, school, and other normal life activities. This year, I have been determined to enjoy each thing as it comes. And, for the most part, I think I have succeeded with that. We have certainly had our harried moments. But each gathering has served to remind me how truly blessed we are. We have a large, loving, fun extended family - on both sides, that we are lucky to be able to spend time with. We have jobs at places filled with people who care about us and our lives. Our kids go to schools with teachers who give so much of themselves to their classes and community. All 6 of us have been healthy this year... We have enjoyed some amazing Christmas celebrations at our church and others. 

Last night was a very low key New Years for us. Over the years, we have run the gamut of parties. The bar scene, the crazy parties with friends, our OWN crazy parties, having friends with young families over for early nights... part (a small part!) of me really missed the hyper, get buzzed on a few drinks, parties of the past - I can't deny that. But most of me loved our quiet, movies on the couch celebration from last night. Our lives are not the same anymore. And some things may never be revisited. That's ok. But the loss of our "misspent youth" is still bittersweet. You've gotta grow up sometime I guess!

It wasn't an easy Christmas for us. We mourned a lost loved one. We missed family who couldn't make it to Michigan this year. We ached for sick loved ones. We struggled with normal coping mechanisms that are no longer crutches. But through all of this, there was more of a joy and peace than we have had in a very long time. God's grace rains down!! He has given me the will to make changes in my life. Do I push back and argue about what He asks of me? Of  course! Change is hard and it hurts. But it also soothes and comforts. It's been a good year. The hard road seems to be the path we must travel, but we don't travel it alone. Thank you for all your prayers and support this past year - we have felt your love surrounding us and lifting us up. We are blessed by each of you, and wish you all God's blessings on this new year!

I will not be grumpy... most of the time...

So, yesterday officially kicked off the start of our holiday season.  December tends to be a mad rush of school programs, choir concerts, church programs, family parties.... And I'm usually a Scrooge.  Not the BIGGEST Scrooge, that title is reserved for Paul;) With work and everything going on the stress and bustle tend to get me, shall we say, crabby... BUT, this year, I am determined that I am going to enjoy the festivities.  This doesn't mean I'm going to be jumping up and down with excitement hours before every event, but it does mean I'm going to anticipate the good of each thing. 

After contemplating how much I have to be thankful for this month, I realized how much I take for granted and how much of my enjoyment of each thing comes from within.  We are so blessed. Its been a strange year, with lots of bad stuff.  Not just in my little 6-person home, but in my wider family.  I spoke with Andy yesterday about Dillon.  He has left such an empty place in our family.  True, the memories are not all golden, but the suddeness of his death, and the questions and guilt left behind can just be overwhelming.  Especially right now.  These "first" holidays are so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like you have the right to be happy with out him.  These feelings and this pain are of course not really MINE.  I share them as I hurt for Andy and Lisa, but I cannot begin to understand their level of hurt and just how much he is missed. So along with my general holiday Scrooginess, I am striving to be as generous emotionally as I can.  This is not my forte'.  My heart hurts for them, and I hope they know that we are here for them in any way that they may need.

The first 6 months of 2012 were such an uncertain time for US too.  Paul's treatment and recovery basically took over our lives.  So much good came out of such a low point.  The kids and I learned to manage on our own. To ask for help when we needed it, to help each other.  I learned (and am still learning!) that the only one I can "fix" is myself.  I can only work on my own issues and problems.  I can be supportive, empathetic even, but I can't fix Paul's addiction.  I still have moments, days even, when it all overwhelms me.  When I don't know how I can get up and face the day.  But, my faith has grown tremendously, and my own issues continue to be a work in progress.  As are Paul's for himself.  I KNOW he struggles every day.  I see his frustration in not having that crutch to lean on. To drown in.  I watch his progress as he learns new ways to cope with the mundane of the day. I am so proud of him for staying with it.  There has been a fall off the wagon. One. And it has been followed by a new resolve.  For him and for me.  I am trusting that while our path is rocky at times, it is the right one for us.  And we keep on keeping on.

Its time to get moving.  I have a lot to accomplish today.  I am not a black Friday shopper.  So, today I am home, looking at the day that is stretching out in front of me.  The Scrooge in me says "bah, humbug, I DON'T want to put up the Christmas stuff (at all!)." The new, non-grumpy me says "let's get going and clean this place up, let's get the tree and trimmings out since we are all here and have the day to do it!" I will settle for somewhere in the middle, and get done what I can with as much non-scroogey attitude as I can muster. 

Be thankful for your blessings.  I'm working on that too.

I. Have. The. House. To. Myself.

I don't know what to do!! 3 kids spent the night elsewhere last night, Paul and Zak left for work around 7:30.... Besides the dog/cat, I am the only one home!! Oh silence - you are my friend:) I tried to sleep in (darn internal clock anyway!), but decided I needed to enjoy as many minutes as I can BY MYSELF.  I love my family, I enjoy the life going on in this place, but a few stolen minutes alone, IN MY HOUSE are pure joy just because they happen so infrequently:) 

I've had my coffee (and yes, a cigarette too - that resolve has been steadily crumbling... YES, I am going to get back on that wagon!). No, the TV is not on - although a good, cheesy, hallmark movie could be enjoyable.  No tunes, just amazing quiet.  A nice long, hot shower would be good too - it seems that I either catch the tail end of the hot water, after everyone else has used it up, or I am in a hurry in the morning and don't get to experience the bliss of just standing there for the sake of standing there.  I suppose I COULD turn up the radio and dance around in my underwear... but I'm NOT, hehe.  If I had a book in the house that I have not read, that would definitely be on my agenda. I could do my nails, maybe a pedicure... Or the more mundane - sort the socks in the basket that is climbing toward the ceiling, load the dishwasher, throw a load of clothes in the machine... ...nah, I can do THOSE things when everyone is home! The possibilities are endless...

And so, I write.  I love this.  My thoughts may not always flow gracefully, I may whine and pout verbally, but this is MY therapy.  I do it for ME.  The busy-ness of our lives (and not just mine, yours too!) make it so we do not take the time always for the things that lift us up. The things that bring us back to ourselves. 

With the holidays coming up, I am reminded that its not always about everyone else - I need to take a step back sometimes and do what I need to for ME.  We have SO MANY "obligations" this time of year.  Some of them, I think every year, we need to cut out.  But then, November/December roll around and I just don't want to give them up.  For many reasons: we see family that we don't get to spend time with often, the kids love to socialize, parties are FUN (once you get there!).  But the down side for me is that by the end of the year, I'm done. With working full time, the school stuff, and then parties with family and sometimes friends, I'm worn out! I've thought about the new traditions that will eventually take the place of some that we have now.  As the kids get older, and the days of children-in-laws rapidly approach, I wonder how different our lives will be. How we will celebrate special times? 

Our personal Christmas has never been about how much we can buy for the kids (finances have never allowed that!).  We usually look at what they NEED.  Presents tend toward the mundane - socks, underwear, comforters for the beds... We do try to get them at least one thing each that is more "fun", but some years that isn't always so easy - especially now with them getting older.  Its funny, the older they get, the more EXPENSIVE the "fun" presents get!

And Christmas isn't about the presents.  We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the GIFT of God's Son in the ways we do, in this country.  Our freedoms are so often taken for granted. With the election just over with, and so many of my friends and family NOT HAPPY with the results (I'm not gonna go there - my personal views are just that - personal!), I try to stay thankful that we HAVE the rights that we do.  That our country is only our temporary home - we have someplace even GREATER to go when the time is right.  And its all because of a little baby. 

I have to say, I have pretty great kids.  And, because gifts are more about need than want at our house - and always have been - they don't seem to focus on presents so much.  Just like all of us, they love to get them, but they love to get ALL their presents.  Not just the ones they want.  They have been the greatest gifts of my life, I thank God for them every day.  I hope and pray that I am giving them the gifts that will bring them HOME when its their time.  I pray this for the someday-in-laws too.  New traditions. New people to love. Old Faith.

And now, while I still have my blessed solitude, I'm gonna go do something else.  Anything else. Because I can:) I'm alone. And yet, never alone.  You all have a blessed Saturday.  And blessed holidays - Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! May God bring you every good thing this year!

Count 'em on one hand.

5 things.  I am in a bible study, and have only been working on it for a few days.  While I have had a "head" faith my whole life, my "heart" faith flows like the sea in waves.  Something we are working on living out, memorizing, is easy (should be!) to remember every day.  We can count it out on 1 hand:

1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.

Simple enough. Not so much.  Maybe its age, maybe its just because the world is always around me, but I can't seem to MEMORIZE these things.  I've made myself notes.  I have one in my bathroom, I have one on my refridgerator.  I put one by the computer, and on my desk at work.  I've been trying to say it (with my hand - a finger for each point!) as often as I can through the day.  

I am confronted with my UNfaithfulness often during the course of the day.  It makes me sad. God calls us to BELIEVE in Him. To TRUST in what He has planned for us.  He wants to give us every good thing.  This is SO hard for me.  I am such a worrier by nature. I want to control everything around me - to be in charge of my path.  Giving this up is so painful.  

My words don't want to flow tonight.  There is so much MORE inside that wants to come out and I feel so bottled up with it. 

There are other things I can count on 1 hand.  The people I love most in this world: Zak, Dev, Liv, Laine and Paul. My favorite foods: pizza, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, chocolate, and cheesecake. The books I love (some would be series, so maybe they don't count?): Little House on the Prairie, Gone With the Wind, Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, and Green Eggs and Ham. With the exception of my family, these things have changed slightly over the years, but the 5 from my bible study - these are life TRUTHS. Some of you may disagree with this, you may have been raised in a different faith, or have given up your faith.  Something my cousin wrote on FB today really got me to thinking on this while I was working on my lesson tonight, "Its not theTruth because I believe it, I believe it because its the Truth".  There was (naturally) some discussion about this below his comment.  It went so well with my study on belief and faith that I wanted to comment myself, but as I said, the words aren't coming out quite the way I want them to, so I didn't.  BUT, he is right on the money with this.  God's Truth IS Truth. Whether we choose to believe it or not.  Even though I have a long way to go, my "heart" faith yearns to believe this Truth fully. I FEEL that need constantly. I am bruised and broken, but my Father will heal my wounds, guard my heart and keep me safe.

I'm Baaaaack...

BIG sigh here.  Its been a whirlwind of a fall here.  School starting, football everyday for the boys, dance season beginning, 2 weddings, family visits... Busy.  In a good way, but sometimes that busyness can get overwhelming.  And, of course, we've all been passing a cold around. 'Tis the season I guess! 

So often (and I wish I could type while I drive!) I blog in my head on the way to and from the many places that I drive.  And then, by the time I get home in the evening there are so many other things that need attention that I either forget what I was going to blog about, I just don't feel like sitting at the computer, OR I fall asleep :) I have definitely missed sharing what's up with us - and getting my "whine" out of my system;)

The boys finished football with an undefeated season - Go Blue! It really was one of the most fun seasons for ME since they started playing - LOVED having them both on the same team! Not even just for the logistics of it either;) It was just fun to see them playing together, doing something they enjoy.  Of course, next year I won't have this "luxury" - Zak will be Varsity, and Dev JV, but then the following year they will play together again.  And after that, well, I'll have a HS graduate.... and all THAT brings with it!  I was reminded by Paul's dad (at his cousin's wedding) that in 5 years, WE could be the parents at a wedding... Which just seems WAY too soon, but P and I were 21 when we got married... and Zak will be 21 in 5 years... So not ready for that!!  Instead, I am going to savor every part of him being "only" 16.  And, he still hasn't gotten that driver's license - so maybe I can keep him "young" for a bit longer. 

Dance season is in full swing - Liv is in 2 competition classes this year, so we are pushing the fundraisers. Butterbraids anyone? Laine is dancing for the first time this year too.  She and Naomi are taking a combination class - tap, ballet, and hip-hop.  They will be performing a tap in the recital in June.  I can only speak for my child when I say SHE LOVES IT.  Looks like I've got many years of tutus and taps ahead of me!

Paul is struggling with aches and pains while harvest is in full swing:(  His back will never be the same.  And he has some permanent nerve damage in his foot (actually the nerve to the foot), so he compensates. Which leads to painful knees and ankles... Gotta love getting older...  It all just makes him, hm, kinda... grumpy. BUT, he is a SOBER grump, so I am thankful for that! And I struggle with being pleasant. Because I need to be pleasant ALL the time.  I can't start the morning with out the "Good"... I'm not (at least I don't THINK so) a pessimistic person.  But its hard to be pleasant ALL the time...

Which brings me to myself.  I've lost ME again, with all of the "busyness" of our lives.  Its so HARD to find the time for the things that make me feel good, when the other 5 people I live with seem to require so MUCH of my time.  My fitness program has stalled out since school started - I was hoping once we got into the routine of it I would be able to pick it back up.  That hasn't happened. Yet.  My goal is to make November my month.  I have stuck with better nutrition, and watching what I eat - kept up my Shakeology in the mornings.  I have at least maintained the progress I started last winter and into the summer.  I need to start at the BEGINNING of a week (just some latent OCDness coming out), so as of Sunday - I'm walkin'. Walkin' in the mornin', walkin' in the evenin'... Then, after I have trained myself, gotten back into that habit, I'm gonna start my yoga and BBL again.  Little steps, but FORWARD steps just the same.  I am also starting a bible study with some women from church on Monday nights.  Good thing the Tigers had been playing the last few weeks - Bones hasn't been on because of baseball.  So I forgot that Monday nights were Bones nights.  I would NOT have commited to the bible study had I remembered it was on then.  (BIG Bones fan.) Very glad we have DVR.  And, very glad I am doing the bible study - looks like a fun group, I can't wait to get into it.  My "faith fitness" has been on the back burner for a while too - and in the long run, its WAY more important!  I'm needing to find a couple good books to read too.  And discipline myself to only read for an hour (or so) at a time.  I just struggle with not FINISHING a book when I start it... (another of my mild OCD tendencies). 

I've begun thinking about the holidays too.  I struggle with the joy there.  Again - busyness.  I get to the parties and I'm fine.  Its the anticipation of them, the planning for them, that do it to me every time.  We just have so MANY.  And when I think of cutting one (or 2, or 3) out of the schedule, of making our own traditions, I just don't want to give any of them up! I just need to WILL myself out of my Scroogie-ness... We have so MUCH to be thankful for this year.  The fact that we are all here, all well (essentially) is HUGE.  Remind me of this when I complain. Please. Accountability is my word...

Sunshine and Showers

Did you ever notice how when it rains, it POURS?  Its been that kind of month for us.  Really, each thing in and of itself has been no big deal.  For some reason though, each LITTLE thing, comes in multiples until they all look rather large.  Honestly, I wake up each day and just remind myself that its a NEW day - to just take it as it comes in that day.  And I'm ok with that.  Just can't seem to get out from under that cloud sometimes. 

Its been almost a month since my last post.  Many times over the last few weeks I have thought of something that I really wanted to share - and then time got away from me.  I feel badly that I didn't have a "special" birthday post for Olivia.  My girl is 12 now.  Her birthday was on the first day of school.  She tends to get a bit overlooked because we are so caught up in the rush of fall: football season starting, school starting, dance starting... you get the picture.  But, amidst it all, she remains my cheerful (most of the time!), fun-loving (always!), beautiful (more each passing day!) girl.  Her birth was one of the best things to happen in a somewhat dark period for us.  Paul and I were struggling 12 years ago.  But, Olivia brought an amazing ray of sunshine into our lives when she came into it.  She was by far our easiest baby.  6 lbs. of loveliness right from the start :) She was, appropriately, born on Labor Day - I labored about 12 hours to deliver her, and our lives were changed forever!  Parents of a GIRL! And along with that, all the drama that girls bring! She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family, and let me just say - VERY spoiled! But it didn't spoil HER, at least, not much;) She is my joy, my friend, my helper.  I can't and DON'T want to imagine my life without her.  She is growing into such a wonderful young lady, I look forward to all the ups and downs middle school, and then high school will bring.  LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH.



5th grade graduation, 2012





 Our ongoing troubles with the water heater finally became an issue we HAD to address this weekend.  For the last several months, we have been babying the old girl along - the heating element had been replaced a couple years ago and now the reset button has finally given up.  Rather than buy a new one now, Paul thought he could replace the elements again.  No such luck.  After several hours of fighting with (and cussing at) the thing, he decided we just needed to bite that bullet and buy a new one.  This is in actuality a good thing - the old one, because of its issues has been a BIG electric hog.  We hope the new one will help this! Because it is as old as our home (and trailer-quality to boot!) there is no water shut off by the heater - this means Paul had to shut off the water to the house alltogether.  We have now been without water for 16+ hours.  Something he had to do of course, but it makes life difficult for all of us - and 6 people with no water (no TOILETS) is not so pleasant.  We are all a little grumpy today :) Only a little though, because we know its only temporary, and he did fill up some containers of water before he turned it off.  Hopefully, the installation of the new one will go smoothly!

I do have great news to report on Zak/heart issues  too.  After he went in for the echocardiogram and was released to play we had a follow up visit with the cardiologist.  He said everything looked good/normal, BUT he wanted to make sure.  So, he restricted Zak from sports again until he had a stress echocardiogram.  We went in this past Monday for that.  The tech who performed the test said I could call on Tuesday for the results and most likely he would be cleared to play - which is exactly what happened!  Our prayer that his heart was healthy and everything normal was answered!  He was able to practice the rest of the week, play in the game on Thursday, and participate in his strength/conditioning class too.  Our God is good, all the time!

Its been a time of showers within our extended families too.  Paul's cousin Dan lost his fight with cancer after a short, courageous battle.  While we grieve for his loved ones, we rejoice that he is Home and no longer in pain.  My brother-in-law had a scare too:  he ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung, not the bad chest cold he thought he was fighting.  After 5 nights in the hospital, he is home healing.  It was a scary time, and I am very glad my sister is the amazing woman she is! She is my hero - strong and courageous:)  I also just found out my uncle, who has been dealing with heart issues for many years, is not doing well either.  I pray for him, my aunt, my cousins and their families. I know this is a scary time for them too. My aunt is still fighting the good fight against cancer as well.  She is going in for treatments and I know, no matter what happens that she will WIN, because a victory over cancer isn't always what we expect when you are saved.  Its hard to leave all our troubles and cares in God's hands - but He does know best, we need to trust and have faith.  Please lift them all up.

My old girl (the truck!) is still ailing too.  The brake issues are not completely resolved, even with new brakes.  The anti-locks are being weird.  Not sure what is going on there.  And, we need new tires. Again.  I drive way too much...   I need to borrow a phrase from my Aunt Sheryl with this, she called a vehicle she drove a "faith-mobile".  This is entire appropriate when I think of my truck - I don't drive a suburban, or a truck, or a GM vehicle, I drive a "faith-mobile"! I pray every day that she will get me where I need to be! Hand-in-hand with this is the search for another car.  Zak REALLY wants to buy his own.  I REALLY want something smaller to drive back and forth to work and put HIM in the faith-mobile, since he will be driving a much shorter distance.  We'll see what happens.  We still need to get him in for the driving test and his license, so the search continues...

But, its a beautiful day! Sunshiney, 70's... The best of fall weather.  We take the good with the bad.  Each day is new.  And, our God is GOOD, all the time! ALL the time, our God is good! Blessings to you, enjoy the moment!